The Fires are a strange family lmao

first 5 faceless emojis are how your summers gonna go

you can only reblog this today

i am indifferent towards your shoelaces

thanks. i obtained them through entirely legal means wholly unrelated to any country's head of state

protect the children

...do they not know? Do they not understand the ancient texts?

The old ways are not taught to the younger generations, they are left to be forgotten along with the tragedies of the past.

but it only works if 4 people are having sex lol

how many hands you got

two? don’t see how that’s relevant

allow me illustrate you

that’s still four people

i truly can’t make this any clearer

will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children

don’t know what you’re on about. will smith and slightly wider blue will smith have been married for years. they’re a hollywood love story

I can’t believe this post predicted the live action Aladdin genie

If we lose tumblr how will we ever replace these posts in which every reply feels like a punch in the face

Or you might say… a slap…

nobody on this site is ever ever EVER going to top running a blog dedicated entirely to posting cute pics of sweet old dogs in a shelter for a year and gradually becoming one of the most recognized blogs on the website, then without warning dropping “i just want to get dicked down again =/” with 0 explanation and abandoning the blog. not deleting it, not explaining anything, just leaving the whole thing as a monument. fucking flawless posting. literally the best of all time.

This is the only good tiktok

Speaking of how i used to work for CNN does anyone wanna hear about how fucking wild my job interview for that was because it still haunts my dreams sometimes

Alright lets go

Considering that CNN anchors are pretty public eye in the interest of confidentiality im not gonna reveal what desk this was at, who i used to work under, etc. This was a year before corona hit, so I figure it's been long enough that i can tell this

So I was fully applying for a job I wasn't entirely qualified for. I had tons of field journalism and editorial experience, but that was in media journalism. I wasn't expecting to get a call back, so of course I went and presented my best self. I was expecting this interview to happen in like, a private office. I got up to their floor, shook hands with my interviewer, and he deadass just... stood in the hallway with me while writers and tech people were running by and did it there.

I handed him my CV, he looked at it for all of 2 seconds before he said "this is a nice layout," and folded it into his pocket to never look at again. He doesn't bring up my experience, or my references, skills, education, anything. He just starts firing off riddles at me

I swear to god, he doesn't miss a beat. He just goes from complimenting my CV's look and then says "what's the world's largest desert?"

I ask "hot or cold?"

He says "either"

I say "then Antarctica." I have no idea what the fuck is happening, but this might as well happen. My life is already so goddamn weird.

"But there's ice everywhere."

"Doesn't mean the water is accessible."

He nods and says "clever. Not a lot of people get that on the first try."

And the entire interview is just trick questions and riddles of increasing difficulty thrown at me in a hallway. He starts leading me around the office at one point while he keeps playing Riddler to my Batman. He never once looks at my qualifications, I assume he's done that in my online application. But he doesn't question me about my work experience or what i can bring to the table, he just keeps asking me shit about hypothetical games of russian roulette and what I would do in the trolley problem. I am in professional business attire, he is wearing jeans, a graphic shirt, and a manchester united football club snapback.

I answer his riddles, he bids me farewell with a smile and a well-natured clap between my shoulder blades that's hard enough to knock my glasses down to the tip of my nose once i turn around. All I get is a "you're impressive, kid," on my way out. I am confused as all fuck as I step back outside and hail a taxi, and spend the entire drive home in silence wondering what in the fresh hell that was.

I get the job.

I wonder if I met life's main character.

Japanese legend: you have the face of who you loved most in a past life

THE NEXT AVATAR ABOUT TO LOOK FINE AFFFFFF

Oh, so YOU guys can just see a face and be like “I like that face, I’m gonna make it my face” and everyone’s just COOL with that. But when I, Koh the Face Stealer,

Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear

no no it’s what left behind after the milk has been evaporated cuz only the water goes, not the other stuff

THERE’S WATER IN MILK?

WHAT DID YOU THINK THE LIQUID WAS?

IDK ISNT MILK ITS OWN LIQUID?

NO

IT’S MILK-STUFF MIXED WITH WATER

MILK STUFF? DOESNT IT JUST COME FROM THE COW’S TIT?

ITS LIKE TIT JUICE, THERE IS WATER IN JUICE AND THERE IS WATER IN MILK

It’s fat droplets suspended in water, with some nutrients and soforth dissolved in it. You know, like ranch dressing.

Evaporated milk is just dehydrated milk.

Obsessed with the user who assumed milk was its own element on the periodic table

As op I felt like I had to make this

Milk, the forbidden 119th element

the only question left is if it’s a metal, non-metal, or metalloid.

OP seems to have classified it as a special case of halfnium, reclassified as a lanthanide. This has fascinating implications for electron orbital geometry.

Anyway it’s a rare earth metal apparently.

