Am I good enough to be here anymore

Maybe self hatred is right cause I cant remember anything before

I've starved the words out of me

Grown raw, my desire sucked free,

I'm so hungry for love for life but I don't have the energy to live

How do I give the sentences in a poem meaning when I don't have any left

Did I ever matter?

Fading, forgotten, maybe nothing is okay

Why didn't I try harder to go away

Don't let anyone get hurt

Place a wall

The boundaries keep me hidden

Such a shell

So hollow leave me on the shore and I'll drift in the water, drown in the ocean,

It doesn't matter if you see me again

I don't remember who I am

I'm not a person I'm a question of when

When will I choose to finally let it all end?

Coffee numbs the sensation

So you wonder if you should forgive the dead

They don't forgive you for ignoring them

You didn't reach out till the drugs kicked in

Now their gone

You're trying to be clean

The brain travelss to thoughts

Am I any fun when I'm not drunk

Am I now not Social when I don't smoke

Or am I just a total joke

Is sobriety not enough?

Maybe I'm just the right amount of tough

Should I stop trying to be authentically me?

When I'm high it's almost likely that for a moment the lost are there again, and I'm not waiting for the end.

I defined myself as anxious melancholic angry

When the meds they perscribed took It away

How could I say I had every had depression

How could I say

That I was me

I was losing my identity

So I Wanted to use, cause it felt normal to self abuse, the cycle of up blue split me into

But now I look at both sides of myself & say

"I don't recognize either of you"

1-10-19

He liked to set fires

So it's no wonder he lit the match inside my body

forced me to burn alive

So he could keep his cold unbeating chest warm,

He didn't care about the homes he destroyed,

he just wanted to watch everything go up in flames

Every time he turned on the stove, I watched his eyes dance like tinder,

his fingers melted my skin, like wax, my words became a puddle of oil,

He turned my "no" to anything to just keep me from the 3rd degree,

Anything to turn my not-yes in to “well, maybe,”

To keep me from giving him

The cold shoulder. It doesn’t take long

Before these lungs begin to

Smoulder

I feel numb, as the Sparks still hit the rocks with a gentle hum

I am filled with the memory of his smoke

How my ears miss the sounds i made when i choked,

I've began to romanticize his arsen like tendencies, no longer something to fantasize, there were no remedies

I think I craved being the charcoal, his fuel, I was his tool

Now there is ice in the spots he used to be and I still can't get my voice out my throat

I remember how

In his presence it didn't even feel like 5 degrees needed a coat

There are icecles hanging on my spine, the smog he left will always be apart of this body i call mine

I don't think I miss the burning, I just think i miss the warmth of someone who never loved me.

©N. J. Saroff

Am i single? are we dating?

Or do you still love the drugs more than me? Will we be able to go back to normal things? Like talks of wedding rings, am I stuck here waiting for the phone to ring? Will you keep living or will you i wake up to you being gone? Babe i hate to make you choose, what are you gonna do? New year new you? No. I just wanted you to give life a chance but that's too much ask. This hurts you don't know how much it hurts that i can't save you from yourself. Can I help you? I just wanna know if we can hold hands in bed again? Dance at sun rise, look into each other eyes, please be alright, are you gonna love me or love the wine, I guess cocaine is the pretty, kind, silent lover, but does it sing in the rain with you when your anxiety only lets ya stutter? Youre so high these days, come back down to me, I miss you, wish I could kiss you. I never wanted to be your reason to go on, I know you never wanted to live this long. I was wrong to push you to get better, now I find the words to write anymore love letters. Quiet addiction, funeral depiction, Everytime the blood seeps out of your arm cause your trapped in that cycle of self harm, as you are dying I am crying because I can not stop the subtance abuse, you'll find a way to use, when your craving goes on the loose. And I'm sorry I selfishly love you for I see what you are not what you will become, because even when you fall undone, even when you can't stop this urge to purge out the feeling and embrace that void, even when you ask "why stay when you know I'll fail" I still see us sailing away, maybe were drowning, my heart is pounding, you're the only one I am not willing to leave in order to safely get to shore, I love you each day more and I wish it was enough but recovery can be too much, you relaspe, take a step back, and you cry, and I cry, but you still try, even though you want to die, and I'm sorry I love you, sorry i can't hug you, I shouldn't make you decide between the drug and I, I don't want you to die though, you don't want to live so, I regret standing here being an ear, the only one who can end this is not the person sleeping beside you, my love it is you and only you but you're already too far gone.

