to the transfemmes who feel dishearented because they are not seeing the effects they'd like from HRT yet: it's okay. it's okay to feel bummed out at first. HRT takes a long time to change everyone, it's not just you, everyone responds differently, and many transfemmes in particular feel defeated in the early days because it can take a long time before you fully recognize the changes. you are changing every day, you are evolving, it just happens a little slower than is easy to identify in the moment. it's not always easy to see in the mirror when your internal view of yourself is changing, too. sometimes dysphoria makes those early days a challenge.

i've seen girls who have only been on estrogen for 1.5 years who look completely different from when they started. on the outside it can seem like a night-and-day change, but on the inside it can feel like a slog sometimes. it's harder for the person who's changing to see it. it's okay. it's okay to take the time to allow yourself to change, even if it's uncomfortable for a while. it will look and feel awkward for a while, but you are blooming. you will see it, no matter how long it takes. it takes most transmascs a minimum of 5 years to fully see the effects of testosterone HRT.

don't give up. it's worth it. we are all but caterpillars weaving our cocoons. the day where you emerge as a butterfly will come way, way sooner than you think. you got this. keep it up.

"Many of us were taught to believe that the desire to be sexual independently or with others is automatic, a given— that everyone wants to have sex and even if you wait a little longer than most people you know, you will eventually want to have sex too, whether alone or with a partner. But it's certainly not automatic for most people, and it's not a given for some people, very much including asexual people.

I’ll never forget how I felt when, at sixteen, I was searching online and found an LGBTQIA+ Tumblr blog—one of the first of its kind—where people could submit anonymous secrets on designed graphics for others to read. It was the first place I learned more about asexuality and the asexual spectrum, and realized that I might not be completely alone. After finding that, I became more connected with the asexual community and with LGBTQIA+ online spaces, and realized that there are plenty of other people who, like me, are queer and gray-asexual.

Asexuality is an orientation usually defined by a focus on romantic, aesthetic, spiritual, or physical intimacy, or on non-sexual friendship, rather than on sexual attraction or sexual intimacy. The asexual community is diverse and asexual people have a wide variety of experiences, but what most have in common is prioritizing other types of attraction and relationships over sexual ones."

Your body works hard to keep you alive. Show it some kindness and respect today.

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What if I'm a trans woman and I don't have, or yet have, a vulva or breasts? How do I deal with not even having the body parts a partner might expect me to have, or having them look like they do on cisgender women? 

I hope you know already your womanhood is not contingent upon what's between your legs. No one deserves invasive, inappropriate questions about their body parts. It is not okay for people to pry, demanding you "prove" something to them. You never, ever deserve that. You do deserve to be recognized and respected as a woman, because that's who you are. You deserve to be seen and wanted for you, not as a collection of parts.

Deciding how and when to tell potential partners that you're trans is a personal choice. It takes a lot of courage to trust a person in this way given how pervasive transphobia is. If you can be straightforward and direct about your identity from the get-go, you might avoid wasting your time on someone who refuses to accept you or just can't deal. Waiting until you've established the groundwork of trust with a person certainly has some benefits.

But there are also risks involved with disclosing your identity to potential partners, as you know. These risks range from rejection to physical violence. I hate that we live in a world where this must be emphasized, but do be mindful of your safety. If you don't know a person well, you can never be entirely sure of the way they will react. It's not fair, but it is a tragic reality that must be kept in mind.

I've collected a few different articles about dating, relationships, hookups, sex, and body image and how they specifically pertain to trans women that might help you out:

Getting With Girls Like Us: A Radical Guide to Dating Trans* Women for Cis Women is what it says. Even if you don't date women, this is a really great article that might help you articulate some of the trickier, more frustrating stuff about dating.

How Society Shames Men Dating Trans Women and How This Affects Our Lives is an article by activist and writer Janet Mock. When you understand the different ways shame manifests itself, you can begin gathering the resources to take it down. Many of this article's undertones echo those in the piece above, but this one specifically emphasizes relationships with straight cisgender men.

Trans in the Media: Unlearning the 'Trapped' Narrative & Taking Ownership of Our Bodies is another piece by Janet Mock. It has a lot of great stuff about identity, body image, and insecurity specifically as these issues pertain to trans* women.