Yes I definitely classified it intentionally and knew exactly what I was doing when I put it with the lanthanides because I am never wrong

MILK IS A RARE EARTH METAL

I thought so, I took one look at your classification and immediately thought “this is definitely someone with a deep understanding of how the periodic table works”

I’m glad that we have reached a consensus on the expected elemental properties of milk

I’d really like to know what @derinthescarletpescatarian’s thoughts are on milk’s electron orbital geometry

That would involve writing a crash course in how suborbitals work on a post about whether water (the primary ingredient in milk) is in milk and even for tumblr that’s going a bit far

no, it is absolutely not going too far

You guys always complain that you don’t get to learn stuff in normal ways and then you come asking for this

MILK IS SEVERAL COMPOUNDS PLEASE YALL ARE KILLING ME OVER HERE

We have a container of dry milk because in addition to a little fat and sugars, it contains proteins, which settle into the pores of nitrocellulose membranes, making sure analytical proteins (specific antibodies) don’t get trapped. We could just use casein (one of the proteins in milk), but milk is much cheaper and can also be found at Walmart.

No milk is a lanthanide keep up

lanthanide?

I think you mean lactanide

I will put lego in all of your shoes

A cube of milk with 3 inches of edge length can blow up the galaxy.

Our galaxy is actually the result of such an explosion, that’s why we call it the Milky Way

this is a unique sort of thread in which you’ll find two types of people exclusively: nerds and dumbasses

Enter OCEAN EYES and NOT DEAD YET, two of the king’s most quarrelsome stablehands.

OCEAN May one explain what powdered milk doth be? Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.

NOT DEAD The water flees to air, the rest is left. The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.

OCEAN Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?

NOT DEAD Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?

OCEAN Is milk not one pure substance in itself?

NOT DEAD No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.

OCEAN Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!

NOT DEAD ‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds. If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.

Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.

DERIN ‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water, As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens. With water gone, the powdered milk remains.

A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.

BURNING BRAND’S NOTE Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d That milk is element of chemistry.

The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.

OCEAN As he who instigated such a fight, I felt that this creation was my duty.

OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.

OCEAN Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.

Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.

JASON FUNDER BERKER And yet the burning question still remains: ‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?

JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.

DERIN A lanthinide! A special case, I see. How fascinating, geometrically.  But let us leave atomic musings be. For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.

OCEAN Of course it is, for I am always right. My choices are, of course, deliberate.

DERIN I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d. It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.

OCEAN Of course; however, in sincerity I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.

DERIN I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension. To teach to thee would take this much too far.

Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.

JESIN Do teach us, it would not take this too far!

DERIN Ye all complain of learning strangely, Then ask me baiting questions such as this!

BOOP BOOP Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death! Milk is formed of small component parts. The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine They seep through pores of membranes in this drink Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out. All this obtained for small amounts of coin.

DERIN No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.

FLIPOCRITE The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.

DERIN May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.

VELVET A cube of milk, three inches on each side Could blow up the entire galaxy.

DERIN Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion. ‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”

LOVELY DREAMS Thus ends our entertainment for the night Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.

Exuent, pursued by a cow.

(Shakespearean adaptation format inspired by @mortimermcmirestinks​ in this post)

Youpeople have no right to be this funny on my dash so early in the morning

I’m going to cry

yeah??

ayo what the FUCK 

why wouldn’t they??

hey guys you’re allowed to call me the stupidest motherfucker on the earth but i unironcially thought vampire meant the same thing as vespa. i straight up believed that shit for the five seconds i took to comprehend this ask. what the fuck

THE FUCKING MOPED???

THE FUCKING MOPED

I’M SORRY YOU WHAT

vampires: exist

op:

VAMPIRES EXIST?!?!?!?!?!?

great job with my post guys. hit the showers

this post is six days old

"Oh you had a plague? Come back to us when you had a World War, brand new unconventional weapons, and a new international order."

I apologize.

insert that YOU chihuahua post where theyre being pinned down i cant for the life of me find it

This one?

Oh, Charles. The hubris. Honey. You had to know this was a possibility. Why would you tempt Apollo like that.

I love how we don't even need Apollo to be captioned, it's just "he's holding a dodgeball and looks Greek statue, of COURSE it's Apollo delivering the gift of prophecy unto unsuspecting tumblr users"

this post is a fuckin train wreck 

Perfectly encapsulates our collective descent into madness since 2020 was forced upon us

this is all tumblr's fault

We're blaming this whole decade on Tumblr user @charlesoberonn

You can only reblog this today.

I missed my chance last year. Not gonna let it happen again

It’s a beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest, and you’re an unstoppable killing machine from the Pleistocene epoch that Death forgot.

my time has come

you just KNOW that if Bella had idk, worn eyeshadow? edward would have been like “oh, i can’t read the WHORE’S mind. that’s weird. anyways” and the book would have ended right there.