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Not Shore. Just Hear.

@invisible-trickster / invisible-trickster.tumblr.com

An asexual living, breathing organism held together completely by hot glue, duct tape and a number of non description objects found round the house.
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renthony

Maybe all the twentysomethings are obsessed with cartoons because all the “adult” shows show the same traumas, frustrations, and anxieties we already have to deal with 24/7.

Sometimes you just wanna watch a princess of power or a magical alien child do fancy magic stuff in a lower-stakes world where you can be reasonably sure you won’t be subjected to depictions of extreme violence, gore, assault, and sex without warning, ya dig?

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raeseddon

It’s true and you should say it

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katswenski
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plume

OMG everyone I know the ACTUAL story behind the gif this time! Yes, it’s in Australia– that’s a big angry goanna that wandered into a popular restaurant. All the Australians in the vicinity went OH FUCK NO and cleared off, because goannas are mean. The waitress you see there is a French exchange student, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “I thought it was a weird ugly dog” and had no idea it was a reptile that wanted to rip her arms off. She’s been hailed as a hero who saved diners.

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mousathe14

It’s amazing what power “not knowing” has.

The thing I especially love about this is this is a pretty dangerous animal, except she managed to defeat it by just fucking grabbing it by the tail and walking too quickly for it to turn around. Once again the animal kingdom is thwarted because we evolved opposable thumbs, long limbs, and reckless bravery.

weird, ugly dog thwarted by foreign exchange student and polished floors 

my take-home lesson here is that nobody in france has ever first-hand seen a dog

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deathcomes4u

no no, french dogs just be like that

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axylh

unrecognizable force VS ignorant object

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Demon Shane is good and it would be even better if he got possessed by a specific demon

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erainab

i am shook to my goddamn CORE. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

peak LGBT ally is robert pattinson and taylor lautner kissing each other so that kristen stewart didn’t have to be straight live on TV

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Today I learned that Van Halen have that rider in their contract about “a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones removed” in order to know at a glance if the promoter read the entire contract.  And the reason they do THAT is because they once had a stage collapse because a promoter hadn’t read the proper way to set up all the specific technical stuff.

So if the band goes in the dressing room or catering and sees brown M&Ms, they know they have to double-check the stage setup for safety.

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darkfrog24

I heard about this on Freakonomics Radio.  Turns out the bit about no brown M&Ms is HUGE, in BIG font, bold, underlined and quotated like they’re on the Group W Bench.

The band was all, “We have fifty-pound lights hanging over our heads and fire being shot out of cannons.  We had to know whether they read our safety regs so we didn’t flamebroil any roadies.”

interesting how this has become a meme in the music industry about divas. i’ve always heard jokes that amount to “this stuck up celebrity hates the green gummy bears!! they’re refusing to perform just for that???” and its reading stuff like this that i realise how that joke might have come about. people get grumpy that the band refuses to play but cant admit its because THEY’RE incompetent, so they make it all about the M&Ms. another example of artists using a creative method to ensure they have a perfectly reasonable request fulfilled that is then bastardised by lazy people who wanna make money off them. 

…this is like the music industry version of hearing the truth behind the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit

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8 for the fic thing (And they were roommates! Oh mah gawd... they were roommates!)

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8. ROOMMATES CREWT AU BECAUSE COME ON CREWT WAS MADE FOR A MODERN ROOMMATES AU

“Lemme help with the boxes, Credence! Please! Please! Please! Lemme help!”

Modesty bounced up and down excitedly beside him, her blond braided pigtails swinging back and forth. Her bright blue eyes practically sparkled with delight.

“Only if you’re careful.”

“Hey,” she grinned and pointed her thumbs at her chest, “I’m always careful.”

“Oh really?” Credence stacked a pair of large, plastic storage bins on top of each other and lifted them up with a soft grunt, “That black eye of yours says otherwise.”

“Ya know I gotta protect my big brother,” Modesty lightly punched his arm, hopping onto the moving truck as he stepped off, “Nobody insults you and gets away with it.”

“My hero,” he drawled, “Saving me from a mouthy eight-year-old.”

“I’ll have you know that he was twelve and I still managed to kick his ass.”

“Language.”

