hey i have hiccups can someone scare me

HOO!

thanks it worked

……you can go now

if i had a dollar for every pixel in this image i’d have 15 cents

if i had a dollar for every ounce of rage i felt in my body after i read this comment i would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you

actually I did the math, they would have $225, not $0.15

sis i’m right here….

if i had a dollar i would buy a can of soda :)

while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please?

sorry i only have a dollar

:(

hey I just realized my friend Vriska is right, they would have $22500 not $225

^my friend Vriska

if i had $22,500 i would buy a can of soda and an apply juice

You can buy anything you want with $22500

yeah and they want soda and apply juice

apply juice to what

directly to the forehead

Great post guys

Don’t blame this on me!

but why would we ever remove the wisest of our teeth

I got bad news for you

Very bad news

Incredibly bad news

Catastrophic news

Apocalyptic news

the beach

where i go to get away from sand.

this post is ancient look at all the deactivated accounts

Why all these pokemon racist

fuck algebra i don’t need it just give me a dead body and i’ll figure it out from there

i feel i should clarify i am a mortuary science major

Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, or back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they’re a wide-eyed mess.

fuck kinda subway are u going to?

Substitute teachers deal with so much shit

hey

you’re on thin fucking ice, buddy

Damn baby that iron defiencincy looks so sexy on you… hey wake up

noo don’t faint ur so pretty haha

Every single odd number has an “e” in it.

LISTEN-

Not all of them. 30 and 50 aren’t spelled with the letter e in it …

father god 

…if you can split a number in half evenly, it’s even. 30 and 50 are odd.

-_-’

(15+15=30

25+25=30)

25+25 = 30? You sure about that??

Lord have mercy….

Bye

3 days into 2018 smh

LMAOOOOOOO

One

Three

Five

Nine

And since everything else after that is a variant of these numbers, then all odds have the letter ‘E’.

🗣YOU FORGOT SEVEN!!

It keeps getting worse.

LMAOOO WHAT IS GOING ON

My head hurts…

This is why that Tumblr University shit was the dumbest idea ever just look at this

who failed yall?

IM SCREAMING

You whole ass forgot about eight - a number with an e and is pretty fucking even

why would 8 be brought up if it’s EVEN in a post about ODDS??????? the post said “every single ODD number has an ‘e’ in it” not “every single number with an ‘e’ is odd” what the fuck

3 days until 2019 and we’re still here

happy New year’s eve

I’m going to bring this flaming dumpster into 2019 so future generations can see what a mistake Tumblr was

Er, guys two is odd and doesn’t have an e. Just saying…

did you deadass just try to tell me two is odd? i’m fucking crying throw the whole website away

Reblogging for the last one😂

The one thing I notice is that no matter how much you want to throw this site away, you just can’t.

TWO IS ODD?!?! PFFFTT I’M SCREAMING

Wait what about zero that’s an odd number ,no?

ok but hear me out fifty and thirty make up for the fact they have no e by the way they are pronounces third-E fifth-E

bro why do 30 and 50 matter THEY’RE FUCKING EVEN

what the actual fuck is happening

As hilarious as that is…

… we’re out of glue. 

Completely out of glue. The glue slime trend that has swept the middle schools in our area has maxed out all outlets of glue from December 18th to today’s date- February 6th. We keep getting shipments of glue, but they only come in 20-bottle boxes and they are completely gone by the time the weekend is out. Children are buying them by the armful. 

And I would find this cute and honestly amazing that these kiddos are getting their first taste of entrepreneurship (mine was in high school, where I made novelty school ID’s) if it weren’t for the involvement of the parents. 

Because the kids are like ‘aw, you don’t have any? Ok. We’ll try somewhere else- thank you! Where’s your glitter?’

The parents… oh gods the parents. 

Calling us up at 9am- “What do you MEAN you don’t have any glue!? ITS A BASIC CRAFT ITEM! YOU HAVE TO HAVE GLUE!”

“You’re telling me that you DON’T CARRY GLUE?”

“I’m calling your corporate office to tell them just how wholly unprepared you all are because this is the fourth store I’ve called and NONE of you have any glue.”

“Can I pre-order? What do you MEAN I have to order from the website?”

“When will you be getting more? You don’t KNOW! HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW!? Two weeks at the EARLIEST!?”

