subtle intimacy is so soft. knowing someone’s routine and slowly becoming a part of it. memorising favourite teas and soups and drink orders. good morning and good night texts and messy paragraphs of love written half asleep. nicknames only you know. just small things that say “look how dear you are to me.”
let me start over again- in my dream we were hip-to-hip in a small kitchen, baking pastries and loving each other and ourselves without having to hide. if i loved a thousand lifetimes i would still remember your face, eyes scrunched shut in happiness while i grinned at you over my shoulder. if i loved a hundred lovers i'd remember you as the one who taught me how to love.
The text reads: “Being disabled is not a failure and does not make you “less than.” You have so much value regardless of what you can and can’t do as a result of your disability
it’s spring, and the sun is so beautiful but i can’t stand it because you’re not here to rival it. the absence of your presence aches and i miss you and that’s the truth of it. that’s what it comes down to. i miss you and it haunts me.
the moon is out, and it’s full, and suddenly i am six in the back of my parents car watching it follow us. and i am scrambling for that childhood innocence, for the same mind that saw the light in the sky and decided it was following after me so my parents could see where they were going. i wonder, how could i have been so cruel to that child? the same child who grew up sun kissed and wonder filled and devastated that bees were killed by their own protection. i wonder, how could i have patched up my own scraped knees, shown myself physical love, but denied myself emotional? i am nine and i am singing as i ride my bike because i think the wind drowns my voice out. and years later, i look back and think of how silly that sounds. i wonder, why was i so harsh? why should i throw darkness to put out the flame of my “silly” childhood beliefs? how was i to know better? i wonder, how can i live with the same wonder and curiosity as that child? i wonder, how would things have gone if i had shown myself the love i needed?
i think you’ll always have a piece of me. and in turn I’ll have one of you. yours may sit in my grief right now, but with time i will learn to hold it to my heart and make peace with it. in time i will learn to grow, knowing part of me rests with you.
i hope march lands softly like a bird on your shoulder and sings the sweetest song for you i hope its light drenches your soul i hope it leaves you stunned by its tenderness and more hopeful than ever
you may think it’s no big deal but every sweet interaction is actually the most important thing in the world. sooo. take that
there is something worth living for in every single day
im a little bit in love with all my friends. im in love with the way we rest on eachother, heads on shoulders and hands in hands. im in love with the way we soak up each others presence like sunshine, and retain the warmth that comes with both. im in love with the late night conversations and the overnight phone calls, the want we have to talk to eachother despite the time. im in love with the way they love, their languages and affections and way they leave their footprints on my heart. a little bit in love with friendship and everything that comes with it.
i hope the pieces of me that get to stay in those moments with you are happy
the lights are off and your heart is heavy, but my love, remember this- you have so much to stay for. it is not nearly your time yet, and there will be sunrises and sunsets, and dewy grass fields. there will be sticky summers like the ones of your childhood, and solace to be found within the pages of a book. there are people to be loved and you? you're one of them. it's not nearly your time yet so- stay.
i love embraces that say “I see your pain and I’ll hold you through it.” shoulder headrests that speak “i know you’re tired, I’ll hold you up.” hand holding that says “you’re so far away but I’m here to ground you.” just all the unspoken love that consumes us in all that we do.
you think of your loved ones and go “I would never want to hurt them” which is lovely, so why do you think of yourself and go “im the exception.”? you are also a loved one to someone, someone that people would never wish hurt on, and you deserve to treat yourself with the kindness and consideration that you treat others with. of course it’s not as easy as acknowledging the pattern and instantly changing it, but try and catch yourself as you fall into the habit and remember that you would never say the words you tell yourself to someone you love, and that you deserve the same treatment.
im a little bit in love with all my friends. im in love with the way we rest on eachother, heads on shoulders and hands in hands. im in love with the way we soak up each others presence like sunshine, and retain the warmth that comes with both. im in love with the late night conversations and the overnight phone calls, the want we have to talk to eachother despite the time. im in love with the way they love, their languages and affections and way they leave their footprints on my heart. a little bit in love with friendship and everything that comes with it.
and when it gets bad- when the dark moments get darker, and joy feels too far out of my reach to even catch a glimpse of, it's the moments to look forward to that I'll think of. the simple content moments, of warmth under blankets and a cool breeze, of a long hug and music that sounds just right. of soft rainfall and the smell of flowers and of loving myself until it's no longer the only thing keeping me afloat. and forever and ever after that too
live. live messy and vibrant and warm and wholeheartedly. dare to embrace the parts of yourself that are confusing and complex and don’t come in pretty packages. let yourself accept the love and light you engulf others in. live and live unapologetically as yourself, the battered, bruised and muddled parts included.