“English,” Modesty sing-songed and flew up the stairs ahead of him, glancing back over her shoulder once to stick out her tongue at him.

Credence laughed and simply followed behind.

He stepped over the threshold into the apartment, various critter noises greeting their arrival.

He had stumbled across the listing online last Monday morning when Credence was pouring Modesty a bowl of Fruit Loops before she left for Elementary School. He’d nearly dropped his phone in the garbage bin because it had just seemed too good to be true.

A second story apartment in Brooklyn, already furnished and all amenities included. There was a washer and dryer (goodbye Discount Laundromat!) and an actual kitchen with marble counters and a working stove. Wide windows overlooked the nearby park and every room could fit Credence’s humble studio inside. Not to mention that there were enough bedrooms that he and Modesty wouldn’t have to share a crumbly old futon that he swore had seen a good portion of the seventies.

This was a rich man’s apartment.

And Credence was getting it at a 99% discount. 

The owner’s brother had recently moved out to take a job in government. He’d been following in their father’s footsteps or something like that. A senator or whatever.

But the point was that the guy was searching for new tenants to keep him company. 

Credence didn’t care if he was rooming with some rich university brat taking pity on some poor down-on-their-luck community college student and his nine-year-old sister. 

The rent was cheap and the place was both kid and pet-friendly. 

Mraow.

Obscurus weaved between Credence’s legs, nearly tripping him.

“Modesty, can you–”

“Yeah, yeah! I’ve got him!” she called out from her bedroom. 

Credence rolled his eyes and set down the storage bins in the hall. He wiped his sweaty forehead, the exercise having taken its toll on his thin out-of-shape body, and rolled up his sleeves.

He paused.

And ran his fingers down the swirling designs of jet black ink. 

The tattoos made him feel more comfortable in his skin. Even though people stared whenever he wore short sleeves, it wasn’t like how it was before. He’d much rather endure stares of curiosity and disgust than the looks of pity and horror at the scars hidden underneath.

“You okay?” Modesty lingered in the bedroom doorway, resting her shoulder against the frame.

“… yeah, I think so,” Credence turned and ruffled her hair, smiling, “Didya get Obby?”

“Oh shit.”

Credence groaned, “Language.

“English!” a surprised voice shouted out from the front door, “Buggering fuck!

Credence stepped out of the hall just in time to see Obscurus bolting through the apartment, disappearing into Modesty’s room. A flash of grey and yellow stripes and auburn hair stumbled forward and Credence moved before he could think.

The man fell against his chest, his long gangly arms wrapping haphazardly around his shoulders to balance himself.

Time froze for a moment.

The man looked up, his gorgeous green eyes widening.

Credence’s heart skipped a beat.

“Oh! Pardon me, it seems that I’ve fallen for you,” he grinned lopsidedly, “The name’s Newt Scamander. I’m your new roommate.”

Three months passed within the blink of an eye and Credence currently found himself in bed, conflicted.

Because Newt wasn’t anything he’d imagined him to be. He wasn’t some snobby trust fund kid who had never suffered or gone without in his life. Hadn’t taken in Credence and Modesty out of pity or to have some poor person entertainment while his brother was away.

No, Newt was lonely.

And kind.

He was the most considerate person Credence had ever met and so soft-spoken that he gave even Credence a run for his money. Newt even had these cute little smiles and he’d tap his forehead with his thumb as if he’d just been told a secret.

Modesty adored him and Credence–

Credence liked him.

Credence ran his hands down his face and groaned.

Over these past couple months, he’d learned that Newt was studying to become a veterinarian. Honestly, that came as no surprise to Credence when Newt started bringing injured animals home during their very first week together.

Newt just couldn’t stand aside whenever he saw a creature in need and, for some strange reason that Credence couldn’t explain, injured animals just seemed to flock to Newt’s side. He’d brought home birds that had hurt their wings, squirrels that had fallen out of their trees, abandoned kittens and all sorts.

All that was normal; but, somehow, strange creatures seemed to find their way to Newt too.

A lost amazon parrot that Newt named Pickett because of his tendency to escape his birdcage in the middle of the night. A tarantula named Niffler that liked to steal shiny things. An 8 foot boa constrictor he named Occamy and a Chinchilla that he’d let Modesty name Dougal. 

