hi rookies!

i don’t usually post messages when i drop a muse but in this case i wanted to be very clear in case my intentions were ever taken out of context or misused! 

i’ve had eunji since december, but i’ve been talking about dropping her since... may? i think? maybe early june. i kept her because i wanted to participate in the mgas (last year i dropped rkxkevin around the same time and regretted it immensely while i watched my friends have fun) but i never wanted her to win or get signed. so while i am dropping her now that she’s out of the mgas, the event is not the cause of this drop. i’m not angry, upset, or even annoyed that my muse lost. if you read her last solo, you’ll know perfectly well that lowkey i did this to her myself!!

i have to go to third muse jail now (i think) but you’ll see a new muse from me come october, which is the real reason i’m dropping eunji. stay tuned!

as for what eunji will do from now on... she’ll stay in seoul, but i think the mgas made her realize she really doesn’t want to be an idol anymore. it was a childhood dream that turned into trauma and she thinks it’s best for herself to just move on. she’ll go into musical theater more and help her mother run the secondhand store. maybe she’ll even help her friend joohyun run her own boutique! she’s not really gone or dead and will be around in dms and off-dash if anyone needs her!

                                   -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji ft. ha sungwoon                                                             ┆episode four interview

she's still reeling in the embarrassment of the stage when she's called into the interview room, her head ducked low as if she'll be able to hide from the stares and the oppressive eye of the camera. what's the use in asking if anyone noticed that? she already knows they all did, and now they'll watch and rewatch their mistake until they get bored of laughing at them. eunji wants to go home, she knows she deserves to go home after messing up like that.

the woman is forced to lift her head as she takes her seat, pressing her lips tightly together and trying her best to hide her discomfort. she's mortified, she's terrified of this interview, and she feels like she might cry. they worked so hard, how could they mess it up so badly?

                             -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji ft. ha sungwoon                                                       ┆performing can you feel the love tonight

first joohyun, then jeonghan. eunji takes a deep breath, swallowing down her tears as the eliminations are announced. her friends are dropping like flies and here she is, still yet to be enthused about being here. if she could trade places with either one of them, she would. joohyun wants it more than she does, obvious to the point of risking her own health to keep pursuing a ream. jeonghan deserves it more than she does; when he calls this his last chance, she believes him, no matter how much she wishes it wasn't.

four friends are narrowed down to two. sure jeonghan gets another chance, but eunji knows better than to keep her hopes too high. as much as she wants to believe in him without a shred of doubt, the fact that he's in such a precarious position at all has already made a mockery of her skills in prediction. so she doesn't cry, though she's sure the camera and its all-seeing tyranny will see some redness around the rims of her eyes, some extra glimmer of tears that threaten to spill.

eunji takes another breath, bracing herself. it may not be fair that others are gone when she goes on, but she should go on bravely for their sakes.

                              -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji ft. kim jungeun                                                                          ┆performing holler by tts

names are called. first, names of people who won't be returning for the next filming. eunji holds her breath, squeezes the hands of both boys sitting to her left and right. they can't be so lucky, right? not all of them can continue, no matter how talented and beautiful the woman knows all of her friends are.

it turns out that she's correct in that assumption. but it's not the hands she's holding that she has to let go of.

tearfully, eunji reaches past jeonghan to hug joohyun, careful of her injury, but desperate to hold her nonetheless. guilt eats at her gut, a cold memory of staring down yet another camera lens and confessing to an interviewer that she hopes joohyun will be eliminated to give her time to recover. now that her wish has come true, eunji would do anything to take it back. joohyun is the best of them, one of the strongest and definitely one of the most talented. eunji can't help but feel that she's taking the place that should have belonged to her friend, especially after both of them had chosen dancing as their skill.

