The Good News: I've got through the rewrite of a bunch of guys sitting around waiting for a baby to be born! And I don't hate it this time!

The Bad News: Now I have to write a guy bonding with a squashed tomato newborn. ...have I mentioned I'm not a baby person? I'm not a baby person. As in super duper not a baby person. As in if people are standing around cooing at a baby, I am finding something else to do now...preferably playing with their pet.

*head + desk = bang*

Some potentially-helpful observations:

This is definitely an attention-grabbing start to the debate; however, I feel like it kind of obligates you to then address the question of what Buddha would say, if you asked him whether he was more important than Neil Gaiman.

I am certainly no expert on Buddha, but my thinking is that his answer, while probably wordier and employing at least one significant metaphor, would also boil down to "Nope."

Let's make the worst possible "designer dog"!

fuck it, why not. The top 3 winning choices will be our 'breed'. Am I able to draw it? No. But it will haunt my imagination forever.

24 hours left and the top 3 are now Afghan Hound, Exotic Bully and the ever infamous Maligator. Which means instead of additional back problems we've now added a dimension hopping "Shows love by eating your face" creature. I'm calling it the Afghan Bulligator.

Evil wall of bow-legged hair. World's worst swiffer. Demon-possessed mop. All the GO GO GO of a sight hound and a bitey herding dog and all the breathing capability of the average trout laying on the sand in the sahara.

It would be even funnier if we could get the dachshund to switch places with the Malinois.

if i do not need to get in there, there are no geese. however, if i think for a SECOND about accessing that area, they materialize

@osha-unofficial

THEYRE NOT WEARING THEIR HELMETS

OR THEIR GOOGLES

(Goose Goggles)

so. um. the good news is we found your boyfriend. the bad news is that, well, we sort of…dug him up…in the middle of a car park. in leicester (buckley et al. 2013). leicester, yeah. sorry. they demolished the friary he was hastily interred in when henry viii dissolved all the monasteries. you know how it is. and as it turns out, well, shakespeare was…sort of right about him. scoliosis, yeah, sorry (appleby et al. 2014). if it makes you feel any better we analysed his bones and it turns out he had a pretty high-protein diet before he died (lamb et al. 2014). and he drank so much wine that it changed their chemical composition, which we didn't know could actually happen before we analysed him (lamb et al. 2014), so he was having a good time, at least. 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Appleby, J., Mitchell, P.D., Robinson, C., Brough, A., Rutty, G., and Morgan, B. (2014). The scoliosis of Richard III, last Plantagenet King of England: diagnosis and clinical significance. Lancet 383, 1944. 

Buckley, R., Morris, M., Appleby, J., King, T., O’Sullivan, D., and Foxhall, L. (2013). ‘The king in the car park’: new light on the death and burial of Richard III in the Grey Friars church, Leicester, in 1485. Antiquity 87, pp. 519-538. 

Lamb, A.L., Evans, J.E., Buckley, R., and Appleby, J. (2014). Multi-isotope analysis demonstrates significant lifestyle changes in King Richard III. Journal of Archaeological Science 50, pp. 559-565.

I'm not the only one who spent a moment or two thinking that "lamb et al" was a digression about the high-protein diet, right?

Guy who thinks an affaire d'honneur is an invitation to group sex, and that's why you need to bring a second.

The other guy rolls with it--the challenged party gets choice of weapons, so if he's picking Dicks at Dawn, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sound on. It's truly a masterpiece.

She's so talented

Here is the song Neil is talking about:

(and yes as you can see it was a very, very, very long time ago. The song is pretty good tho)

1967. I guess I would have been 6, and allowed to stay up late at my grandparents to watch it. (The following year Cliff Richards sang "Congratulations" as the UK entry, a song I didn't care for, and I was done.)

You were born in 1961???? I thought you were like 30 or something

Good Omens is 34. Sandman is 36. Coraline is 22. I've been doing this for a while.

Can't believe Sandman is 6 or something years older than Neil Gaiman 😔

#i'm continuously baffled by people who think everyone is 25-30

Aside from, y'know, everything else, it gives a really misleading sense of how much it is normal or even possible to accomplish in the first third-or-so of life.

storebought is fine if you want, but you are encouraged to make something yourself! share what you're bringing in the tags :3

please we can't all be bringing baked goods

.....um...I do not see the problem if all of us bring baked goods...? :D

I brought soup!

Just baked goods would also be fine, but with baked goods and soup we are definitely all set.

Anemone runs from starfish

Anemone song is NOT shitty, delete this 😡😡😡

It's a good song

its one line repeated over and over

amazing

It’s literally not one line repeated over and over lmao educate yourself

https://youtu.be/93wE-2E0b4Q

can't have shit in the ocean

can't have shit on tumblr

I CAN'T GET OVER HOW THE ANEMONE SEEMS TO CARTOONISHLY GIVE THE STARFISH A DOUBLE TAKE

New conspiracy theory: mushrooms do this too, when we're not looking.

Monday Shrimp Tower

This week's flavor is artemia

Look at all those shrimps, having a snack!

bees?

to elaborate:

- her parents didn't belive she was hearing "monsters" in the walls. it was 60,000 bees

- she is 3 years old

- her parents gave her a spray bottle to "spray away the monsters". it was 60,000 bees

- they didn't belive her for 8 minths

- removal cost them $20,000 BECAUSE IT WAS 60,000 BEES!!!!!!

"they gave her a spray bottle"

I swear to every god people believe in, if those bees were killed and not properly moved away to a safe haven where they had plenty of flowers and land to live happily-

THOSE BEES BEING SPRAYED!!! HOW IS THIS LIL GIRL NOT DEAD, THOSE HAVE TO BE THE MOST CHILLEST, MOST MERCIFUL BEES ON THE PLANET

Good news!

I don't think the bees were actually being sprayed by the girl--they were inside the walls; that's why the parents didn't know they were there. If the bees were in her actual room, presumably the parents would have been a little quicker to figure out what was really happening.

A spray bottle of water with a label that says "monster spray," and maybe some glitter or food coloring, is a standard treatment for kids being scared of random stuff in their rooms at night.

However, it's also pretty common for monster reports to be the first sign of some mundane problem in the house--pests in the walls, or an electrical fault, a leak, loose shingles or siding making a noise, etc.

That's why it's a good idea to investigate thoroughly--even spend a night in the child's room, if they are repeatedly reporting an issue and you can't find anything in the daytime. It may be a problem that will keep getting bigger until it's fixed--or something normal that you can explain, so the kid isn't lying there being terrified of the pipes banging or squirrels dropping acorns on the roof or whatever.

Worst-case scenario, you don't find anything, but the kid knows you took their concern seriously.

Me, on the welcome desk in the library: Good morning, how are you today?

Customer: I have welcomed Jesus into my heart and so I am well today and every day.

Me, a little unnerved: Okay then! Is there something I can help you with?

Customer, digging around in his bag and pulling out an iPhone in a box: Unfortunately, Jesus can't help me with this fucking phone, so I came to the library.

Libraries: when Jesus can't help, we're here.

Hat tip @autumnhortsnort ! 🦢 🏄 👍

I like how at the very end it becomes obvious that the swan is doing this on purpose.

today's bird is this green heron inspecting a bug

Hes inspecting that bug real well

@elodieunderglass these drawings should be in your brain I think :) <3

Him very neck

He’s so right actually

"I'm sorry, Professor. But I must not tell lies."