Ok bestie, I cracked. Why does everyone know you as the John laurens girl??? I haven’t been here long enough to know that one and it’s driving me crazy

*cackles evilly* I SHALL NEVER REVEAL MY SECRETS TO YOU MWAHAHAHAHAH

Anyways-

So John Laurens is my favourite historical figure, and I know a disturbing amount about him. In my small group of mutuals and in the dark side server, people always come to me for JL info, and I call him “my child,” “my son,” etc, so now my reputation here is the John Laurens girl lmaooo, there are people who know more about him definitely, so it’s mostly among my small group of friends and my followers.

Hope you won’t be driven crazy anymore!

Do you have any fun facts about John Laurens?

Hm. Here's the thing with Laurens, we don't have a lot of information about him, and I haven’t done excessive research on him like I’ve done with some people, but I will do my best ^.^

So, for this ask, I reopened Gregory D. Massey’s John Laurens and the American Revolution (much to my dismay), to try to find better descriptions of the few facts I thought were interesting and not widely talked about, so if you want sources, I recommend that book, but if you want to keep your brain cells mmmm don’t read it!

1. Henry Laurens called John an incel

He was not plagued with any attraction towards the Miss Nanny’s. He became too closely wedded to a very sus ginger.

2. Because of how smart, John was as a kid, his dad asked him for help writing his political pamphlets

In the 1760s, Henry Laurens had legal troubles because some dude confiscated his ships and he was like “what the hell bro you can’t do that” and the guy was like “i totally can do that” so he sued him, but still didn’t get the outcome he wanted so he wrote Extracts from the Proceedings of the High Court of Vice-Admiralty. While writing this, he “...puzzled [John] about a Grammatical term or so,” and asked John to translate Samuel Pufendorf’s writings into English from Latin.

3. John wasn’t allowed to enroll in Oxford because his dad thought it was too sleazy

Henry Laurens was a very... careful, conservative guy. When he was trying to find a school for John in London, he visited Oxford and Cambridge to see if they would be good fits. They would not, at least not in Henry’s opinion. 

He also just hated London in general, so nothing could really make Henry happy.

4. John was a walking existential crisis

While he was in school, John was trying to figure out what he wanted to do as a career, but didn’t really want to do any of the four options he had: merchant, doctor, lawyer, or minister. Of being a minister, he said, “...commands the most solemn Silence and serious Attention from all his Audience, my Soul burns to be in his Place,”; of being a lawyer, “...the same emulous Ardor rises in my Breast,”; of being a doctor, “...I can’t refrain from wishing to be an equal Dispenser of Good.” 

Really, John couldn’t choose because he didn’t know which job would make him more famous: “No particular Profession is in itself disagreeable to me; each promises some Share of Fame.”

He did not want to be a merchant tho. He said no way in hell. Jk, he actually said, “I never lov’d Merchandise, nor can I now.”

4. My guy had severe daddy issues, bc his dad basically guilted him about everything

So, Henry left John in Geneva to complete his education, and John ended up spending too much money, and “jamming with the wrong crew” as my dad would say. I’ll just include an excerpt from John’s response letter here so you can see how depressed he was:

Yes, I cry every time.

Basically John’s baggage was that he thought he was a selfish, uncontrollable, terrible person whenever he did anything slightly wrong because of how strict his dad was. Henry Laurens was a very loving father, but oh my god dude your son is dying inside. Also, there are like three other letters like this at least. 

5. My guy almost got literally smashed by an iceberg

ice age vibes

This was while he was traveling to France in 1780 to bribe the French for money. Idk how but randomly their ship was just like... floating around with a bunch of icebergs. Also Thomas Paine was there. And John was standing on this one part of the ship like an aimless idiot, and when he walked away, there was a big boom as an iceberg slammed into the ship right where he was standing and he would have gotten smushed like an ant. 

After that, everyone got so distracted that they almost died again, according to Paine, who said, “The pleasure occasioned by his escape made us for a while the less attentive to the general danger.”

6. The entire French court fucking hated him

So, John Laurens was chosen to be a special minister or envoy or something to Versailles. If the 1777 campaign hadn’t existed, this would have been the first stupidest decision in American history (jk every decision was a stupid decision in american history). 

You see, Laurens was a spicy lad, and liked to throw tantrums whenever he didn’t get his way, which worked better when you were using swords and guns instead of just your mouth (well it didn’t really work out that well for him but-). 

One person he annoyed in particular was the Count de Vergennes, who I personally think is a rat bastard, but he’s the rational one in this scenario. Laurens basically annoyed him every five minutes to give him more money. Vergennes did not want to give him more money, but he was scared Laurens would snitch to Washington.

Laurens definitely would give a biased account to his chief.

Benjamin Franklin also thought he was a bit much, but Franklin didn’t do jack shit.

The reason Laurens was so grouchy was because he hated literally everyone he talked to. Vergennes said that France was giving America favors (which they kinda were, America was absolutely not giving them their money back) and Laurens got PISSED, and said, “Favors! Mons Le Comte, the respect I owe to my country will not admit the application of such a term.” Like stfu bro with your patriotic ass and go back to Texas, yee haw.

There’s also that story about how Laurens went to meet King Louis XVI. I couldn’t find it in Massey’s stupid little straight man book, so I’ll just give you a vague retelling.

Basically, in Versailles, you weren’t supposed to speak directly to the king as a guest, but instead you’d speak to one of his ministers. John was too American for that, and just went straight to the king with his demands. He only got some of them, and they were poorly arranged, and Congress never asked him to go back <3

7. Laurens was a badass at Yorktown, but Lin Manuel Miranda won’t tell you that

So, during the Siege of Yorktown, the Americans were obviously going to win, but they couldn’t get around these two redoubts, numbers 9 and 10. No. 9 was put under General Lafayette’s command, and No. 10 was under Alexander Hamilton’s, and Laurens had a column under Hamilton. 

Laurens’ men were the first to charge the redoubt from behind, then Hamilton charged from the front. It was super cool, Laurens captured an officer, and then they won yay!!!!

But then dun dun duuuuunnnnnnnn they had to negotiate surrender terms, and since no one learns their lessons, Washington made Laurens one of the four dudes that would be negotiating. 

Now, there’s a really long little story that Massey included in his book, but its long, so Imma just summarize it like an incorrect quotes post bc this is tumblr and im tired

Ross: this is rude :( Laurens: which one Ross: ‘the troops shall march out with colours cased, and drums beating a british or german march’ Laurens: yep. Pretty harsh, right? Ross: wtf why is it here  Laurens: because, my good bitch, I was at Charles Town where you Brits forced us to march out under the same conditions. “It is not the individual that is here considered- it is the Nation.” if you don’t stop complaining, I’m leaving <3

So yeah, those are some of my favorite facts :)

This actually made me realize I need to do more research on Laurens, which I will do... after I finish crying over the 27 books I have to read. But its FINE because everyone’s blond, angry, patriotic himbo makes it worth it <3 hope this helps and thanks for the ask!!!