                        -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji.                                                            ┆interview questions & response

the glaring eye of the camera lens doesn't intimidate her any less than it had the first time, but when they call her into the room at least she knows what's coming now. eunji sits, back straight, ankles crossed, hands clasped together in her lap, the perfect attentive posture. her face, powdered matte, remains pleasant, smiling. but for all of her careful fronting, it does nothing to soothe the clamminess of her hands and the cold drop of sweat down her back.

performing was easy. she loses herself in the audience, in the song, in her movements. speaking to the camera like this is much, much harder.

a bored-looking face from out of the shot glances at her, asks her to repeat her name for their editors, and glances over a list of questions they've undoubtedly already asked a dozen other contestants. it should soothe eunji that the process is so streamlined, that it's supposed to be as painless as possible, after five seasons and a whole previous episode to iron out any kinks. instead, it unnerves her further. she's asked for her name, but she's not an individual. she's a personality at best, a character they mean to sell to their viewers. eunji clings to any sense of self she has, desperate to keep her identity even through this whole process.

                      -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji.                                                         ┆dancing to trust my lonely by alessia cara

being here doesn't seem fair. eunji wouldn't have been so upset if she had been dropped after the callbacks; really, she'd anticipate junhee, jeonghan, and joohyun being more upset than she would have been. but here she is, back again, feeling as if she's stealing a child's dream out of their hands when her own time should have been long gone. but that doesn't mean she'll perform poorly. she owes it to those that were eliminated far too early, if not just to herself, to do her best. and it's televised after all; she may as well give the audience a good show.

immediately after the mission announcement, eunji knew she wanted to do something different than what she's shown so far. sure, pop covers and hip-hop style is fun and an attention-grabber, but she has a whole background in ballet and contemporary dance that she hardly ever gets to use. at first she scrolls through an ipod from middle school, trying to remember old routines and gauge how appropriately they'll show her skill level.

it's then that she realizes how boring it all is.

                       -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji.                                                           ┆interview questions & response

one by one they're called. eunji watches as contestants follow the sound of their name, lead behind some small and inconspicuous door on the set. she could have guessed what was going on easily enough, even before the first couple auditionees returned to their seats to spread the good news. they're dropped behind a camera, another cold glass eye, and interviewed.

eunji sighs to herself. she swears she is not the vainest person in the world, but she does wish that they had invited the contestants back there before their performances. she's sweaty and her hair has got to be a mess, and it's only by luck's hand that she thought to throw a bare-bones makeup bag into her purse before leaving home. she excuses herself from her friends, praying that the other girls in the building don't have the same idea that she does. or at least, that they'll get the idea after she's done using the mirror.

                         -.✦･｡ﾟ━━━━ jung eunji.                                                             ┆performing woman by boa

she lets out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding when she sees him, a familiar face. arriving first wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world, certainly it's the better option to arriving late, but eunji can already feel an uncomfortable chill down her spine. the cameras, though pointed away from her for now, seem like a many-eyed monster, a beast ready to pick through her flaws and bring the worst of her out without mercy. her television experience is minimal; bitterly she thinks it may have been more substantial if her childhood debut hadn't been so cheaply produced. perhaps she would have felt more confident in front of the cameras now if it had been different then. her inexperience makes her leery.

the woman takes her first steps towards jeonghan when she sees him. he's just as familiar a face, but where the sight of jeonghan had given her relief, he floods her system with anger and dread; hot and cold and uncomfortable enough to make her hesitate and falter in her path for just a second.

junheerk‌:

[ group chat ✉ ⤑ j³ ]

her hands are still damp from her bathroom break when she returns to the practice room she's assigned, only getting lost a little bit on the way back. it really does help to have so many children around; they walk with such confidence from classroom to classroom that eunji is absolutely certain that this is the place that they spend most of their weekdays. how many of their classmates are already trainees, or even idols? the thought is almost depressing, so she strays from it quickly and willingly.

surely the audition process must be over soon. they've been at this all day, and the youngest ones, the children who look like they're not even out of middle school yet, are barely keeping their eyes open. some great maternal instinct in eunji wants to scoop them up and tuck them snugly into bed; they deserve the rest after the long hours they've put in today as mnet's slaves. in the least selfish way possible, eunji prays that they don't make it. they have plenty of time to chase their dreams of fame. let them be kids for a while longer and enjoy their freedom before they sign it all away.

