I was sick the past few days, but finally on the mend. I was having fever dreams about tumblr lol but I can't make sense of them now.

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My sisters are in Japan for the next week. Seeing their snaps and posts makes me think about my own trip six months ago. I can't wait to go back next year; I'm hoping to go around April/May to catch the cherry blossom season. It'll be hectic but hopefully worth it.

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Not everything has to be revelatory; some things can be just what they are and that's okay. like Madame Web. My boyfriend and I laughed and had a blast tearing the movie apart afterwards.

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Speaking of movies - we recently became A-list stub members at AMC. Basically, for 25 dollars a month, you can see as many movies in whatever format you want. If I didn't get sick this past week I would have probably watched DUNE in imax 5 straight days. I am obSEssed with that twink and elvis.

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My old coworker / coworker from my old job was the first person who recommended Dune to me and not once did he talk about the cunty space witches. bene gesserit. lol they are my favorites and I hope they get their own HOUSE OF THE DRAGON-esque spinoff.

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I know I say it every year but am making it a priority to write. See you all again soon.

Something I am learning how to navigate and deal with is what to do when my partner upsets me.

I have a tendency to yell, something he has previously expressed triggers him, and he gets upset and recedes into himself and it makes me want to forget about the fact I was upset and just hold him.

But it's not right for me to disregard my emotions and how he made me feel.

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I had just picked him up and we are in my car. I am so happy to see him. He is my favorite person and I tell him, I want to listen to my favorite song.

He says, that song? The one that goes dun dun dun, dun dundu dun? I don't like it.

I start to play it and he continues to make fun of it.

I'm done listening to it, I say, as it gets to the part that he's specifically making fun of.

He sees that I am upset and he says, no let's listen to it.

We fight over the on/off switch and then I scream: I'm serious, I do not want to listen anymore.

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We are quiet the rest of the way. I can't articulate my feelings because my favorite things - songs movies books - aren't just foreign, stringless, mindless things. I feel it deep; a part of me that I have grown with and nurtured, and for him to recoil at something that I love feels like he is recoiling from me.

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I drop him off. I hate when we leave things left unsaid but I have nothing to say in this moment. I feel rejected, embarrassed for showing him something I loved. I feel disgusting, like I'm in 8th grade opening my lunch and the kids around me asks why it smells like that.

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I am in bed now. My emotions are high and I'm so fucking exhausted from feeling. I love him and want him to feel happy. But I am sad and I don't know how to make things better.

I came out to my parents right after midnight.

I wish I recorded the conversation because I blacked out and it’s coming back to me in pieces.

I did record myself talking about it afterwards, I don’t know if I can trust the recounting of the moment as to not give too much deference and respect to my parents.

I don’t feel hurt. I don’t know if that’s because my mom didn’t say anything hurtful or if I overprepared for the moment and therefore she was incapable of hurting me regardless. 

I told her that I loved her and she said she loved me too at the very end, but I feel far away from any kind of warmth right now.

I feel cold and sad. I want to hug myself on the insides but I can’t reach myself. 

It's been 10 days in Europe and I am at the airport, waiting for my flight home.

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I had a wonderful time. Vivian is a great travel comanion; she's alway down for whatever and is also good about making sensical plans. I've missed her company, her fun, her conversations, but she has grown so much from the girl I met in high school. She's so assured and confident in who she is as a woman. Her growth is the kind of growth I hope to see in myself.

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Wish I could explain things better.

I am in London for the next four days, then I will take the train to Paris, where I will be there for another four days.

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It's been a few years since I traveled internationally, and I've never done crossed an ocean by myself before*.

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Going through the airport was fine -- I didn't have trouble at all and the process seems to be much faster than I remember. I made it to the gate with plenty of time to spare. This was also the first plane I was on where there were two levels.

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Getting on the plane was a breeze but I forgot that the second row is actually the row behind where families w/ babies (if any) are sat lol

The grandpa got mad at me a bit because when I was settling in my seat and choosing my movie, I kept knocking at his seat. He was like, could you stop kicking my chair?

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I like the aisle seat because I get a bit more room to stretch my legs, which is nice, especially on an international, overnight flight.

but also, I think I will just fly business class the next time I fly overnight internationally. I feel like it's worth the extra $$ and plus I think?? I can afford that now.

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The real goal, though, is being able to afford the upper level, which I'm sure is first class with the beds. I'm a decade out from being there though.

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I landed and made it through customs quickly. When I pulled down my mask, the custom officer laughed and said, "you look much older now. i thought you were young. how old?"

That made me laugh too. "I'm 30."

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Homesickness has a smell, I think, because the moment I caught the air outside I was brought back to my first two weeks of undergrad -- all alone in a new place but I'm on vacation so I got over that quickly

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*MyBFF Vivian is flying in tonight to join me, so this is not really a solo international trip.

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I also miss my boyfriend :(

Wow sometimes it really do be urself.

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I turned thirty recently, and it's been front of mind because what do I have to show for it?

I tell myself that's the wrong question to ask. I feel like I'm saying I have nothing to show for it, actually. I spent so much of my twenties practicing gratefulness and being happy about what I have that the question itself just feels like, maybe it was a waste doing that??

I need to recognize the Lack and what it's doing to me, and it is not enough for me anymore to say even if I don't have this at least I have that.

What do I want

Why am I afraid to desire

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I am not good enough for myself. I don't believe in myself. I am not chasing after the career I want, the jobs I'd be happier doing: Line judging tennis matches. Making coffee and experimenting with drinks. Czech hunting. You know!!

Instead I scrub data 40 hours a week and it makes me sad. I am not in love with this and I am also not brave enough to stop.

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Fuck!!!!!

There’s a restructure at work. I’m excited because I will be learning more at work. However, my friends have brought up whether or not I’ll be compensated correctly. I mean. it is 2023. We’re getting paid bitches!!

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Aside from work, it has been a calm first month of 2023. My sisters and I went to Universal Studios in FL this past weekend. There were so many families there and it made me wonder whether or not they are thinking about marriage at all. 

It’s hard for me to broach the subject with them because they get defensive; my oldest sister especially shuts down and even gets kind of mean. I’m not sure why because honestly I’m curious. 

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But I’m sure I’m equally avoidant when they ask me about my future. 

They don’t know much about my boyfriend at all because they don’t ask about my relationship. It makes me sad because I know my boyfriend’s family so well. Sometimes I want to start talking about with him to them, but I hesitate because I’m wondering if the whole relationship topic as a whole is a trigger for them.

=/

being an adult is not easy

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my car broke down today. i didn’t know what to do so i called my dad and he’s like, ‘well it doesn’t sound like i can jump start your car because you drive a hybrid, so i would just call the tow truck and see if they can take it to the dealer. but call the dealer first and if they are not open just tow it home and then tow it to the dealer when they are open.’

my boyfriend was with me and he was like, we need to try and move the car into a parking zone (we were parked at a bus stop) but i was like, no it’s fine the bus doesn’t run this late. we went back and forth but we stopped when i took out some of my annoyance/anger at the situation on him :( i apologized later but i still felt bad and weird that i couldn’t control my emotions. 

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i’m sitting at home now trying to relax. 

i bought the nuphy air 75 recently because i liked how it looked lol and god i love hearing the clack clack clack of the keyboard. 

it’s motivating me to write more.

Happy New Year 2023 everyone!

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This year, I want to write more.

I want to send messages to people I stopped talking to because of the pandemic. I want to check up on my friends and be an active part of their lives too. I want to make plans and follow through on them. 

I want to spend at least half of what I save on experiences. 

And most of all, I want to have my own home.