hey guys just letting you know i remade over on @bornsagain !!!!!! so pls go follow me again!!!!!!! pls!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i need to journal but im honestly way too tired so excuse my rambling pleeaaasee im becoming a human for the first time (again) and its so lovely but so overwhelming. im getting a sense of myself and its fragile, i need to keep a hold of myself if i want to avoid more codependency. i think i’ll be ok though. i think i can do it.  those boys are my family. but im genuinely worried i will lose them. i cant force them to stay, though. i wont be that person. ill appreciate them while i have them, ill make them feel loved while i can, and hope they decide to stay, because ill always be here for them. other than my grandparents, i went so long without being touched in any way, that any and all physical affection i show and am shown is overwhelming. its ice water down a parched throat, a warm fire in the bitter cold, coming home after too long. james’ hand on my arm as a greeting, my back as reassurance, wrapped around me tight to say goodbye (sometimes its hello). he calls me his sister. i know hes joking, but i love him as a brother. resting my head on val’s knee, legs propped on his chair, taking his scarf straight from his shoulders as i drop my glasses over his nose. the way he says ‘take care’ as a good bye, the only time hes serious all day, as though hes worried that in the twelve hours we spend apart i could be hurt. the way jake’s shoulder dips as he stoops for a hug, the fact theyve been getting more frequent lately. i hold my heart in my hands, they flutter over every bruise, cut, scrape. i hold my heart in my hands, its why i rest them on their shoulders, its why i tug at jake’s arm as he walks past, its language, its communication. its an im here, youre here. you did good. are you ok? how was your weekend? im getting a coffee, did you want one too? jake doesnt push away my hands. he doesnt freeze under them, or shudder, as i always fear he will. he accepts it, i suppose. as though its natural. perhaps it is. i dont know how genuine friendships work. im scared that theyre looking to get rid of me, leave at the 6th and move on. i look for my rational voice, the best gift jake could have given me. it helps. jake is very tough love with me, though. i dont understand it. hes not as hard on any of the others, but he is just as attentive and supportive of me as he is for them. but he doesnt talk to me as much, hes firmer when he does. he doest tell me to fuck off, though. hes hard, but never mean. does he know? is he the same? i see so many signs in him. is that why he treats me like this? he recognises how fundamentally alike we are? even that aside, were so much the same in so many ways. he breaks my heart.ill miss him, if i lose him. lord dont let me lose him

Honestly sometimes a toxic person is just someone you rely on more than yourself. They are not inherently bad, or malicious, in fact they may be the opposite. But when you rely on other people first

today marked the end of my two year anniversary- the last day of the week that not only changed my life, but saved it. two years ago today i was supposed to die. i had been told that i would die, my body was shutting down, i simply wasnt eating enough, and even if i did, so much damage had been done survival was still a slim possibility. but today i am here. im significantly larger- i think ive officially tipped into “chubby” territory and its killing me, ripping me, biting into me with blood between its teeth. im still figuring it out. figuring out how to avoid eating too much. today i fought the thoughts harder than i have in a while. it hurt, every second of it. im still making so many mistakes. but im still here to make mistakes. i never celebrate this anniversary- i say i will, but never have. tonight i stay up until midnight, after officially, finally finishing high school. i listen to rachel platten’s fight song, which i had on repeat this day two years ago. and i fight. 

id be lying if i said i didnt want it back. fuck, what i wouldnt give to be able to go back ‘home’. to hipbones and protruding spines and lanugo. to hollow cheeks and empty breaths that could give out at any moment. inescapable, incredible physical pain nearly strong enough to evoke belief in the divine because it swallows what really hurts. numbers- calories in and out and burned and consumed that s c r e a m in my head until i claw them out with bitten down finger nails because thats easier to think about than what came before. but like the infamous fig tree, i can only climb one bough. and the fruit that ive chosen will not let me starve, will not let me die. like an insolent child i want to stamp my foot and demand BOTH, both, goddammit!! i want to die AND to live!! let me starve and let me feast!!! bring back anorexia and let me finish university!! 600, 400, 200 calories a day and let me work 20 hours a week!! strike unto me a deep rooted fear of all that touches my lips, and let me kiss the boy that walks me to the train station! let me work myself to the bone, ground into flour, let me rest until the most buried, dark, afraid pieces of me emerge whole and rested. let me starve again, so i never have to acknowledge that its not the disease i miss. let me starve until its all i feel. until the great weight of my fathers dead body is another 20 kilos lost. let me starve so i never again touch his waxen face in my dreams. let me starve because purple will never be purple again. purple is the colour of his chest after 20 minutes of wasted chest compressions. let me starve again because the last time i did, he was there, and perhaps this is all i need to call him back. let me starve again because this time it may kill me, and if it does, i will not be lonely.  but i do not starve. ive forgotten how. ive forgotten how. ive forgotten how to eat only when hungry, too. im sure ill remember soon. im sure ill remember as as soon as i stop trying to unforget starving. the unforgetting is almost as scary as the forgetting, though. the starving is so close to me. such an intrinsic part of who i am that im sure you can see it. not any longer in the space between my thighs, there is no space. not in the hollow of my ribs or the flat of my stomach- these nothings are somethings, such absolute somethings. in my eyes, im sure theres a mark. you do not share a breath with death and walk away unmarked.  today i realised im a person. im a slow learner. it took me 18 and a half years. but today i realised that i am a person, with the same cosmic value as most others. therefore, i will experience the same positives as them. i thought that due to my mere existence as myself, i was bound to only the negatives. some boys who i will miss dearly taught me i was wrong. i will be liked, remembered,even voluntarily loved, as anyone else. 

there is a thing in my chest too large to understand. i have years to write of it. i will leave it here tonight. 

Im excited to fall in love. Im excited to have home in you, who ever you are. Im excited to have you be grateful, happy, and enthusiastic about loving me. Im excited to meet you, for our first date, for waiting for my phone to buzz every time you text me. Im excited for the moment i realise youre different to the others, im excited for your morning face and sleepy face and i-dont-want-to-go-to-work face. Im excited to love you more than anyone. Im even excited for our first fight, the day you tell me you have some unforgiveable flaw, like enjoying mayonnaise. Im excited for the day i realise i can trust you to stay. Im excited for the day i really feel it.

I dont know who you will be, i dont know how any of it will play out, or when, but i have faith we'll find each other, i do. And theres so much love waiting for you here already

not back, im just going to post my important drafts because although i wont be coming back, i do want to keep this blog active because the most turbulent years of my life were recorded here. so ignore the stuff that’ll be showing up from here on in, its all old and not relevant to my life as it is right now anyway. 

Also i am literally fine its just that 2018 is thee year of breaking shitty habits ok

Im seriously considering leaving tumblr tbh, i dont think its adding much to my life and the ideals on here are pretty harmful to my memtal health. Ill be giving my messenger code to my friends before i leave, but other than that i dont think id be coming back this time. Theres a lot of bad memories here- the only thing id miss is the les mis fandom. Maybe ill make an exclusively les mis blog later on