"do you have any special skills, eunji?"

she knows that they ask the question knowing exactly what she had written down on her application. shifting her weight nervously, the woman thinks about her instruments at home, perched quietly on twin stands in her bedroom. why didn't she think to bring them with her this time? perhaps it was unconscious self destruction, or the conscious decision that she didn't want to look like the middle school try hards while waiting in lines. a guitar is certainly not the heaviest instrument to carry around, but it's large and very visible.

"yes," she answers them in her quiet, polite tone, her eyes lowered as if in docile submission. "i play bass and guitar.. but i didn't bring my instruments with me." she gives a little helpless shrug, as if to say 'what can you do about it?' it's out of her hands.

the makeup artist gushes about how smooth and unblemished eunji's skin is and the woman can't help but smile. "thanks," she says to the girl, who's probably closer in age to her than any of her fellow auditionees. eunji feels more like a friend to her than anyone else she's seen here so far (gosh, she misses her boys.. and girls; if only sujeong or joohyun were here with her). "i sell skincare products on the side, it's good to know my marketing strategy is working." the both of them laugh as the stylist dips a brush into some loose powder. can't look too shiny on camera, especially after sweating so after her dance.

she had only put on a little makeup herself before coming out here this morning; a little bb cream, a little mascara. the stylist doesn't add much more to what she already has, though she shades around her eyes just a little, adds a little more definition to her nose and jaw so she doesn't blur into one pale blob on camera. eunji's grateful for the artist's help, and sad to part ways when she's dragged instead to practice some questions before the real deal.

chattering of excited teenagers surrounds her and for a moment eunji wonders if she just entered a hellish dream where she's back in high school. she's impressed and terrified by the practice room, marveling at the mirrors and quality of the floor as well as well as wanting to shrink into the darkest corner and vanish there forever. but she's been to auditions like this before; she knows better than to stay still and idle while she waits her turn, especially while it's still relatively early in the morning.

the woman finds an uncrowded corner of the room and begins her favorite stretching routine. head to toe, rolling her neck and her shoulders and everything down to the very ends of her feet. she does her lunges, something like a yoga pose, pulls her arms across her chest until her muscles forget the morning chill and feel more prepared for what's to come. if she closes her eyes and forgets the chattering youth, she can almost pretend it's an audition for literally anything else. she shouldn't want to be an idol anymore, not after what that industry did to her, and yet here she is.

[ group chat ✉ ⤑ j³ ]

@junheerk & @rkjeonghxn

this was a mistake. it’s early in the morning, far earlier than her normal waking hours, and eunji knows that unpredictable june weather will make her wish she had never worn this cardigan in the first place by the time the sun is high in the sky. for now, she wraps thin fabric around herself tighter as she surveys the line she stands in. they’re children, most of them, with bright eyes and round cheeks and dreams of being famous. and then there’s her, a young woman well into her twenties chasing down a dream that she should have left in her past.

she didn’t get here early, she had no eagerness to, so her place in line is somewhere too far away to see exactly what’s expected of them at the entrance. eunji pulls out her phone instead of chattering like the kids around her are, texing junhee, jeonghan, joohyun, even yeri. anyone who she thinks might get a response out of at this hour, anything to distract her from what she’s about to do.

// ( ★ ) MGAS SEASON 5: ENTRY APPLICATION FORM

FULL NAME: jung eunji BIRTHDATE: 18 august 1995 GENDER: female HEIGHT: 162 cm WEIGHT: 47 kg BIRTHPLACE: seoul, south korea CITY OF RESIDENCE: jongno-gu, seoul, south korea

PREVIOUS MUSICAL EXPERIENCE: 

FAMILY RELATIONS:

MAIN SKILL: dancing

OTHER TALENTS: 

FAVORITE MUSICIAN/INSPIRATION: taylor swift, ed sheeran, mina myoung, beyoncé, jonas brothers, luxe

IMAGE PROFILE: [ headshot.jpg ]

DREAM COMPANY: undecided

2ND DREAM COMPANY: undecided

( ✗ ) Move the symbol between the parentheses if you agree to the terms listed by the audition guidelines and also agree to be present during the official dates of the MGAs Season 5.