The apartment was just bursting with life.

And Newt loved it.

He taught Modesty how to handle each creature with care. He’d talked her through holding Niffler between her palms and how to change bandages on a wriggling pigeon. He taught her how to change Occamy’s nesting and how to prepare her dinners. 

Sometimes, Newt would pay attention to their little bundle of black fur and take Obscurus into his arms. On even rarer occasions, he’d dance about the apartment with him when he thought no one was home and sang soft songs to him that left Obscurus purring up a storm.

And left Credence melting into a great big pile of gay.

He didn’t even know if Newt swung that way. Even more, Credence didn’t know if he wanted to chance making a move. This was a good arrangement he had here and rejection could mean he and Modesty landing back on the streets. That’s how they had ended up at the rat-infested studio in the first place all because Ma had found out that he wasn’t as straight as she thought he was.

Credence frowned. His arms suddenly started aching. 

No, he couldn’t like Newt. 

Because Newt was literally the man of his dreams and they were roommates.

Oh god, they were roommates.

They’d been living together for a year and Credence had absolutely destroyed his life.

When he had first arrived with his sister, Credence kept mostly to himself. He would wake early in the morning to prepare Modesty’s breakfast and send her out for school with a bagged lunch before heading out himself to classes. He’d return late in the afternoon to work on dinner or cleaning before locking himself in his room until Modesty returned. They never really interacted much at first.

But, Newt didn’t mind it that much.

Theseus had looked into him before giving Newt permission to accept his roommate application. He’d found out that Credence had been briefly featured in the news.

His Mother was a religious extremist that had been known to beat her children. CPS had been called multiple times and the Department of Children and Family Services had investigated the household on so many occasions that everyone on staff knew Credence and Modesty by name. But nothing had been done to get them out. Nothing could be done.

Until the incident occurred.

Screams louder and more scared than they’d ever heard before had prompted the neighbors – a pair of sisters named Tina and Queenie Goldstein – running to the Barebone house. They’d looked inside the window.

And saw Credence running through the kitchen, hair shorn and broken arm held against his chest, as Mary Lou chased him down.

Butcher’s knife in hand.

An urgent 911 call later and SWAT had the house surrounded. They’d led Mary Lou out in cuffs and found Credence bleeding out on the bathroom floor, hanging onto an inch of his life. 

Poor Modesty had come home from school to see her Mother being loaded into the back of a police car while her brother was carted into an ambulance.

Those two had been through Hell and back.

They didn’t need Newt asking about the stiff way Credence walked or the jagged marks hidden underneath the black of his tattoos. They didn’t need him poking his nose as to why Modesty texted Credence every hour to see if he was okay, if he still alive and breathing. They didn’t need him to remind them of what they’d been through and how they were coping. They didn’t need to be pitied.

Instead, Newt got to know them as people.

He’d started waking up early in the mornings to make Credence coffee and slowly started initiating conversation between them. Nothing ever about his past but about who he was now. What classes Credence was taking in school. What his favorite foods were. His favorite type of weather and colors.

He was majoring in English with a minor in Creative Writing. Apparently, he wanted to be a writer. 

His favorite food was pumpkin pie with extra, extra, extra whipped cream.

His favorite type of weather was whenever it snowed.

His favorite color was green.

Slowly, Credence started smiling whenever he saw him in the morning and it was then that Newt discovered that he was absolutely head over heels for him.

But, he didn’t dare make the first move. Didn’t dare chance ruining what they had in case Credence didn’t return his feelings. So, Newt just continued waking up at 5:30 AM every morning like always to make Credence a cup of coffee.

Because they were roommates.

Only roommates.

One day, Modesty locked them in the apartment.

“For fucks sake, talk. You two are driving me insane.”

“Modesty, honey, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Credence peered into the peephole, all nerves and worry, “Please open the door and come back inside.”

“Hmmm, I don’t think so. I’m taking the bus to Miss Goldstein’s house and I’m not coming back till dinner, okay? Bye Credence! Bye Newt!” she skipped off cheerily, “Love ya!”

“Modesty,” Credence raised his voice, desperate, “You come back here right now! Modesty! Modesty! Ugh!

