Im going to kill myself for my birthday. I know I should get help, that I should tell someone. But Im not going to. I know that Ive been through worse and on some level I know that it'll get better eventually, but Im too hurt for this. I loved and trusted you more than anything and to be discarded so easily hurts. But to see you interacting with your abusive ex who you promised meant nothing to you breaks me. Not because you cant forgive and rebuild friendships, but because now, the break up doesnt feel like it came out of no where. Now it feels like you left me for him. And realizing that I was nothing to you but your second choice is too much for me now.

For my 27th birthday

I want to feel better. Idk how thats supposed to happen. But thats what I want

I was wrong

I thought that I could make it through. That killing myself was definitely not the answer. But its all I think about right now. I never thought that being dumped would ever be the reason I felt like this and yet this feels so much worse. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stop myself. Im drowning; and the worst part is, I hate myself for it.

Since I don't know anyone who follows my blog

I'm struggling with not relapsing today. I want to numb myself pretty badly. On a side note killing myself doesn't feel like the answer today so thats some progress.

I'm pretty sure I'm not worth the trouble

The problem with kicking your addictions is, when someone reminds you of how worthless you are, you have nothing to make it feel better.

Raccoons

I hate people who have loving and caring parents. Its not actually about the individuals. I honestly love many individuals who have great parents. Its just the idea and concepts hurts me. Both my parents don't care about me. I wouldnt go as far to say they hate me, but that's probably because they don't care enough. So, when i see people with parents or parent who really loves and cares about them, it makes me insecure. Because that wasn't my experience growing up, so maybe it was my fault that my parents hated me. Maybe I should hate myself. Its not exactly logical but, in my head, it makes too much fucking sense. And i really dont need anymore reasons to hate myself. On a much happier note, Im dating someone who makes me so happy its scary. I hope she doesnt realize how lame I am lol

The day will come when they don't argure when you say it and you'll wish they still did, but it's too late and they no longer think they do. And how could they?

It would be really easy to drive off, by myself, and just crash my car at a high speed.

I once believed in fairy tales

I thought that it wasn't a matter of if they existed, but rather when does the adventure begin. But long nights, spent under my father caused me to lose that innocence, with the loss of my virtue came the loss of my belief in fairy tales, in happy endings. But with you, I start to believe them again and that is so scary because I dont know if I can survive losing this belief again.

Time goes by slowly and I'm disappearing. These voices are all I hear, I'm deaf to my own thoughts. You see, I never completely got the help I needed because the only time people care about me is when Im dying. And that is what I am doing. Im dying. Not in the literal sense that I so wish for sometimes, but in a figurative sense. Where my thoughts, my wants, my needs are slowly being replaced with everyones voices. Voices that tell me how ugly I am. How stupid I am. How useless I am. I want to not believe them, but how am I supposed to disagree when I dont even know what voice is my own anymore? In the tsunami of voices that ravage the shore of my mind, my voice is small and indistinguishable. In fact, my voice could be one with the wave of insults and maybe its time to just ride the wave and gove in. Because fighting is getting me no where.