“Can you call me when you get some? YOU CAN’T EVEN CALL ME WHEN YOU GET IT IN?”

I once caught one of our framers taking a call like these and I saw her re-inact Winona Ryder’s entire range of facial expressions a la SAG awards, eventually ending in her left eye going slightly wall when the angry parent finally hung up. 

And there are some that call every single day, asking the same questions and hoping that they’ll get a different answer. But no. I’m sorry. The Glue Fairy didn’t make a surprise visit last night. We did not plant the glue seeds in time for the harvest and now there is a glue famine. The small child that we sent to fetch more glue has been captured by witches- who are now intent on raising her as their own and we wish them luck. 

One day, my brother will have children and they will ask me about the Glue Famine of 2017 and I will recall a very specific instance wherein I could feel flecks of spittle coming through the end of the phone. 

One day I shall die and a team of necromancers will raise me from my crumbling sarcophagus and the very first words from my revived, husk of a maw will be ‘WE ARE STILL OUT OF GLUE, CRETINOUS FILTH!’

And this is how I knew that 2017 was going to be a bad year. Retail-mancy: I divine the fall of our nation by the fact that we are perpetually out of basic adhesives. And its not the children that buy them that make it a problem, but the parents who imagine that we somehow have control over the entire damn glue industry. 

Here. Buy that shit online and teach your children the benefits of buying bulk, because apparently it’s too late for the fucking adults, if my previous encounters with adult entrepreneurs is any indication. 

Why you want to yell at me for telling you the truth is beyond me when you could be putting all that energy towards not sucking. GIT GUD. 

I just learned today that tomorrow our store will be hopping on the glue slime trend and making an end cap to make easy access to our stock of glues, glitters, and I suppose we might be adding borax to our inventory. 

Need I remind you that this is what our glue stock has looked like for the past two months:

We just got some in two days ago and its already gone. 

So you have to imagine the position we’re in here- where we’re advertising glue that does not exist for more than three days every two to four weeks because of these tots are hell-bent on selling slime to their sandbox buddies.

 We’re not selling glue. We’re selling the concept of glue. We are selling the desire for glue. We are inspiring others to covet the glue we do not have. The glue is unknowable. It is invisible, intangible, ineffable. One day the glue uprising shall be upon us, and none shall speak its name. 

So like just in case you didn’t get the message-

We are out of glue.

Glue we are out of. 

Out of glue we are.

We glue of are out.

Because the dozen or so rows where we used to stock our glue is now a gaping cavity of woe, our heathen customers have decided that this is the perfect space to lazily put things that they just suddenly decide they don’t want anymore. And for some ridiculous reason, the most popular thing to leave where an associate can find it is fake flowers. 

Not even the first time this has happened, people. People are attempting to build a memorial to the glue that was, and will never be again. The time of glue has passed, we shall remember it fondly. Ashes to ashes, goop to goop. 

Rest in Particulate, Glue Aisle. 

Its about to get…

…significantly worse. 

I’ve had several people contact me about an email that went out from our company, advertising Glue Slime and giving out a recipe (instead of borax, using baking soda and contact lens solution… I weep for our local optometrists). Luckily, we were sent a large ration of glue on Thursday in preparation for the endcap that we just put up.

And for a moment, the balance was restored. We could rebuild! There was enough glue to fill the dozen or so places in its home and have a good amount for the display. Sadly, we were only given a few bottles of clear glue- which is the one that people really want because…. clear slime. But things were looking better!

But little did we know… 

… President’s Day was coming. 

And the children… needed something to do… 

Here is a photo of the display on Saturday morning. 

And here it is on Monday morning:

They have ravaged our glue surplus to 1/10th. The glue that filled its home space is completely gone. I am honestly surprised that the meager 40 bottles we have left are still there, and by the time I finish writing this- they may not be. 

Why would you do this to us, Mr President?

So while we have those 40 bottles, we can at least fend off the screaming parents, but I anticipate that a considerable amount of screaming will have already started by the time I start my shift this afternoon. 

I shall scream as well. 

I scream, they scream- we all scream into the yawning void of the glue section in hopes that the Elmer, God of Cheap Adhesives, will hear our cries and grant us the glue we so desperately yearn for. We shall be united in our despair. 

We have reached a place in our glue stock where we are consistently keeping up with demand, more or less. We get it in on Wednesday, they all come in on the weekend and we’re out by Monday- giving people one day to bitch and moan because what would these people do if they weren’t allowed to scream at us for a whole thirty seconds?

