Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself. He understood why she needed to leave. Why she couldn’t trust herself to love again, why she couldn't take the risk of getting too close. Her heart had already been shattered by the loss of her whole world once. He understood why she couldn’t put herself through that again, after everything he had already put her through. He had barely gotten off of that mountain, and the life he lived didn’t exactly have a long expectancy.
He understood the walls that she had erected around her heart. She had to. To survive.
Or maybe he would if he could convince himself that he did.
His eyes were glued to Sadie as she secured her saddle bags, buckling in the last of her possessions. She patted Bob’s rump and sighed. She placed her foot in the stirrups and hoisted herself into the saddle, sitting tall and determined. Steeling herself for the coming goodbye.
Arthur stepped forward, directing his attention to Bob instead of her. He patted the horse’s neck and moved to stroke his face, wordlessly pleading with him to keep her safe. He reached into his satchel and pulled out an apple, holding it out in a final gesture of goodwill. Bob took the apple and nickered, throwing his head in appreciation.
Arthur turned to Sadie, forcing himself to face her. He met her eyes and felt his will crumble, felt his own walls disintegrate and his heart swell. He could lie to himself all day, but under her gaze he was stripped bare and exposed.
How she could possibly leave the best thing that had ever happened to him, before it had a chance to even really begin. How she could pick herself up and move on, as if the tension bubbling under the surface would just disappear.
He knew it was a mistake to kiss her that night, to make love to her under the stars. To let himself have what he always denied after Eliza and Isaac.
Wicked men like him could never have something so pure.
He moved to stand at her feet next to the saddle. He couldn’t help himself as he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her thigh. Couldn’t stop the walls around him from turning into dust, vulnerable and raw and feeling so much. He felt her hand rest on his shoulder and it broke him.
Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, no matter how desperately he tried to hold them back. He held her tighter, breathing her in. She rubbed his back gently, comforting him. Grounding him in their own private cocoon. Bob snorted as he grazed, but they didn’t hear it. The whole world could explode in a fiery rage, and they would be none the wiser.
“Arthur…” Sadie whispered, trailing off. She slid her hand up to hold his jaw, brushing her thumb along his bottom lip. They parted without his command, his whole body willing to take whatever she would give. It was like he was made of needles and pins, his nerves electrified.
He felt like a live wire when she leaned in to press her lips against his, sealing his fate with a kiss. He would mourn her forever, he knew. Would love her until he took his last breath.
He wondered if her fate would be the same.
After an eternity that ended entirely too soon, she pulled away. She sat up straight, still holding his face in her hand. He rested his hand on top of hers and held it to his cheek, forcing her to remain. She let out a shaky breath and took her hand away, reaching for the reins.
Reluctantly, he took a step back. He cleared his throat and stood tall, exuding steadiness they both knew was fake. They ignored the damp spot on her jeans from his tears and he looked away, unable to face her cutting stare.
“Be well.” He croaked, his voice betraying him.
She gave him a final nod before looking ahead, spurring Bob with a quick dig and a crack of the reins. He watched as she took off into the desert, dragging the last piece of his battered heart in the dust behind her.
He stood there until she was just a dot on the horizon, a shadow of a life that could have been.
He closed his eyes and breathed. He understood.
He understood why she couldn’t risk this feeling.