I wish my mind mesmerized recipes over bed sheets, birthdays over hand prints,

Book quotes over those lies

I want to remember appointment times, instead of the anger lines that creased against his face

Recall the flavor of hot cocoa not the way his lips taste against my skin

Can I remember song lyrics instead of the bed we slept in

I don't want to replay the way he stole my breathe away

How his sigh ate my cries for help

I feel so frantic in the places we used to go, a simple trigger and once again my tongue can't form a single word but no.

Sometimes I find myself picking at this wound on my brain maybe if I drive myself insane I'll forget him.

Be able to hold on to the memories of my lover Kiss, or old photographs, or the morning mist

I want to remember the good parts of my life

Not the metaphorical way he dug in his knife

Sometimes I find myself waking up in his room even when I am so away from that house of doom

And I just want to cry, cry about the nights, rid every nerve of the guilt from all the fights

But I have carefully tucked his touch into every crevice of my body, made sure i couldnt escape his laugh in my ear, I still drown in his scent, and deep down I think I still care,

I check his Facebook profile once a month to see who's remained friends with him despite the fact they know what he did, every time the number goes up, anger boils in me and i can feel it about to erupt

I can not eject the shards he left me with, they dig into the cuts that reject the process of healing

I am left with gripping onto him the same way he held onto to my limbs

Careful not to leave a see able mark, but visibile anytime love leaked out of my heart.

Sometimes I can still catch a glimpse of your scent on the inside of my nostrils like you're there even after I've gone back home for the night. Sometimes I can still find myself inhaling your breathe from those lips I kissed as I'm standing under the shower head, I still taste your tongue, it's better than any drink I could chug. Sometimes I find myself obsessing and day dreaming of the moments we spend together, Sometimes I feel your hair tangled in my fingers as i lay down in my bed thinking of you. Sometimes, when were together, I wanna ask you 'do you know what you do, the way you cross my mind all the time?' but among those silent moments in your arms, when these thoughts come and i discover how lost I am in your eyes, I feel no need for an answer, because I don't want to question how lucky I am to have a moment with you.

My brain purposely wants me to set myself on fire just so my enemies can reflect the flames in their eyes and smile smoke circles in the air as i burn into ashes, yet neither suspects that the best forests climb higher in the soil after the fire.

Words without witnesses

Love laying liability

Realities rounding rape

There is no proof except what each says

It's all hearsay until something is portrayed

When confrontations come forward in the case maybe then they might see a clear picture maybe then they might prosecute a perpetrating predatorial person the system listens to your side the system listens to their side the system may not recognize the truth you might be told you may have to exaggerate the details make yourself stand out so you won't be thrown out nowadays rape kits are burned and thrown in trash cans like toxic waste facilities like the human body when it is violated is something not in need of respect nowadays they ask why nowadays they ask how do you still interact nowadays they ask why haven't you cut him off now a days there is no simple answer nowadays the gray area fills with water nowadays the words from your mouth become liquid nowadays confessing that you still love the person who has violated and hurt you means now a days you don't matter now a days they take your case and erase it pretend it never existed like because you love someone they aren't allowed to hurt you, you aren't allowed to hate them, the rape becomes harmless.

Lima bean without a heartbeat

On may 20th of 2019 at the age of 21 I had an abortion

On the screen of my ultrasound at the planned Parenthood a lima bean appeared

there was no movement, no heartbeat, just a bean shaped clump of cells

9 weeks in to my first and hopefully only pregnancy

I made a choice I am lucky to have the right to

In the days after

I once thought i heard a second heart beat in the side of my belly I once thought I felt stomach flutters and phantoms kicks from with in only to realize it was just a build up of gas

I wanted to buy a Lima bean plush toy

Part of me wanted to head to a protest the day after my abortion with that limabean plush toy and the sign would read at 9 weeks this is what your precious life looked like

Part of me wanted to take the limabean plush and ask it why I wasn't good enough why my body wasn't right what gave the Lima bean permission to hurt me

Part of me wanted to hold the Lima bean plush hug it to my chest and cry,

we do not think of the parents,

those who sacrifice their lives and bodies for this,

My mom needed an abortion at 22 weeks because the fetus had a genetic disorder that was killing her, if she hadn't had it i do not believe she or my brother would be here

My grandmother had abortion because they could not afford anyone more children they already had 3.

