Personal thoughts of a 40-something.

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago and then changed my mind on publishing because of maybe the potential legal ramifications of having it in writing. But if you read it, you know. I’ve been to counseling once, and I like the counselor. EMDR is started, and hopefully helps. I’ll see her again this coming week. 

My emotions are up and down depending on the day. Tuesday I was a teary-eyed mess. Yesterday? OK. I found that my overall tolerance for hearing about trauma is very, very low, which surprised me. I almost lost it a couple of nights ago when I started listening to an audiobook and in the first chapter, the author described being the victim in a very similar situation in grotesque detail. I had to immediately call my boyfriend and ask him to talk to me about mundane things so I didn’t dwell on what I just heard.

My future is very uncertain. Everything might turn out OK, or the worst could happen. I never thought that my life would turn out like this.

There have been so many times this week when I realized that what I really wanted was to call my dad and talk with him about it all. Those days of casual conversations are gone. I am grieving him while he is still alive, and it is surreal.

I am not a drinker normally, but there’s been a couple of nights this week where I turned to alcohol to de-stress and it really scared me. I never thought that I would be someone who could potentially abuse alcohol, but I caught a glimpse of that tonight. I don’t need that in my life for so many reasons. 

But y’all…If I did not have my boyfriend in my life, I’m not sure where I would be today. Because 100,000%, I would have spiraled into deep depression that first night. It was only because of  his presence and attentiveness that I stayed in the moment and didn’t spiral.

I wonder, though, if there might be a time where this is all too much for him. I wonder if all of this scares him so much that he might want to run at some point? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Enough of my ramblings for now. I hope you are life is going better than mine, and I hope you have an incredible weekend. Thanks for hanging in there with me! 

Y’all… I am playing the use-what-you’ve-got-in-your-house-already-you-food-hoarder game. I like a hot breakfast. Preferably with bread of some kind, eggs, meat, and cheese. But I came back from New York last week and had no bread in my freezer. But do you know what I did have? Puff pastry dough.Let me tell you about my friggen amazing breakfast this week! 

Melt a pat of butter in a small fry pan. Add chopped onions and dehydrated garlic. After the onions have warmed up, add in some bacon bits, or beef summer sausage. While that’s all cooking, break off a 3rd of a sheet of frozen puff pastry dough. Thaw in the microwave at the lowest power, 30 seconds at a time. In my freezer that’s usually a total of a minute and a half. Cut the dough strip in half and lightly stretch to enlarge. Be careful not to rip. Then spread half of a laughing cow cheese wedge on each half. I prefer the garlic and herb variety. Then add a teaspoon of Chick-fil-A sauce and half an ounce of sliced cheddar cheese. Once your onions and meat have begun to caramelize, mix in 2 lightly beaten eggs and cook until mostly firm. (Save a tablespoon of raw egg to seal pastry packet.) Once eggs are done, divide in half and add to your puff pastry. Fold one corner across the eggs, then egg wash it and fold the opposite corner across. Add another swipe of egg wash. Top with shredded cheese of your choice. Bake in the oven for 15 minutes at 400°F. Then let rest at least 10 minutes.

I have no photos, because I suck. But trust me, this is freaking amazing. 

TLDR: breakfast this week is heavenly. Here’s my inspo recipe: https://www.gittaskitchen.com/simple-scrambled-eggs-and-puff-pastry-bundles-recipe/

Checked my estimated tax liability yesterday, and thanks to working a part-time job last year, it looks like I’ll owe about $800. Ugh.

This was a happy surprise this morning from K. He’s too good to me, y’all. 🥹

I spent the majority of the weekend with K. ::swoon::

I don’t want to go back to real life tomorrow, but I’m not independently wealthy so... My birthday is Wednesday, and I don’t have any plans. I wanted to ask K to take me to dinner, but we’re celebrating with family on Saturday, and we spent so much money this weekend. Plus, at some point we’ll take a day trip to Chattanooga. I know we’d have dinner at one of our homes if we lived closer, but on a weeknight we’re an hour-fifteen away with traffic. So I’ll likely spend my birthday without seeing anyone at all, since I am WFH this week. Adulting sucks. 😬

Did something that felt brave today and gave K a link to the photo album of engagement rings I’ve seen on line and liked. We’re getting closer! 🥰

Y’all… I just spent $20 on pens at Staples. But I’ve been sitting on this box for 12+ years. Tested them all and they still work. Can we ditch computers and go back to hand-writing things? Might be the only way to use them all! 😬

All the packages have finally made it, woot woot!

