it takes some composure not to tense when her hand makes contact with his arm or avert his eyes when she attempted to look him in the eyes. because there’s nothing he wants more than to just remove himself from all this, forget he ever saw these photographs. however, that would only enforce the idea of his naivety and as future rule he could not allow himself to nurture such traits. this was something he’d initiated and therefore had to see this conversation through. how he wishes he could be like other men, learn to push emotions down and keep logic at the foremost part of his consciousness, it would make this exchange far easier.
perhaps it had been none of his business and he shouldn’t have pried, gone looking for answers he didn’t particularly want to hear. but topher was no lover of secrets, and while his heart ached now he knew it would have been worse if he had pretended he knew nothing. the knowledge of ann having secrets from him would have been taxing, would make him reluctant to trust her, and that was the absolute last thing he wanted.
topher believes her words, believes that there was no longer anything between her and this stranger named joe bradley that had shown her what it felt like to be someone without royal duties or ties, but the lump in his throat doesn’t lessen. it’s not for lack of understanding, he too would have reveled in a day on the outside where he could blend into the crowd and behave however he wanted without ten royal advisors chiding or whispering in his ear. perhaps he envies her a bit in that regard, envies her opportunity to taste freedom. his obligation to the crown, to his parents and their wishes is enough to hold him back, though, the thought of bringing them shame or disgrace terrifies him more than all else.
the fact that she lied, that he let him believe the lies spread to the public about her having fallen ill, stings more than he’d like to admit. did she not trust him to stay silent with the knowledge? he would have loved hearing about her day of freedom, the things she experienced ( albeit he does not know how much he wanted to hear about mr bradley ).
“i believe you,” he assures quietly, “i can not blame you for yearning for freedom nor for chasing it when the chance presented itself. i know how confining this life can be. that said, i don’t see why you would keep this from me. i would have liked to hear about your adventure, did you think i wouldn’t understand?”
❛ i - ❜
her day of adventures was the only memory that belonged to her. not PRINCESS ANN, not her royal highness, but to just her. and when she’d come back from what had been the best day of her life up until that point, she’d been faced with such harsh reprimanding and such disappointment that she’d vowed to never bring it up again. between just wanting something of her own, and not wanting to upset aunt cece anymore, she’d stopped talking about it all together, only revisiting the night whenever she was truly upset.
❛ it wasn’t that. ❜
she knows she’s messed up ; knows that she’s broken the trust that topher had in her. she hadn’t meant to keep it from him, really, she hadn’t. all she wanted was something that was just hers, and hers alone. knows that of all the people in her life, topher would be the one who would understand her. he’d grown up similarly, of course he’d understand her desire to have a day off. everybody else got a day off, why couldn’t they?
❛ it was - just for me, topher. not princess ann, just me. i got to be another person, an ordinary girl, for a day. i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to that just yet. ❜
remembers the stern talking to she’d been given from aunt cece, from the countess - can still picture how UPSET they’d all been. ann was one that rarely disappointed ; always trying to meet the high expectations of her family. the stricter security, increased surveillance - all the hassle she’d caused after her adventures. the subject was never revisited, but ann had known, deep down, that the damage had already been done.
❛ i’m sorry. ❜
