The light from this lamp is really comforting right now.

This year I learned

something very important, though its been a few years coming. And I hope in this to some degree it will describe my absence, and to those who had reached out to me for advice or help in this time I deeply apologize for the lack of reply...So it starts like this,

I had been in a relationship with the same man for about 2 years and a little less than 8 months. In the beginning it was more than magick,it was inspiring and beautiful, but events unfolded that led to us being forced apart. I wont go in to too many details. He already as a whole was not in a fantastic position in life for being a man older than myself, I was understanding because of tragic things he had gone through in life and was there for him best I could even in a time of being physically apart and having to hide the fact we were even speaking. When we were separated though he took a big hit, I had things that had happened before I met him that came back to haunt us, he was shown videos of things that led to him being hurt and believing I had betrayed him,which was never the case..Anyway from there the mistreatment began. 

I was not happy, I never got the emotional healing and support I needed as a whole and instead felt ridiculed and judged at every turn. I tried to make it work by conforming to what I felt he needed from me and tried to be that woman, all the while taking hits to m pride and the very things I stood for began to mean less and less as he didn’t see the things he was fighting to get me to do or be were already the person I was. I couldn’t ever get the crucial time I needed to be alone and not speak to anyone, I couldn’t do things that helped me relax, he indirectly and unintentionally discouraged my passions and from there even they began to vanish from my life. 

I made continuous excuses for his behavior, telling people who knew or heard the constant arguments that I was just a bitch and somehow must have caused it. and I used every petty thing to defend him I could possibly think of. I sent him countless resources and supplied him with the finances he lacked even though I didn’t have the resources to gain the for myself in the first place. I went to bed miserable most nights and with every fight things got worse and worse. The name calling, the doubting, and the lack of trust.

It finally got to a point about a year and a half into it where the tables turned, I started fighting back, but continued to let myself get defeated. I finally started talking of leaving during these fights, which caused the trust issues and doubts and fears to worsen. None of the mistreatment he could see from his end. I would try to leave and he would threaten suicide which I am sure he knew would get me to stay out of guilt. 

Finally I spoke with his younger brother during an argument and was able to get a better outlook on the situation as a whole. After this a final argument began, over something as stupid as the shirt I was wearing, which I felt happened quite often, it was always the hair, the makeup, or the outfit that was a problem whenever I went out to school or work or, when I finally fought for the freedom to have a friend when I went out to see her. 

I said enough was enough, I was tired of feeling so unsatisfied and empty emotionally, and tired of feeling I was in an unsuccessful one sided relationship. So it finally came time and I found the strength I had been looking for and I ended it for good after some harsh words were exchanged on both ends. By no means was I perfect in it, but I became such a mess emotionally from being on the phone,or texting him all day and then being on skype with my TV on all night and being woken up by repeated calls if the call dropped for some reason that I was just exhausted as a person. I couldn’t do it anymore no matter how much I cared for and about him. 

This isn’t meant to bash him,its simply to explain my side, and the struggles I have gone through. Everyone around him,all of his gaming buddies made me into the bad guy, his coworkers as well, saying I only wanted this so I could go sleep with other people,being hell bent that I was just some whore. I couldn’t live that way anymore, so I left the relationship behind because I see now how toxic it was for me as a person, he wasn’t right within himself and there is no way as a result he could have been right for or with me. I hope he gets the help he needs to overcome his problems in life and succeed, but I know I deserved better treatment and put up with far too much for far too long. 

I know a lesson comes out of this and through this experience I have learned how I should be loved in the future, and how to have the strength to leave if I am mistreated emotionally and verbally by a man and am not in a position where I am happy. And for learning again slowly how to love myself and realizing the best person to love me is me, I am thankful. 

I may be MIA for a while still but I wanted to at least explain slightly my absence and apologize to those who didn’t hear back from me or if they did it was brief. 

Thank you all.