Among the Stars
I found her there again, sitting in a chair beside her window, her head laid gently upon her arms as she gazed up at the night sky. Setting myself down in a chair beside her, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, letting her know I was there. A smile danced across her lips, her eyes twinkling like the stars she adored so much.
“The moon’s so bright tonight,” she whispered reverently. I followed her gaze to the brilliantly lit moon dusting light across the nighttime sky, and couldn’t help but agree with the sentiment.
“It most definitely is,” I whispered back, a smile of my own painting itself across my face, despite my best efforts. We sat beside the window in comfortable silence for a moment longer, before I gave her arm a soft squeeze through the fabric of her shirt.
“Noelle, darling, you should be in bed. You know this.” Her smile stayed put, pretending to not have heard me as she moved a pale finger to point at a particularly bright star.
“See that one? That can be you,” she murmured, before pointing at an even brighter one. “And that? That’s going to be me.” A sad smile flickered across my face.
“What makes you think you’re going to become a star?” I teasingly asked, poking her side. Noelle giggled, making my heart soar as she turned to look at me, finally taking her eyes off of the night sky.
“I don’t just think it, I know it, silly!” She smiled widely, showing off the gap in her teeth where she had recently lost her first baby tooth. “I’m going to become a star, because then I can lead all the other lost kids to Neverland.” Noelle turned back to the window, resting her head back on her arms. “That way I get to meet Peter Pan.”
Another sad smile placed itself upon my lips, and I stared out the window at the stars twinkling so brilliantly in the sky above us. The clock ticked quietly on the wall across the room, making every passing second seem to last both an eternity and no time at all.
Please, let this last just a moment more.
Footsteps in the hallway outside her room had Noelle quickly, clumsily getting out of her chair, rushing to get back to bed. She grunted as she pulled herself onto the bed, her small arms barely strong enough to lift herself up. As she laid down beneath the thin bedding, curling up to pretend as though she had been asleep the whole time, she gave me a lighthearted smile.
“Kiss goodnight?” She whispered hopefully, the footsteps getting closer.
“Not tonight my love, but soon.” Her smile melted away, replaced by an unreadable mix of emotions.
“All right,” she whispered finally, before yawning, the footsteps almost outside her door.
“’Til tomorrow night, Noelle,” I murmured, disappearing into the shadows, as she slipped into the depths of sleep. The security guard stopped outside the door, shining his dim flashlight through the window in the door, briefly checking to make sure she wasn’t out of bed before moving on to the next room.
I checked the clock, lit up in the streams of moonlight coming in through the window. 9:00, just like every night for the past two years. But it’s all subject to change. The thought pushed itself to the forefront of my mind, and I quickly tore my gaze away from the clock.
“Not tonight,” I whispered to the moon, the stars, to any who would listen. “Not just yet.”
Giving one last look to Noelle sleeping peacefully in her bed, I melted away into the ambience of the night.
Noelle was sitting in her chair by the window the next night, but as I sat down beside her I couldn’t help but notice her eyes weren’t shining as brightly as they usually did. I draped my arm across her shoulders, and a small smile flickered across her face, but she couldn’t manage to make it stay.
“The stars are beautiful tonight, aren’t they?” I asked gently, pulling her to me, trying to make her smile.
“Yeah,” she muttered back. I pointed to the sky with my free hand, her eyes following my movements.
“See that guy right there?” I asked, looking down at her as she nodded her head.
“Do you know who that is?” She blinked, a smile stretching its way across her tired face.
“Is that… the second star to the right?” Noelle asked, staring intensely at the star.
“Bingo!” I applauded her, squeezing her tightly to my chest and making her giggle. Now that’s the Noelle I know, I thought happily. “That’s where Peter Pan took Wendy!”
“Wendy,” I heard her murmur, and giggle excitedly under her breath.
“He took them to Neverland, and he knew the way there all because of a star.” I watched her as I spoke, her eyes glittering with wonder as she stared at the star.
“And Tinkerbell?” She whispered.
“Mm-hmm, Tinkerbell too.” Noelle watched the star for a moment longer before speaking at last.
“What about you?” When I didn’t answer for a minute, she turned to look at me, an undiscernible look in her eye. “Which one are you?”
“Me?” I asked, unsure if I had heard correctly. She nodded her head.
“Which one are you?” She repeated. I gaped at her, glancing from the sky then back to her.
“I wanna know which one you are, so I can find you again when I become one too.” My heart clenched, but I gave her a reassuring smile despite it.
“Noelle you’ll never lose me, I’ll be right beside you the whole way.” She stared deep into my eyes, as though staring into my soul itself.
“I promise. I haven’t left you before, have I?” She thought for a moment, before shaking her head.