Credence cursed and turned around, sliding his back down the door. He covered his face with an exasperated moan.

Newt awkwardly pulled at his collar.

“Erm,” he didn’t know what to say, “What does she mean we have to talk?”

“I have no idea,” Credence’s cheeks flared red, most likely in frustration.

Newt sat down beside him and leaned his head back against the door, trying to think of anything they weren’t addressing. They were rather good at talking with one another. Maybe Credence felt bad for paying such low rent while Newt paid for most of it or maybe it was the creatures or–

“You’re not bothered by Niffler, are you?” he frowned, genuinely worried, “I know some people are icky around insects and spiders. I can keep him in my room if necessary–”

“I would have told you if I was bothered,” Credence mumbled, “I think all your creatures are fantastic. Niffler especially. I like him a lot.”

“Not as much as I like you.”

Credence blinked and slowly turned his impossibly dark eyes onto him. His mouth opened and closed, as if trying to say something but the words just wouldn’t come through.

It was only as a blush blossomed across his pale cheeks that Newt realized what he said.

Newt’s face turned a hundred shades of scarlet and sharply squeaked. That’s right, he was so embarrassed he squeaked.

“I’m so sorry,” Newt buried his face between his palms, “That was completely inappropriate. I didn’t–”

“… I like you too.”

Newt’s heart stopped.

He hesitantly peeked between his fingers.

“Really?”

Credence was looking anywhere but at him. He awkwardly rubbed his hands together, that scarlet blush deepening every passing second.

“Had a crush for a– for a while now,” Credence swallowed thickly, “Didn’t say anything because I– didn’t want to make it weird.”

“You live with me, Credence. Weird is our normal.”

That earned a small laugh out of him.

“I suppose you’re right,” Credence rested his cheek against his palm, his smile quickly dissolving into a worried frown, “I guess I didn’t say nothing because I didn’t think you’d… want me. You could do better than me. I’m broken and I’m trying so hard to be better for Modesty’s sake. But I’m not whole and I don’t think I ever will be. And I just–”

Tears shimmered in his eyes.

Newt’s body moved before he could think about what he was doing and took Credence’s hands into his. 

He squeezed them gently, lovingly, and stared straight into those beautifully haunting eyes of liquid darkness.

“I don’t want to do better than you because you’re already everything I want,” Newt whispered, “I think you’re perfect.”

“I’m really not,” Credence choked out.

“Hmm, I disagree. Your smile is perfect. The way you stick cute little notes in Modesty’s lunch bag every morning is perfect. The way your eyes crinkle when you laugh is perfect. The way you take your coffee with two sugars and a splash of cream is perfect. You’re the perfect you there ever was, Credence, and I like you so much–”

Credence slipped his hand behind his neck and kissed him.

And even though it was clumsy and awkward and definitely involved more teeth than expected, it was perfect nonetheless.

Because it was with Credence.

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summerplease

Is it just me, or does this get faster and faster the longer I look at it?

it DEFINITELY gets faster.

Cool story: your brain takes so much longer to process this the first time you watch it, but as you continue watching it, your memory retains more and more of the scene. Thus, your brain can process it quicker and knows what to expect.

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as-seenon-tv

I’m reblogging this because that comment made me think

Is that the same reason for why things get funnier the more you watch it?

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I HAVE MISSED THIS VIDEO MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD COME TO MAMA YOU FUCKIN TRIBAL ASS FUNKY WASHING MACHINE

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anoia

Sir there is a drumline in your washer.

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mr-scribble

Someone please make a song from this beat. It’s sick.

I heared a videogame soundtrack like that somewhere, gosh, i dont know which it could be from!

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euphrates75

No harm to any religion. It’s just a lamp ads by an Australian company. However, it’s funny!

I’m going to cry 😂😂

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tienriu

Ahaha, the reason why Mohammad is specifically mentioned as not being able to be there is because in Islam, portrayals and portraits of Mohammad are forbidden.  But they didn’t want to be seen as either hand waving him as at the table but not shown or as explicitly omitted.

Very smart move there advertising script writers.

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lynati

THEY HAVE A JEDI AT THE END BECAUSE JEDI IS A RECOGNIZED RELIGION IN AUSTRALIA omfg

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