(Adapted from The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism by Samantha Benac)

It’s never fun for anyone to be ghosted, but it can be especially challenging for people on the autism spectrum. Douglas brings comfort and practical help in this new installment of his column.

having a ponder about being aromantic and the kinds of friendships or qprs I might want to have

The Blame Game

"You may have gotten involved with someone you or your friends suspected or knew was abusive or had a history of abusive behavior. You may have been at a party and had too much to drink around people you didn't know or trust. You may have tolerated sexual teasing and taunting, or kept quiet about it. You may have gone alone with someone and initially wanted to be with them, but changed your mind. You may have stayed in an abusive relationship even when you knew you should leave.

Even if any of these conditions were present, and even if you didn't make the best choices, the fault still lies with the abuser, not you. Certainly, we all need to learn to protect ourselves and make choices which are in the best interest of keeping us safe. But even if we have not done so, or if we missed what in hindsight seem like obvious clues we were in danger, it’s not our fault. Ever. If someone is trying to tell you or someone you know who is being or has been abused that it is their fault, or if the little voices inside your head are telling you it’s your fault, understand that they are wrong. Just like the person who crashed their car into a tree is at fault, not the tree, the person at fault is the abuser, not the abused."

from Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

Latex barriers should not be used with oils or oil-based lubricants, as most will degrade the latex. The easiest way to be sure you're using the right lube? If it says it's latex safe, and/or meant for sexual (or vaginal) use, you're good. When in doubt, stick with something water-based or, if you want to get more adventurous with your lubes, do so only when using non-latex barriers.

(From All the Barriers! All the Time!)

"The problem is that no matter how we define sexual identity, behavior, or desire, we very rarely define it ourselves. Instead, we inherit definitions.

We inherit sexual scripts, sexual expectations, and sexual identities. We may immerse ourselves in -- or resist -- these trappings of sexual identity, but we very rarely consider creating them ourselves.

Moreover, we inherit certain definitions of sex whether or not we authentically relate to them. We inherit family sitcoms parented almost exclusively by straight couples. We inherit religious backgrounds with strongly gendered narratives about who's meant to have sex, with whom, when, and how. Acknowledging this is not merely crooning a country song of "society, you done me wrong." Acknowledging the cultural scripts around sex allows us to recognize the ways they've influenced us and -- if we see fit -- to resist their impact.

Asexual space facilitates this process because it operates differently -- albeit in relationship to -- the dominant sexual scripts. The assumptions of sexuality can be off-putting. They tend to be based on other assumptions -- about gender and heterosexuality, for instance -- that don't sit well with many of us. (In fact, they tend to be connected to sexist, cissexist, and heterosexist messages that don't really need to sit well with us.) Still, when these definitions don't comfortably reflect our identities, they can make it that much more difficult to envision what would.

Asexuality starts with different assumptions. It presumes the absence of desire -- it centers sexuality at 0, rather than at a given but vague or unknown X-factor -- and members of the ace community define within (or against) that assumption. Although in some cases, asexual individuals feel no interest in sexual or romantic activity of any kind, in other instances, they build on the "no desire" assumption to identify specific, complex webs of interest: I'm asexual but I masturbate. I'm asexual but I feel sexual interest in specific circumstances. I'm asexual but I like to kiss.

Employing these kinds of caveats adjusts "asexuality" to fit one's specific experience of sex. The term becomes a blueprint for shaping an identity based on personal desire, rather than social scripts."

(from Sp[ace] Exploration: What Sexual People Can Learn from Asexual Communities by Mary Maxfield Brave)

“Gender identity can be a complex part of yourself to figure out; consistent for some, and mercurial for others. Either way, it’s easy to get in the weeds with #gender any time you try and approach it from a new angle. It can overwhelm you, and consume far too much of your precious brain. When it gets to that point, it may be time to find an outlet. Not everyone has access to things like transgender #support groups, or other people in their lives willing to lend an ear. This has especially been the case for many over the course of the COVID-19 pandemic. Pandemic or not, it’s beneficial to be able to count on yourself for help working through a gender impasse. Journaling has been an incredibly helpful tool I’ve discovered in my own gender journey. Maybe it could help you, too? I want to share some of my personal experience about journaling to support my gender journey, along with some tips for your own gender journal.”

Read the rest of Clove Kelly Hernandez’ fantastic piece here!