Y’all, I am tired. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have K by my side. I’m glad I’ve found my person. 🫠

My Amazon package came after some drama. Amazon sent me an update this morning that my package was delayed and they didn’t know when it would get to me, and then by this afternoon they said it would be delivered today! My driver missed out on his $10 tip. He didn’t even open the plastic bins I put out. But to be fair, the box was bigger than either bin. And the good news is that I got home 10 minutes after it was delivered. 

The package was mostly work stuff, but I also got some fun stuff. One of the items is a new lip stain. I don’t have high hopes that it will actually stain, so if you know of a good lip stain that will not come off, send me your recs! This one is very neutral. Not bad, but I was hoping to go a little darker.

I also got some assorted cookie cutters. K gave me a box of candy hearts last year and I never open them. Instead I put his little valentine in the cupboard where I keep my glassware, so that way every time I open it I will remember him with love. So for Valentine’s Day this year, I bought markers that write in edible white ink, and I will use the heart cookie cutters I got today to cut out pieces of pepperoni and write sayings on them.

I’m waiting on one last package to be delivered tonight. It’s got a set of new journals that I am excited to start using. Crossing my fingers that they make their way here tonight. But after this week, I am not holding out a lot of hope. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Amazon deliveries are totally out of whack because of last week’s weather. Last week I ordered a bunch of stuff for our work training event this week, which was all supposed to be delivered Sunday. One of those items, a projector, is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, but we’re expecting a ton of rain. So I set out plastic totes to receive the boxes, (hopefully they fit in the totes!) and wrote notes in chalk paint. (Amazon, please put boxes in here.) Then I left a $10 bill IN the box as a tip. Crossing my fingers this works and I come home to dry packages, and $10 lighter.

I’ll have an update about dad maybe tomorrow. Short story is there isn’t much change.more details soon.

Have you ever thought about how much of YouTube is just a research paper presented with still images and bad voiceovers?

Left my house today to run to Sam’s and Best Buy for work stuff for next Monday. As I live on a main road that connects to an interstate, travel was easy. Main road was wet with a few patches of slush. Interstate was dry, though that didn’t stop dummies from causing a wreck I passed on my way home.

I can’t wait for a warm up. My garage door opener always decides to become spastic during sub-freezing temps. I push the button, it raises up 3.5 feet, then decides to go back down. I interrupt the downward motion and it raises another 11 inches and tries to close again. We play this game until it gives up and finally just opens all the way. I move my car out, then play the game all over again in reverse. 🙄

Tomorrow at 8 I get my molar crowned. Just in time, before the next batch of weather shows itself.

2:44 am, -3°F and the power has gone out. The power company website says it’s been out for 6 minutes and it’s already dropped 3 degrees. I do not know where the water shutoff is for this place. Really hope I don’t need to know. 🥶

I’m struggling right now with my lack of relationship with my mom. (See this post for relevant details.) The thing is that my mom left NY a few days before Christmas, and she’s never called me since. I sent her a text on Christmas day and that was the last communication I’ve had with her.

She’s never been the person to call me in our relationship. And I’m not terribly worried about her well-being because she lives with my sister, bro-in-law, and 2 nieces. But it absolutely SUCKS that my mother hasn’t once bothered to check on me to see how I’m handling my father’s stroke, or handling being away from my boyfriend for 3 weeks, or how I’m coping with life.

I told K last night that I sort of want to be immature and see just how long she’d go before reaching out to me. But the problem is that I am probably a lot more emotionally mature than she is. And that would be playing a game she doesn’t have the skills for. It’s not an equal match. And I know that I have a lot to be thankful for when it comes to my relationships with my parents, but it still doesn’t make this situation feel any better.