Shezz (Scorp/Shezz/Sheri)

Title: Grief

Summary: When the jar tips and pours out the emotions you placed inside, Rick is there to comfort you.

Rating: All Audiences

Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, friendship, found family, bit of a character study, set during Rick’s time after his kidnapping

————————————————————

Whenever you saw Rick Grimes your heart bled anew.

Not because you were in love with him and there was no chance of him loving you back because he had a woman and child waiting for him, but because he reminded you of your brother, Derek.

It wasn’t their being of equal height or possessing the same lean body and sleek muscles.

Nor was it the mop of dark curls threaded with silver that crowned Rick’s head or the beard he’d forget to trim until you’d start calling him Grisly Grimes.

It wasn’t even the roll of his shoulders as he swung a shovel or axe, his slow, easy gait as he crossed the compound or the way he sat a horse.

Sure, Rick wore his gun-belt low on his hips like Derek did, favored plain white t-shirts or simple cotton button-downs, and preferred cowboy boots over sneakers or work boots.

Yes, he could be a muleheaded jackass, had a helluva temper when riled, and lacked the sense to duck a punch.

He was also kind, considerate, and compassionate.

Loyal to those who earned his trust and respect.

Rick was a born leader. People listened to him when he spoke. Followed him without question.

Asked his advice on matters. Worked alongside him because he wanted the same thing they did: a future.

All things they used to do before your sister-in-law, Charity took sick and died.

Leaving your brother to raise your niece and nephew.

Another thing he and Rick had in common.

Something you discovered while he recovered from the injuries he sustained after blowing up a bridge to stop a horde from reaching the community he had been leader of.

Like Derek, Rick had been an officer before the shit hit the fan.

Married young, had a son he lost in a tragic turn of events.

His wife died giving birth to a little girl he chose to raise as his own.

Rick got shot in the line of duty and ended up in a coma before the virus spread through the country like wildfire. He miraculously survived his injury despite the hospital collapsing before he could be medi-vac’d to the medical facility established in Washington. He went on to become the leader of a group of survivors he referred to as his family.

A family he swore he’d get back too.

They suffered an endless array of nightmares together, relying on each other to get through some dark and desperate times, and working together in order to create a future worth living.

Same as you and the people in your community.

During a severe thunderstorm he confessed his sins, admitted his failures as a father, husband, brother, and friend.

Told you he killed a whole lotta people in a war he should’ve never started.

Said he deserved to rot in hell for all the suffering he caused.

Your heart, broken still from Derek’s death, shattered further at the myriad of emotions — anger, guilt, sorrow, and loneliness most prevalent among them — carved into his face, and burning in the depths of his eyes.

Eyes the same rich shade of blue as Derek’s.

Crinkles appeared at the corners of those eyes as he smiled at something your ten-your-old niece, Faith said to him.

She was the only one who could coax a smile or laugh out of him.

Same as she could her father.

Well, you amended as Faith ran off towards her friends, before Derek took to marinating himself in the shit that passes for whiskey in this place.

That was where your brother and Rick differed.

Rick exorcised his demons by working himself pass the point of exhaustion every night.

Derek chose booze, pills, and to sleep with every woman in the camp.

Married or not didn’t matter to your brother.

Neither did Faith and Ryan.

No matter how much you begged, he refused to seek treatment for his alcoholism. Even threats to take Faith and Ryan and go to one of the other compounds fell on deaf ears.

Nothing and nobody could stop Derek.

Her brother was a massive, unmanned train on a collision course with another train.

One loaded with a ton of explosives.

Twenty innocent men died because I couldn’t figure out how to derail Derek.

Husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons.

Who hadn’t known your brother was so drunk he couldn’t see straight.

You don’t realize you’ve started crying until you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder and hear a soft, “Hey.”

You can’t bring yourself to look into Rick’s eyes.

“Thinking ‘bout your brother?”

You manage a nod.

All you can offer since the lump in your throat prevented you from doing much else.

“The hurt won’t ever go away but I promise it’ll get more bearable in time.”

You appreciated his stone cold truth over the carefully worded commiserations of the others.

You could deal with honesty.

Half-truths only made the hurt worse.

This world was cold, cruel.

All of them had suffered.

None in your mind more than Rick.

Losing a friend, sibling, parent or spouse was terrible enough.

To lose a child?

Well, that was simply unimaginable.

His son’s death would haunt Rick for the rest of his life.

For him, it was his greatest failure.

The ultimate sin.

Yours was your inability to stop your brother before he got himself and others killed.

A choked sob escaped you as the jar you stored your emotions in after Derek’s death tipped over and everything inside poured out.

Your knees buckled.

You’d have sunk to the ground if not for Rick catching hold of you before you made a real spectacle of yourself.

Not that you cared.

Grief dug raw wounds in your stomach, tore fresh holes in your soul, and shredded what little remained of your heart.

The hurt was so deep you thought you’d drown.

Not that you would.

You wouldn’t descend into the abyss like your brother did.

Faith and Ryan needed you.

You’d go on living beneath this shroud as the rain poured down, down, down.

For now, though, you’d let yourself weep.

Your head tipped forward, forehead resting against Rick’s chest as you let your tears flow free. Rick’s chest vibrated as he mumbled something. He shifted, settled you more comfortably against him, and rubbed your back in slow, soothing circles.

As Derek had done before his heart had gone hard, hard, hard.

“So-sorry for cryin’ on your shoulder,” you managed once the choking sobs stopped.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it.” Rick produced a rag from his pocket that he handed to you. “It’s clean.”

You take it with a soft, “Thanks.”

He stayed as you wiped the tears away, not saying anything, but letting you know he was there if you needed him.

As you stood together under the dark clouds that gathered during your breakdown, you realized you might not be in love with Rick Grimes but you did love him.

As a brother.

One you decided to help get back to his family.

No matter what.