“No, never.” She smiled, looking back out at the stars. A thoughtful look crossed her face, as she gazed out at the stars for a long moment.
“I belong among the stars.” Her words hung in the air, penetrating the silence only otherwise disrupted by the incessant ticking of the clock. Desperate for a release from the somber atmosphere that’d been created, I loosened my grip around her shoulders, glancing at the door.
“C’mon darling, it’s almost 9:00, the security guard will be here any minute now.” She sniffled quietly one last time, giving a final glance at the moon before walking to her bed. As she struggled to pull herself onto the mattress, I stared at the sky. At the stars. At a particular star.
“Kiss goodnight?” Noelle asked from behind me, as a pair of footsteps started making their way down the hall. Turning around, I walked over to her bedside to tuck her in.
“Soon, darling.” She smiled sadly. “But not tonight.”
“Ok. Goodnight Wendy,” she murmured, her eyelids growing heavy. A nostalgic smile made its way onto my face as I responded:
“’Til tomorrow night, Noelle.” My whisper was lost to the night as she slipped away into a deep sleep, and the security guard shone his flashlight through the window in the door, quietly moving on to the next room.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
My blood ran cold as I felt a shift in the atmosphere; a heart monitor down the hall ominously seeming to foreshadow what was to come.
Another night, another child.
My gaze landed upon Noelle, and I barely managed to keep myself from running to her and holding her in my arms.
“Not today,” I murmured protectively, my voice cracking a slight bit as I watched Noelle’s chest rise and fall with each stuttering breath she took. “Not quite yet.”
The heart monitor was shut off. A voice was heard down the hall as I faded away into the night.
When I went to her the following night, she wasn’t by the window. She wasn’t in her chair. She was laying in her bed, her pillow propped up so she could breathe better, with her hands folded across her belly. Her head was tilted so she could look out the window, but from the angle her bed provided, she couldn’t see the sky over the tops of the nearby buildings. A sigh sent her into a coughing fit, and I hurried over to her bedside, gripping the edges of her sheets with worry as her eyes met with mine.
“Wen-” She coughed a moment longer, before being able to speak. “Wendy!” Noelle said, her voice tired. I managed a smile, wanting nothing more than to make her happy, but as per usual, she saw straight through me.
“I’m okay,” she reassured me, reaching out for my hand before pulling back, her arm too weak to hold up. Giving me a tired smile, she said: “They’re gonna put a TV in my room in a couple days so I can watch Peter Pan.” A genuine smile spread across my lips as she told me the news. “Can you believe that? My own TV?”
“Well won’t that be fun,” I whispered to her, moving to pull her sheets up further before noticing for the first time all of the wires attached to her body. “What… what are those?” I asked with worry.
“Mr. Doctor said they’ll help figure out what’s wrong with me.”
There’s nothing wrong with you, I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Instead, I just gave her a smile. Noelle watched me for a moment, before briefly glancing out the window, trying to catch just a glimpse of the stars before looking back at me in defeat.
“I fell over today and hurt my leg. The nurse lady said I can’t get out of bed again because of it.”
“Since when do you follow the rules?” I asked teasingly, trying to get a smile out of her. She stared at me blankly.
“I tried to get out of bed earlier and I set off some of the machines, they started beeping really loud,” she explained, craning her neck to look at the machines now stationed behind her bed.
Oh god, how did I not notice those sooner?
She continued. “It made the security man come in here; he’s really scary and he said I was in trouble,” she shivered, thinking back on the event. “I don’t want him to come in again.”
“Don’t worry, he won’t,” I reassured her, despite knowing it’s a promise I couldn’t keep. “I won’t let him.” Noelle smiled, turning her gaze back to me. She opened her mouth to say something, but ended up yawning instead.
“Mm-hmm.” She yawned once more, and – after bursting into another coughing fit – asked me: “Kiss goodnight?”
“Soon, darling. Just not yet.” Noelle sighed, a frown making its way across her face.
“When will it be ‘soon’?”
“Sooner than you’d imagine,” I answered finally, tucking her in.
“All right, that’s okay I guess,” She responded, her eyelids falling shut.
I checked the clock: 8:31PM.
Sooner than you’d imagine.
“Noelle, sweetie, I need you to look at me.”
“Where’s who, sweetheart?” Noelle didn’t respond, just kept staring over the nurse’s shoulder.
“She has to be here, she has to be,” she whispered to herself.
“Noelle, sweetie, who are you talking about?”
That was when Noelle saw me, finally, appearing behind the nurse. She smiled, a big, toothy grin, the happiness in her smile contrasting sharply to the exhausted look in her eyes.
“Wendy!” She said weakly, making the nurse turn around as I rushed to her bedside.
