Just existing

i wake up thirsty and i think of palestine. i go to the doctor’s office and i think of palestine. a sign in the corner of the waiting room says ‘this is a place of healing, disruptive behavior will not be tolerated’ and i think of palestine. they probably weren’t thinking of bombs and snipers and mass graves in parking lots. i call my parents and i think of palestine. i drive to the grocery store and i think of palestine. i look at the clear blue sky and i think of palestine. i put the dishes away and i think of palestine. i feed my cat and i think of palestine. i listen to music and i think of palestine. i read poetry and i think of palestine. i text my friends and i think of palestine. i think of palestine and i think of palestine and i think of palestine

Honestly even though I'm acting like normal, I haven't been the same since my family died. Every day, in the middle of doing anything, watching videos, petting my cats, eating, talking, anything, I suddenly get an image of them in my head and I remember that they've been killed and I see my uncle's face and remember that I can't talk to him or any of them again and I think of my surviving family and if they're eating or where they're sleeping. Are they hungry? Are they sleeping on the ground? When was the last time they had a shower? Do they smile? What do they think?

And I just cry. I pretend I'm coping but I am not.

some tips i’ve learned from having an ed for 3+ years

• chew each bite of food at least 20 times

• use smaller plates & bowls so you eat less

• if your family/friends insist on going out to eat order the smallest size of anything or kids size if you can (this one might be obvious but sometimes people forget you can ask for a kids size at any age)

• always ask for almond milk in your drink in place of cow’s milk if you can (if you’re not allergic obv)

• stop eating after 8pm

• peppermint tea helps w bloating

• don’t weigh yourself every single day - weighing once a week or so will allow you to see more progress

• listen to subliminals

• set multiple smaller goals for yourself instead of just one ugw

• find out what your bmr is & work w it

• make a schedule for your wl - map out how long it’ll take you to lose certain amounts of weight

• if you can’t stand the taste of black coffee use a sugar free creamer (nut pods makes rly good ones that are 5-10 cals/tbsp)

• do not tell irls ab your ed unless you’re ready to recover

• if you’ve never p*rged before, DON’T start (lax too)

• if you’re really craving something, eat a small amount of it that fits into ur cal limit or omad it - restricting yourself too much will lead to a binge eventually

• gum can make you bloated (this might just be my own experience but pay attention to your body & see if gum is making you bloat)

• make a mental note of what foods and drinks make you bloat & avoid them

• prioritize protein & fiber in your diet if you don’t want to be constipated all the time (ik it can be higher in cals but it’s definitely worth it)

• don’t eat anything at least 2 hours before you go to bed (it’s bad for digestion)

• drink at least 1 liter of water everyday (you should drink more but ik it can be hard - if you’re like me, having a cute water bottle will make you want to drink more water)

• if you live in a walkable area & feel a binge coming on, get dressed and walk somewhere (or drive if you can)

• always have excuses for not eating on hand (ex: i just ate, i feel nauseous, etc.)

• if you think you need lax try putting one tbsp of miralax in a cup of water daily instead

• develop a crush on someone (idk if this is just me but when i like someone i find it easier to restrict)

• take apple cider vinegar capsules (so much easier than taking a shot of acv liquid)

• try to get in at least a little bit of exercise everyday, even if it’s just walking your dog, doing yoga for 10 minutes or something like that

this list will probably be updated a lot as i think of more thing to add, feel free to comment some of your favorite tips for people to read as well 🫶

In another universe, you spoke up sooner. In another universe, we worked things out. In another universe, we got married, had the 3 kids we talked about, and got our 2 dogs. In another universe, you loved me enough to actually try. In another universe, you chose me.

In another universe it wouldn’t of ended the way it did.

anyone else grieving & mourning & lamenting & kicked apart by nostalgia & going silently about their lives?

In another universe, I'm holding you in my arms. You're sleeping on my chest, and the sunlight is bathing us in gold. When you wake up, I'm going to cook you dinner, and we're going to share a meal at the same table. We're the only people in the house, and I love you.

What we're not gonna do is endlessly beat ourselves up over past mistakes. They've had their time. Now, cherish the wisdom they've gifted you. Forgive yourself. Often. Embrace the lessons and give yourself the grace to move forward.

In another universe, do you think the stars know they are loved? Even after their death billions of light years away, we all still stare in awe of their beauty each night. Do they know that even though they have now burned out the world still writes about them? Do the stars know they are remembered and mourned for by people they will never meet?

in another universe, the universe is more kinder to me than this one.

In another universe, I am a spider trapped in a house. I wasn’t invited in but needed a place to rest. A woman screams when she sees me and I know I must flee. Just as she tries to squash with a shoe, you save me with a cup and napkin. You set me on the backyard grass and I am free. I escape what could have been my demise for simply being myself because of a caring person.

In every universe, you are the kindest soul to walk the earth and I am forever grateful.

+ andrews building stairwell, UTSC (1964) toronto

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