It's midnight and dealing with stress and a depressed mood. I've also been psychoanalyzing myself and looking at my past void screaming and ranting and depression... It really is because of my loneliness. But also my need for attention and to be heard. Don't know if being a middle child is related. Or always being talked over by family and friends. And because of this need for attention, I ignored the signs and i got into a stalking situation with someone where even though that person's attention was unhealthy and inappropriate... I think I enjoyed someone paying attention to me. And because I ignored my gut feeling, I had an incredibly stressful week a couple weeks ago and I feel like the sleep deprivation is still affecting me. And my brain dipped into a depressed mood and then my period hit and it was one of the most painful ones compared to the recent ones. It just feels so overwhelming and tiring and I just feel lonely and I want to have someone be there but because I'm who I am, I don't want romance but I feel like that's the goal everyone else is going for and by the way, I'm probably aromantic and I'm not dealing with it well. I've come to the realization around a year and a half ago, but I still don't like it. I want to force myself to be "normal" but also I don't know how to do that since I've never experienced romantic feelings before. And because I'm lonely and I want someone to be there for me, I feel like a selfish asshole who wants someone to have me be their number 1 but I don't think I'm quite able to do that in return, you know? Also I definitely shouldn't be doing this and ranting on the Internet, but this again ties back to my attention seeking, right? So I could just not post this but I also want to scream into the void (it's cheaper than therapy I guess) and so here we are... Anyways wall of text is pretty much over, midnight crying and crisis not really over but I guess a little bit better. Wish me luck.
