These are so cute! 🎃 (source)

The one of the right is looking kinda short huh

“i am a monument to all your sins” is such a fucking raw line for a villain it’s amazing that it came from halo, a modernish video game, and not some classical text or mythos

classic texts have nothing on the crazy people come up with in modern times tbh

– Joshua Graham, Who Is A Fallout New Vegas NPC, Something Most People Throwing This Quote Around Don’t Realize

– Shadow the Hedgehog in what is widely considered one of if not the single worst game in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise

this is the source for this text and it haunts me on a regular basis

Huh, it’s almost like art isn’t just fine art…

this is my addition to this ever growing list of raw quotes originating from unexpected sources

#discovering that the profound is lurking behind the absurd#just waiting for the chance to peek through like sunlight through the clouds#is one of the best things in life once you start to notice it

this is a beautiful way to put it and i’m gonna cry abt it

this post has gotten so much better since the last time I saw it

I AM DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF YOU FOR NOT INCLUDING THIS ONE

“Even fate picks its favorites.”

- Megamind

Is This The Real Life…?

Ironic Moments Dump

This is so much funnier without context.

Mary-Anne’s Theory of Dog Intelligence

Mary-Anne was the Dog Trainer and Kennel Head where I got Charlie and she had a theory about Dog Intelligence, which went like this:

There’s four types of dogs, rated by how smart they are:

Type 1: Dogs that go through life on a placid river of blissful obliviousness.  Type one dogs are so dumb that they are unable to concieve that thier lives may ever come across any form of distress.  You look at them and see their minds are full of love, elevator music and Lint.

Type 2: Dogs that are smart enough to cause themselves problems. Where a Type 1 Dog might never notice that there are different kinds of flooring, Type 2 will notice that suddenly the floor has gone from CARPET to TILE. This is weird and new and POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS. Type 2 dogs go through a lot in life, able to percive the vast uncaring void of the Universe and are unable to muster the Mental Horsepower to make any sense of it

Type 3: “Normal” Dogs.  Dogs that can tell the floor has gone from Carpet to Tile but understand that they can expirimentally put a foot on the tile and find out it’s safe. Like the average human, they struggle against the senseless void but are capable of gleaning the occasional insight into the workings of the universe, like how the Tile is safe to walk on, or that food happens at the same time every day.

Type 4: Bastards.  Dogs that can not only see and solve problems for themselves, but extrapolate from that data and actively improve thier enviornment AKA Cause Problems for everyone else.  Type 1 has never noticed the door.  Type 2 Is baffled by the door. Type 3 knows about how the door works and to get a human to Operate it. Type 4 knows how to open, close, lock, unlock, and slam the door in the face of anything they despise, like your other dog.

Type ???: Things which are allegedly dogs but do not act in a way that does not correlate to the priorities of any known canine. Dogs that understand the tongues of men better than humans do.  Dogs that sit outside at night, staring into the heavens for hours at a time. Dogs that eat anyong but organic matter.  What are these? Poorly-disguised aliens? Angels in the only skin that will fit thier anomalous bodies? Cats suffering fomreincarnation glitches?  We don’t know.  But they are still Very Good Boys.

So I work at a video game store in a mall and across the hall from us is this really nice suit shop. One day one of the guys came in an asked if they could use our microwave (the store they used to go to closed down) and we bargined for use of their bathroom in return since the mall bathrooms are like a 5 min trek.

So for like three months now we just have these men in really nice suits come in and talk while using our microwave and teach them about nerdy shit? Then I, the goblin king in various shitty tee shirts and paint stained pants, walk into their super expensive store and just get greeted with “Yo dude what’s good?” and talk about the pains of steaming silken dress shirts properly and it’s my favorite business interaction every day

A new jewelry store opened up right next to our store and when I used the bathroom today we were talking about it. I hate it on principle (they flooded our systems closet during building) and immediately both Suit Guys™ working went on mini rants. “Their suits are baggy as hell, I wouldn’t trust them to sell me a $9,000 ring when they can’t get a fitted jacket. They look so unprofessional, ” and “I saw one of the dude’s wearing a teal shirt. It’s fall, and you go with teal? At least get a color to match your store if you’re gonna ignore the seasons like that, Christ, but teal is awful.”

I live for this commentary fam.

#flower shop/tattoo artist au is out #suit shop/nerd store au is in

I feel the need to add a story to this? My co-worker brought his longboard to work, and one of the suit guys reminisced on how he used to ride pretty often. So Co-Worker and I were like, “Dude, go give it a spin, who cares, this mall is huge.” He was nervous about it because there are mall cops on segways everywhere (with helmets, like bruh, full on Paul Blart) and he was worried he was gonna get caught, and eventually we made a bet that he could ride down to Macy’s and back (it’s like a straight shot). So dead ass, this man hung up his jacket, took a running start, and zipped down the hallway with his tie in the breeze.

