The Fuxedos/Danny Shorago

Re: necromancy: I consider myself an open-minded skeptic. I think when we’re dead, we’re just fuckin’ decaying meat in the ground – but who knows. And re: the dark arts: I definitely think that indulging in some shadow-play is healthy for everybody, provided it’s done with the Greater Good in mind. But for my final-ever Ask Me Anything response, I’m gonna’ have to insert a vaguely-relevant tried ‘n true by good ol’ Friedrich Nietzsche: “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.”

Directly on the door of my condo: yes. Not really sure how they found me. Collectively, the surging crowd’s impact actually knocked it off its hinges – thus startling my pet iguana into cardiac arrest. He’s dead now. And I’ll never see him again. Other than that, it’s been a lotta’ fun.

I’d probably be a stock broker or sell insurance. The world definitely needs more stock brokers and insurance peddlers. Too many teachers, artists, and activists running around futilely trying to make the world a better place. Embrace the sinister apparatus and accept the oblivion of your precious integrity. Just gimme’ some SERIOUS FUCKIN’ CASH, baby!

1) “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

2) “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.”

3) “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

4) “In the name of Hippocrates, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.“

5) “Humanity won’t be happy until the last capitalist is hung with the guts of the last bureaucrat.”

He’s a swell guy-and-a-half, but don’t try to keep up with him in the mind-altering substances arena. Your ego might end up writing checks your liver can’t cash. Don’t do drugs/stay in school/blah blah blah.

The ghoulettes, naturally.

Penguins in bondage.

One fan hired me to pose as his mother for a three-week period. I certainly had my reservations, but work was slow at that point, so I took the gig. I feared the worst, dreading that it would prove to be some kind of warped, soul-crushing Oedipal nightmare. But it actually turned out to be a positive, enriching experience. I mostly baked brownies and did his ironing, made sure he ate nutritious meals, and tenderly held him close to my bosom when he needed comforting. At the end of the three week period, we tearfully said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

And here’s the kicker: that fan turned out to be none other than the inventor and marketing personality Ronald M. “Ron” Popeil…founder of the Ronco Corporation and creator of such products as the Chop-O-Matic, the Popeil Pocket Fisherman, and the Cap Snaffler!

God, how I miss that adorable little bastard.

Aw, thanks, lil’ Hugs. Fortunately for you, our wombat companion hasn’t been surgically fixed – and just birthed an entire litter of adorable, cyber/Nosferatu-lookin’ marsupial-lings. Grab one now whilst supplies last! Their insatiable appetites’ll put you in the Poor House…but their scrumptious antics’ll touch your heart.

This gem of a recipe is from a recent edition of Good Housekeeping Magazine:

1) Lightly oil an oven-safe pan and preheat oven to 350°F.

2) Put 3.5 live chickens in a burlap sack; spray paint the sack silver. 

3) Drive over the sack at least eleven times in a pre-1970s Oldsmobile sedan (ideally a 1957 Oldsmobile Super 88 Holiday coupe – although whatever’s available in your kitchen will suffice).

4) The chickens should be deceased by this time. If not, repeat step 3 as many times as necessary.

5) Leave the sack outside the closest coyote den, along with a note handwritten in bubble gum-scented highlighter. The content of the note is up to you (Get creative! Coyotes value creativity!), but do make sure to spell the animals’ names accurately in the note (While it may seem counter to their rough-and-tumble, devil-may-care, capricious nature, coyotes are sticklers when it comes to proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation).

6) Skip off wistfully yet joyfully into the distance while playing a Cat Stevens tune on your banjo.