A life saved is not just a life born

We only think of the fetus, the clump of brainless vibrating cells similar to that of a virus or cancer

We do not think of how hard the choice is how inaccessible the choice is how painful the choice is how judging that choice is

How while some will feel relief or joy some will mourn and cry and miss a thing they knew was not destined for a cruel world

But I'm so glad this little Lima bean doesn't get to know a world that doesn't care for them and didn't care about me the moment they found themself inside of me

Lima bean doesn't get to know that the heart beat i have mattered so much less than the heart beat that didn't vibrate in them

Lima bean doesn't know that 9 weeks of their existence mattered more than 21 years of mine in this country

Lima bean doesn't get to know how I've cried and laughed and smiled and felt so relieved and terrified that it was over

Lima bean didn't even have a brain to know or to feel anything I felt and yet the little clump of cells housed in my uterus meant more to the world and complete strangers than I ever will and if some how the clump of cells had had a heart if somehow I had the health and strength to carry limabean if somehow I had had the money if somehow I had wanted Lima bean maybe they'd be here, and when they'd have the chance to be there if i could hold them in my arms after giving birth no one but me would care about them or want them probirthers shut up once the first breathe is inhaled

I still don't want kids but that seems to be the purpose Alabama, Georgia and Ohio see for me and when i am unable to fulfill it i do not matter and when Lima bean would have entered the world they no longer matter. Prolifers only fight for the brainless heartless clump of cells shaped like a Lima bean not the mothers who almost dies carrying or in childbirth not the people with high risk symptoms or tubal pregnancies not the trans men who do not wish to be seen as less than a man

for choosing to carry a life what mattered to them as I entered planned Parenthood on may 20th 2019 was Lima bean and their clump of cells body that didn't even have a heartbeat.

I wish savored your lips

I wish I gave you one more kiss

I should have memorized your skin against mine

I should have asked you for more time

I wonder if in a few months you'll forget me

And I'll be a distant memory

I want know if you really meant that you wanted us to be just friends or if in a few years it all come crashing to an end

We'll go our separate ways

Lie to eachother about how everything's okay

Do you think we'll miss the other

Or will we force ourselves to move on with another

Cause I don't want to try this anymore,

This searching only to end up at closed doors

your voice is in my head

As I imagine lying in your bed

Us saying those 3 Words

But now I want to leave them gone and unheard

I can't erase your face

I miss the way that you taste

This just doesn't feel fair

Why am I stubborn? why do i care?

If I pretend it isn't real

Maybe it will fix itself and we'll quietly heal

But it's happened its in the past

Like summer it's not going to last

Fall will arrive with it's dying leaves

We'll grow again find new pet pieces

I'm just waiting for the funeral

When the body won't feel so dull

When I look into the coffin and see our love

And how in an instant it finally came undone

A hushed knowledge

I need music now to help me sleep, I can't close my eyes and drift into my dreams with out your breathe against my cheek, my hand feels so empty with out your hand to hold, I hate lying in this bed alone, I'm still silently craving your touch in the dark because I love you so much. It never needed to be sexual just knowing you were there, that someone cared, the silence is too quiet, you were the only one to fill it, now I just have to sit in it, spreading down track not wanting to look back, why didn't we install brakes for heaven's sake we should have installed some fucking breaks, because i miss you, even after everything we've been through i like to pretend I'm still entangled, that my heart doesn't need to be rangled back into love, I'm constantly reminded, and binded to the pieces you left behind, and I still haven't find a sign to move on, I never saw anything wrong. I hide in the soundless space, imagining your face softly leaning in, but I think now i know we'll never begin again.

Escapism by N. J. Saroff

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

Going to a party to leave the night

Drinking beer to forget the sensation

Falling asleep at 2pm to miss the day

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

Not eating or drinking more than tea to avoid the weight

Big smiles so there's never any tears

Walking the streets so you don't see home

Pretending, laughing, screaming over the edge

Hiding in the words,

Sentences don't fall out of your mouth

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

Drain everything with music so you don't hear the world

Lie about how you are so the questions will stop

Miss calls from friends to keep them at a distance

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

Escape how do you escape a life you don't want to live but are to cowardly to take your life

Scroll through the news feed you miss your stop on the bus

Stay out staying up, so when exhaustion hits you'll say tired

Sleeping with strangers who will don't care for you to move on from who you were

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

You've thought about staying, thought about caring, thought about trying, telling the truth

But oh this hurts, it's all too much, how do you get out of here, how do you end this?

Running always running can't stop running

Must leave, must go must stop, must continue

Everything is done to escape

Even the words on the page written in a notebook no one will ever read

Going

Walking

Running

Pretending

But still not gone

Can't escape it, but you'll damn well put on the old cheap sun glasses and scream

"I'm okay."

Missed existence

Looking down on the expierence

Never apart of it

A missed existence

Always having this distance

For a moment your there

Real and then aware

Is this how life's gonna be?