“See, what’d I say?” I grinned at Noelle.
“You promised you’d never leave me,” she said. “And you didn’t.” Her smile grew wider, but her head sunk further into her pillow, too feeble to keep it held up.
“Noelle darling, who are you talking to?” The nurse asked, turning back to look at her as the doctor walked in.
“Mr. Doctor, look it’s Wendy!” She laughed weakly, barely managing to point a finger in my direction. The doctor’s only acknowledgement of Noelle was a small laugh, before he tapped the nurse on the shoulder and whispered something in her ear, causing her to stand up abruptly.
“Listen, Noelle, sweetie, we’ll be right back, okay?” Without waiting for a response, they left the room, the nurse shutting the door behind them. Noelle turned to look at me.
“Is it today?” She asked. I sat down in the nurse’s chair by her bedside, my hands folded in my lap.
“Do you want it to be?” She looked out the window, the last few strands of daylight still lighting up the buildings across the street; still lighting up the lives of those lucky enough to make their own decisions, choose their own courses of action. She thought for a while, watching as the streetlamps came on in the streets down below, as rooms lit up or darkened in the office buildings across the street. She watched from a distance as people got to live out their lives in ways that she’d never, and may never still, get to do.
“We’ll stay together?” She asked, a hint of fear in her voice.
“Together forever.” With that she looked back at me, the fluorescent lighting in the room making her skin look even paler than normal.
“Like Peter Pan and Wendy?” She asked hopefully.
“Of course,” I giggled. Noelle let out a tired sigh, going into another coughing fit.
Click. The nurse opened the door, and walked into the room followed by the doctor. They were pulling a cart behind them, which had a TV on top of it.
“How’d you feel about watching Peter Pan, huh sweetheart?” The nurse asked happily, as the doctor turned the TV on.
Noelle’s face lit up for a brief moment, before a look crossed over her face and she said:
“No thanks, I don’t wanna.”
The nurse was caught off guard; the doctor stopped fiddling with the remote.
“Are-are you sure?” The nurse stuttered, sure she’d heard wrong.
“Yeah, I’m really tired.” Noelle added a yawn for emphasis. The nurse and the doctor exchanged looks.
“Well, um, alright sweetheart. You can take a little nap, we’ll come in to check on you later, all right?” Noelle nodded obediently. “We’ll leave the remote on your bedside table if you change your mind,” the nurse added, before ushering the doctor out of the room, and closing the door with a soft whisper of “sweet dreams.”
“You still sure you want it to be today?” I asked tentatively.
“I’m sure.” Another tired smile, transforming into the grin that I love so much. “Now can I have a kiss goodnight?” I smiled at her, at Noelle, my darling Noelle, as I rose from my chair.
I cupped her cheek in my hand, goosebumps raising on her skin, as I gently gave her a kiss on the forehead.
“I can’t wait to see the stars.”
Nurse Edwards
I turned in my ID card that night. I’d finally had enough, and quite frankly it shouldn’t have taken me that long to realize that nursing just wasn’t the job for me. When I got the job at the children’s hospital, I thought I’d be helping children with physical therapy, or helping them come to terms with a diagnosis; not having to watch as an orphan dies alone with nothing but her imagination to keep her company.
Wendy, she called her. Wendy Darling. Just like the one from Peter Pan.
“Wendy talks to me,” she’d tell me, when I’d come in to check on her.
“Really, what do you two talk about?”
“The stars, mostly. I love the stars.” She’d always give me a smile that showed off her missing tooth.“I’m going to become one, one day.”
“Really?” One thing I’ve learned while working here: Always humor a child, even if what they say is incredibly depressing.
“Mm-hmm. I’m gonna be a star, and I’m gonna help all the other lost kids find their way to Neverland.”
Noelle Williams, the orphanage said her name was. No information whatsoever on her parentage.
So young that she lost her first baby tooth while she was at the hospital, and I had to sneak a dollar under her pillow.
“Wendy says we’ll go on adventures together.”
So young that she still had an imaginary friend.
“Have you ever been on an adventure?”
So young that she still believed in princesses, and knights in shining armor.
“I wanna be a princess, like Tiger Lily.”
So young that she still thought the moon was made of cheese.
“What does moon cheese taste like?” (That made for an interesting conversation.)
The death of a child goes against the natural order of things. People are born, and then they become toddlers, then they go to school, then they become teenagers, and then they become adults. And for someone to die so early on in the process… it almost shouldn’t be possible.
I once heard someone say “the smallest coffins are the heaviest,” and they couldn’t be more right. But watching her coffin being lowered into the earth is a weight even heavier.
Although I have to say, I suppose, in a way… she got what she wanted.
Noelle Williams; the new Peter Pan. Forever young. Forever six.