He evaded the mall cops and claimed that was, “One of the biggest rushes he’s ever felt.”

LOVING THIS CONTENT

I think humans are meant to see the ocean.

fun fact, there may be an explanation for this in something called the Aquatic Ape Hypothesis!  There are some evolutionary biologists who think that at some point after the split from chimpanzees, our ancestors may have briefly become aquatic mammals but bailed out before becoming fully adapted to life in the water.  There are several quirks of human anatomy that may suggest this is the case:

Now, this is only a hypothesis, and it has opponents who argue that aquatic life isn’t the only explanation for any of these traits and there isn’t sufficient evidence in the fossil record, however the fossil record also doesn’t rule the possibility out.  So who knows, this may be the source of your longing for the ocean!

One of my favorite tidbits about Oblivion is that, when Bethesda brought Patrick Stewart in to play Uriel Septim, they gave him this big 90-page booklet detailing the character’s history and background and motivations, and they were really worried that they’d gone overboard and given him too much.  Meanwhile, Stewart was delighted–he’s said that it was the best character prep he’d ever been given, and he wished more people would do that.

It’s worth noting that this character dies in the tutorial

Man if only they did this for the Picard Series

Jupiter beats any other piece. Absolutely my favorite!

the purest form of serotonin is when a cat looks at u and u go like “what?” and it meows at u

like, that is a very unspecific response I still have no idea what you want but I applaud how adorably you meowed all the same, well done

This post led me to reminisce on the nature of cat’s meowing, and I have a funny story

I befriended a feral cat once who had spent her life in the forest without human interaction. I was worried about her because she had a paw damaged from an old injury and was emaciated but obviously nursing kittens that were hidden away somewhere. It took me weeks of putting out food and sitting across the yard every evening for her to trust me even a little and when she decided we were friends and she expected dinner every night she started coming to my door and trying to call for me in the evening, but she didn’t meow. Why would she? Cats only meow naturally as kittens when their vocal chords/ears aren’t fully developed, adult cats communicate with vocalizations that aren’t audible to humans. She probably tried making noises I couldn’t hear to call me but ended up sticking to the one I always responded to- a horrible yowling growl that she had made at me when we first encountered each other in the forest. Except once we were friends she would make this noise while purring and rubbing affectionately against a nearby tree or the porch railing (because she didn’t want to touch me yet). This understandably freaked my family members out but I was touched that she had taken the time to find a way to basically yell FUCK OFF in an affectionate way.

Fast forward to when she finally trusts me enough to bring her hidden kittens out of the forest to me, long story short I gained their trust and put them in this big pen, that I had previously used to keep chickens in, so they’d be safe and to keep her from having another litter. Except she was already secretly pregnant again! (Fix your pets, guys, they make SO many babies) and ended up having her new babies in this pen. I kept my distance, sitting on the outside once they were born until she seemed comfortable enough to let me come inside. The kittens were a bit wild, hissing viscously at me as soon as they opened their eyes, but they warmed up to me. There were four of them and soon they all wanted to be the center of attention during the twice daily play sessions. I’d be playing with one and another would meow insistently behind me and I’d immediately answer them and give them love, teaching them that humans could be friends that answer their needs- making them adoptable once they were weaned. Mama cat (Artie) would just watch me play with them, and I guess she was doing some thinking because one day when they were about a month old I was playing with them and one meowed behind me. I was confused because I hadn’t realized there was a kitten behind me and when I turned, there wasn’t. The only cat there was Artie looking at me really intensely. I turned back around to the kittens and I heard the meow again, I turned back to Artie and responded in the way I always did with the kittens “yes baby?” And she meowed again in an exact imitation of her kittens! After that she would.not.shut.up. It was like she had cracked some kind of code, meowing for attention and snacks and just to say hi. Her two older kittens, the ones she’d had in the forest, had never meowed at me either but started to once they saw how I responded to their mom. and I find it endlessly fascinating because before that it had never occurred to me that cats only meow at humans because they were taught by other cats to keep meowing past kittenhood because that’s the best way to get a human’s attention.

