yikes.

• Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez victim of magic as Peru fans curse him with tortoise
• Are there good white soccer players?
• Asamoah Gyan holding press conference to deny he used rapper as human sacrifice
• Shaqiri: “One time I was injured at Inter and Mancini sent me to a miraculous healer in the mountains. Didn’t help me at all. At Stoke we’ve got seven physios.”
• Hernanes on celebrating after scoring against his old club- “It was the saddest backflip of my career”
• Zlatan apologizes for calling France a shit country
• “Balotelli is very nice, but he used to pee on our boots” - Kerlon
• Buddhist monks behind Leicester City incredible start, claims Vardy
• Lasagna scores an injury time goal that will be hard to digest for Inter fans (Inter-Carpi 1-1)
• Benitez sacking not announced yet because the area for press conference is occupied for a kids party
• Michail Antonio is no Homer Simpson, says West Ham boss Slaven Bilic
• Daniel Sturridge admits to spraying fragrance on kit before games and enjoying smelling of strawberries
• Slaven Bilic on Big Sam: “The players will respect him. He’s a big man. He’s Big Sam. You see him on the television, he fills the screen. You are looking for the board with the sponsors names behind. Where have they gone? You can’t see them.”
• Tokelo Rantie dropped from South Africa national team for farting at the coach: “The flatulence was so suffocating that the putrid stench continues to hover over the team like a dark cloud.”
• Harry Redknapp says he wants to sign Benoit Assou-Ekotto for Birmingham City, but the player wishes to be a pornstar.
• Leroy Fer on accidentally buying a €30,000 horse: “Sh*t I’ve got a horse”
• Porto claim they’ve access to emails which confirm Benfica spent €70k on witchcraft last season to help them win the Liga
• Mike Ashley: “I am not Obi Wan Kenobi in charge of the Death Star”
• Dick Advocaat (Dutch national team coach) last week: “Sweden won’t win 8-0 against Luxembourg”. At the moment, Sweden is leading 8-0 against Luxembourg
• New Bayern coach Heynckes at press conference: “My daughter and my wife advised me on my decision. Then my dog Cando barked twice and the deal was sealed.”
• Carles Puyol slapped by dildo wielding fan in Russia after World Cup draw
• Moise Kean’s father claim Juve owe him farming equipment in exchange for a contract with his son
• Franck Ribéry tells a fan to “go and eat his grandma’s ass”
• Saudi Player faces jail time for dabbing
• Sean Dyche: “I don’t eat worms and I never have.”

Scoring late goals is becoming a habit now? Pedro’s goal finally breaks down Bournemouth in the 71st minute and Hazard seals it in the 85th to maintain Chelsea and Sarri’s perfect start. 4/4.

After a pretty boring ¾ of the game in which Chelsea had >81% possession but couldn’t break down Newcastle, the game livened up after a 76 minute penalty in which Hazard scored. Newcastle equalised (a goal that shouldn’t have stood as Giroud was fouled in the lead up), then we deservedly won the game in the 87th minute. Not sure if Newcastle were playing rugby or football. Scrappy but job done, 81%-19% is pretty insane.