Casual Suicidal Tendencies

You know when you’re depression has gone on for so long that you just don’t expect it to ever go away? That feeling of meeting new people and trying to hide the fact that you really don’t care if you live or die? Living life in a dull grey haze never getting real joy. Never feeling true love. Never even feeling sad. Just blank and empty like a desert.

People see me and they see a mom smiling and semi put together probably a bit scattered and stressed but overall a happy young(ish) woman with so much to live for. That’s not true though. I smile yes but I don’t feel happiness. I love my children but I also feel they would be better off without me. I’m young (28) but I’ve lived 10lives of pain and suffering and I’ve been drained. I don’t really have interests even though I try to do things. I try to paint and draw. I try doing my makeup and looking nice. I try to take care of myself. All of this I try in vain because I know at the end of the day I’m still empty and dead inside.

I don’t care if I live or die so driving a van that may die on me or make me crash because it’s never fully repaired doesn’t phase me. But I don’t drive my kids in it if I can avoid it. Working in a kitchen daily but I’m never careful. I get burned all the time and I get cut from knives slipping. It’s pain but it’s good because I remember I’m alive and not in hell.

Currently my life isn’t terrible. I have a husband, though I don’t really love him anymore and I want to leave I stay because of my kids and my step kids. I have a job I’m off work when the kids aren’t in school and it decent pay so I’m not complaining. My mom is cancer free and finishing up treatment then she will go back home. I have good friends even if they live far away. I have amazing kids. A son who started working recently a daughter getting into cheer learning who she is and growing into a young woman before my eyes. Another son who is fighting with anxiety and adhd trying to figure out who he is and what he place is in the world. And my youngest girl full of fire and life. Something I hope she never loses as she grows and finds an unfair world.

I try to keep going day by day. Just one day more. Just one step farther. Just keep going in you haze. Fake it till you make it. Don’t let the darkness take over again. I try. But I’m losing. I feel it building; the apathy, the dullness, and the complete lack of emotion. It’s like a shadow over my shoulder leaning in and over me. Covering my eyes and mouth. creating a puppet. Because that’s what I am anymore. A puppet of casual suicidal tendencies.

How could you be suicidal?

I get this question every time someone finds out that I want to die. They automatically assume that it’s because I had a traumatic childhood. Which I did but that’s not why I’m still this way. They assume it’s because I’ve been raped several times. Again true but not the reason why. They see my trauma and see that I’ve tried to kill my self over and over again and always failed.

They don’t see any reason why I should want to die NOW. They see a marriage that’s not perfect but is full of love. They see a mom with 4 awesome kids that are smart and funny. They see a woman with a business she started from scratch even if it hasn’t taken off yet. They don’t see me though.

They don’t see that for 10 years my life from before has been locked in storage. I’m unable to go through and process that last and move on get rid of things keep things that matter. They don’t see that I struggle every single day to do basic things. They don’t see that I’m the sole caretaker of 5 other people who don’t do anything for themselves 90+% of the time.

They don’t see that things that seem so small have been building up. The destruction caused by ADHD, with possibly more issues that we don’t know of, goes unnoticed by everyone else. Being the only one to take care of everyone when they are sick or hurting but no one caring when I am sick or hurting. They don’t see that I’m constantly drowning and begging for help.

So yes, I want to die. It would be so relieving to die. I’m so tired. So tired of being in pain. So tired of going unheard and unseen. So tired of living in someone else’s house. I’m so tired of the noise and the mess. Of hating everything and everyone, myself especially.

But if I died who would do what I do? Who would carry the weight I do? No one can do that. My husband can’t do it. My children can’t do it. There would be no one to support them.

So I stay alive; for them I suffer. For them I wake up. For them I live in pain with every movement and every breath. It’s all for them it always was and always will be. Until the day they leave and I’m no longer needed to hold them up.

That will be the day I can finally stop. The day I can finally rest. The day the pain comes to an end. They will move on and live. I’m not a big part of their life now and I won’t be then. So I will just fade away and that will be the end. It will finally be silent that day. And I look forward to it.

Depression is not Misery

I’m not miserable. I have a loving husband and great kids. I have a home and family that loves me. Im trying to get healthy. Things can get tough sometimes. Like now my mom is fighting breast cancer. It sucks so much but she’s alive and they think she will recover. I’m getting a kitten soon that cute and fluffy. But despite all this good stuff. I’m depressed. I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I can’t take care of myself half the time. Sometimes I think to myself “I’m so miserable.” But I’m not. I’m depressed. My brain is getting in the way of my life. I’m realizing that I have to be careful not to let my brain get carried away. I have to keep track of those thoughts and remind myself that I have a good life. So I’m not miserable not anymore.