Imagine befriending some weird giant with the wrong number of legs that you met in the forest who seems nice enough but doesn’t seem to be able to hear you, until your friend explains that all they can understand is fuck off! And I’m a baby give me love!

glassblowing videos are great because you get to watch the incredible precision and skill of a seasoned professional as they craft the tackiest item you’ve ever seen 

when dogs are scary smart

over the last several months, we have been implementing a protocol to eliminate karybelle the sheltie’s barking surrounding her mealtimes. we have accomplished this by initially introducing an alternate activity during prep time (stuffed kong) and religiously giving her a time out gated in the yard if she stops that activity to bark, thus delaying her dinner until she’s quiet. this has been extremely successful; she’s gone from barking literally 100+ times during meal prep to barking 0 times, and only occasionally slips up. the behavior she has chosen to replace her meal-prep-screaming (after all, that energy has to go somewhere) is frantically - but silently - running circles around the coffee table to finally slam into a perfect down-stay as her bowl is set down.

this evening as the food was coming out, karybelle seamlessly slipped into her silent circling routine. except after a couple of reps, she abruptly changed course, yeeted herself out the dog door, barked once, and immediately jumped back in to resume her circling.

if that isn’t a demonstration of crystal clear understanding of criteria, i...don’t know what is lmao

literally the canine version of this

i love in fantasy when its like “king galamir the mighty golden eagle and his most trusted advisor who would never betray him, gruelworm bloodeye the treacherous”

When my sister and I were kids we had this one action figure, who was actually a brutalized batman doll without his cape (the dog chewed half his head, too), who we dubbed ‘Evil Chancellor Traytor’. The idea was that in the fictional society of our toys, ‘chancellor’ just came with the word ‘evil’ in front of it, as a matter of ancient tradition. Like ‘grand’ or ‘high’ or something along those lines.

Anyway, the running gag was that the king (an old Power Rangers knock-off doll) had absolute and unwavering faith in Evil Chancellor Traytor, who basically comported himself like a mix between Grima Wormtongue and Jafar from the Aladdin movies. Everyone was always sure that Evil Chancellor Traytor had something to do with the nefarious scheme of the day. The dude even carried around a poisoned knife called ‘the kingslayer’.

The additional twist on the joke, though, was that he never was behind anything. The king was actually right. Evil Chancellor Traytor was the most devoted civil servant in the entire Action Figure Dystopia. He spent his nights working on writing up new legislature to ensure that broken toys had access to mobility devices, was always on the lookout to acquire new shoeboxes for expanding city infrastructure, and drafted a proposal that once got half the ‘settlement’ in my sister and I’s closet moved to the upper shelf so that vulnerable toys were less likely to be snatched up by the dog.

The knife, as it turned out, was as symbolic as the ‘evil’ in his name. See, Action Figure Dystopia had a long history of corrupted monarchs getting too big for their thrones and exploiting the underclasses. The job of the Evil Chancellor was to always remain vigilant, and loyally serve a good ruler - or, if the regent should became a despot, to slay them on behalf of the people.

But since killing the king would be a terrible crime, the Evil Chancellor had to be the kind of person who would willingly die to spare the people from the plight of a wicked leader; because the murder would be pinned on them, in order to keep the ‘machinery of politics’ working as smoothly as ever.

Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor had a diary, in which my sister I would take turns writing out the most over-the-top good shit he’d done behind the scenes. Usually after everyone else had finished talking shit about him. I don’t know why but we got the biggest kick out of being like:

Barbie With the Unfortunate Haircut: Oh that Evil Chancellor Traytor! Why can’t the king see how wicked he is?!

Charmander From the Vending Machine: Char!

Jurassic Park Toy of Jeff Goldblum With Disturbingly Realistic Face: At least if someone puts a knife in the king’s back, we’ll know where to look!

Evil Chancellor Traytor’s Diary: Today I was feeding ducks at the park when I noticed another legless action figure sitting by the benches. I put a hundred dollars into his bag while he wasn’t looking. I really need to increase budgeting to the medical treatment centers. If only we had enough glue, I think we would see far fewer toys trying to get by without limbs… *insert iconic evil laugh*

Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor eventually fell victim to one of my mom’s cleaning sprees, and she decided he was too busted up to keep and tossed him out. My littler brother, who tended to follow my sister and I’s games like he was watching a daily soap opera, cried so hard that we had to do a special ‘episode’ where one of the toys found the Evil Chancellor’s diary, and so he got a big huge memorial and the king threw himself into the empty grave and then ordered the toys driving the toy bulldozer to bury him so that ‘Traytor’s grave would have a body’ (this seemed very important for some reason).

And then we had the Quest For a New King. Somehow or another that ended up being a giant rubber snake called ‘Tyrant King Cobra’.

::closes tab, shuts off computer, and proceeds to have the best day ever just by knowing this exists::

i will always reblog Evil Chancellor Traytor

tbh that’s some A-grade worldbuilding and use of tropes, these kids should be hired to direct movies instead of crusty idiots like Michael Bay 

This has more plot development than anything else I have ever seen or read