But it goes and its gone

There's no way to hold on

Maybe you weren't supposed to live this long

Missed existence

So far away

Another displaced day

Meaning is Useless

Feelings are worthless

You're not able to heal

So why let yourself feel

Keep reaching out

Trying to explore what it's all about

But you go higher and higher

Like smoke above the fire

Missed existence

The loneliness is painful

Livings so wasteful

Please don't let go

This is all you know

Reality keeps slipping

Memories of your T-shirt ripping

Do you remember the night?

No it wasn't alright

But silence was easier than lying

Saying the truth just started the crying

Missed existence

No boundaries with friends

So the relationship eventually ends

No one gets close enough

So scared of love

Sensation bring back the anxiety

So you walk with no variety

Keeping the smile

Hiding for miles

Cry for help

Because you finally felt

No one's there to listen

You're existence was missing

Keep away by nj

Why should I have to sit in the back of the theatre

Why should I be told to keep my distance

Why should I hide

Why should I stay silent

Why should I keep my piece

Why should I be courteous

He's the rapist

He's the monster

I'm so fucking sick of having to walk on eggshells

Of keep quiet about what happened

I shouldnt even have to go to his show

He should have never come to mine

It isn't fair

It isn't fair

And no one but me cares

I can't believe you stayed,

What you said crosses my mind

A hundred and one times, over and over

Something here made me realize not everyone will walk away

I always built myself in such a way

That I blocked out any connections

A different side they'd all see of me

No one knew every inch of what lied beneath

Most got stuck outside the gate

Not even seeing a piece

I don't know how you got in

How you came through every barrier I placed

In short moments you found my heart and didn't lose your footing there

I'm glad you're here

You took my hands in a moment

Of fear, of anxiety, of unknown inability to settle

Said "I'm glad I met you,

I'm glad I took this chance,

I don't know why we met

But

I believe in fate

And maybe we met for friendship,

And maybe we met for these times we needed each other

Maybe we met for love

Or maybe we met for this conversation now"

You said "I love you"

I could hear the words and they were real

They made sense,

they weren't provoked

or

cleverly spun together

To get me in a vulnerable state

So I wouldn't see the clouds of the storm rolling in

Once my shelter was gone,

I don't believe someone ever said it the way you did

We cried and cried

It wasn't good bye

I wanted it all to come tumbling down

Maybe you'd see all of me

The walls didn't fall though

As you held me you said

"Maybe the wall is a platform,

Maybe this is so you grow,

and

Those who support you will climb and stand next to,"

Your eyes stared back at mine

Tears still soaked our cheeks

Somehow we both smiled and the pain of why we met, now ending, didn't matter

Emptiness I thought was present because I thought they all would walk away

Now filled with relief that people actaully wanted to stay

You told me "I didn't need to share every detail of life"

You told me "it's okay to be hidden,

You can love everyone but not everyone gets access in,

Not everyone deserves a key or an opening

You matter and you've got to protect yourself

You have ability to say what goes and what does not"

I couldn't joke in that moment

You saw past the carefully placed words about killing myself and suicide to get others to laugh

You knew what I was trying to make known

"I get the dark humor, I do it too, I see laughter in every moment it's important"

"Those jokes are worrisome" you said,

I never saw it like that

Always people said don't make those jokes because they didn't like them

"but you're needed, you're important,

I don't know what I'd do without you,

I know there a means to cope,

but

I hear that cry for help

and

I don't wanna lose you because no one else sees the signs"

The afternoon before this

Second to last it was

I asked you out on sunday

You turned me down that same day

I'm thankful you did

It wasn't that you were scared to hurt me

The way I'm scared of hurting you

I can see you love her

She's beautiful

And things are complicated

You're still trying to work things through

Figure it out with her

I said I'd still be here if things don't work out

I've waited before,

In my gut I knew though I wasn't for you

Still I wanted to ask

At least have a chance maybe

What we have is different

Not the love you look for in a partner

Maybe were just like the story we told on stage

Never close enough in the right way

At lease we both got to live

The memories didn't float away.

Aestically suicidal by Nj saroff

Even in the joy,

Even in laughter,

Even in the anger,

Even in fear,

Even in the anxiety,

Even in pain,

It's there,

The want, the desire, the need

Just let me die,

No tears, no one cry,

let the world forget me

I think about not living more than I think about going on

It's apart of everything i do or say

No feeling is a hundred percent real with out the tHought

It creeps

I long for it

The knife touching my skin

The bottle to my lips

The gun to my head

The noose around my neck

The pills in my hand

The railing slipping away from my feet

You don't here it in my head the way I do

Death is my style

Dying is my obsession

Absorb and consume every ounce of emotions

Let me commit suicide.