Well, I came in to work on Wednesday and I found this at our customer service desk:

Look out world- we have the gallons!

People asked for the gallons of glue, they got the gallons of glue. 

There were 20 of them on that endcap. I saw a woman buy three of them at once (and of course she wanted to use a coupon on each and every one of them because ‘gosh- who knew that glue would be so expensive!’ Like… lady- you’re getting this at 20 cents an ounce if you get it without a coupon. It’s not expensive, you’re just a cheapskate.)

By the end of Wednesday, they were all gone. We sold 20 gallons of glue in four hours. People were laying down $60 for glue. I could feel my Great Depression-raised grandpa shaking his head from…. I dunno, probably Purgatory.

Now the entire area knows that we have the glue gallons- the word has spread. But we don’t have them in stock and guess what emotions they have over it! If you guessed ‘anger’ then you’re right! So they do what they’ve always done when they need a literal gallon of glue and there are no gallons of glue to be had: they buy a ton of individual bottles. 

But now knowing that there is an easier way to do this that is yet inaccessible to them fills them with ennui, and as they walk through the store their excitement over their hoard wanes and they put some of it back. 

Now, any person of the retail-worker persuasion will tell you that a customer never puts an item back where they’re supposed to. That would be, frankly, preposterous. So instead, as they lose their grip on their desire for glue, they leave a single bottle where it is most convenient to them- a symbol of their defeat. 

This is a fancy way of saying that I found a bottle of glue in every aisle one night because someone got pissy about not being able to buy it by the gallon and forgot to get a basket. 

THE EPIC SAGA CONTINUES

how the fuck did we get from 12x12 squares of paper the the glue famine

Embrace the absurdity or be doomed by it. 

@jdkaplonski

me: haha oh god this is so bad im making so many unsupported claims and pulling all this analysis out of my ass

my prof in the margins: excellent analysis!

me: 

when i was in high school i used to write my papers thinking wow i’m just bullshitting all of this. then like a week before my senior year ended after all the grades were set, i was talking to my english teacher and told him you know i just bullshitted every paper i wrote. he told me that while i may have thought i was just pulling it all out of my ass, i genuinely knew what i was talking about and made well-supported analyses. i only thought i was bullshitting because it didn’t take much effort and it all seemed obvious to me. if you do well on your essays even though you think you’re just making it up as you go, chances are you’re not pulling it out of your ass. you’re just a genuinely talented analyst, even if the analysis that you’re making comes from a subconscious understanding of the material rather than a conscious effort to study it. give yourself some credit. 

anything you pull out of your ass had to get there somehow

Anything you pull out of your ass had to get there somehow

Cookie in a milk cup.

I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS PICTURE AT ALL

Egg

OH

Milk in a cookie cup

Backwards egg

Are you trying to tell me the centre of an egg is a cookie?

HEY YOU

stop picking at your lip

and you, over there? leave your cuticles alone. 

and don’t touch that weird bump at the back of your scalp, for fuck’s sake

so much as think about biting the inside of your cheeks and I will come to your house and Get you

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY WEIRD SCALP BUMP!!!???

I҉̲̠͕͉͖̟͠ ̦̺͔̯͉̟s͏̣̝̮͖͔e͖̝̘͈̙̺ę̵͕̞͉̩̲ͅ ̹͠a̛̺̟̘͍̱͟ļ̠̖̝͈͖̘̳̺͟͠l̢͍̠̹̥̮͓ ̪̖̤͟à͙̪̞̥̲̘͞͞n̸̢̮͝d̨̢̘̲͝ ̡͍̗͝k̰n̡̺̤̙̺͚͙͞o̲̝w̻̥̘͓̘͖͈̳͝ ̩̥͓͉ͅá̡͖̫̘̲͚̗l̠̦͟l̶̸̡̩̹̘.̪̳̪̯

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

this is like when a scene cuts away just before the murderer plunges his knife into his victim

op why did you respond every reaction to yourself

monarchism

when ur hatereading someone’s blog and you come across something pretty fucked up but you cant say anything about it because then everyone will know that you’ve been hatereading and you have to uphold your good neighborly reputation 

id like to inform you that everyone now knows you’ve been hatereading despite your best efforts