Hi

answered a scam call today and had the most bizarre conversation

scam caller: hello, how are you today?

me: great!

scam caller: good. I’m calling because your IP address has been compromised. I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer so we can get your account fixed up.

me: okay! there is one thing I’m wondering, though

scam caller: what?

me: you really couldn’t think of a better lie?

scam caller:

me: like, my “IP address has been compromised.” How, exactly, does an IP address become “compromised”?

scam caller:

me: I was just wondering, is all

scam caller: why did you answer?

me:

me: what?

scam caller: if you knew this wasn’t a legitimate call, then why did you answer?

me: oh, I just though I would have some fun at your expense.

scam caller: what expense? talking is no expense to me.

me: well, you’re currently not accomplishing your goal

scam caller: my goal?

me: your goal of scamming my elderly grandmother. You’re not accomplishing that. I’d call that an expense.

scam caller: well, can I scam you?

me:

me: did you- did you ask if you can scam me?

scam caller: yes. can I scam you?

me, baffled: sure, you can try

scam caller: you need to get in front of your computer

me: yeah, that’s still a problem. I’m eating tater tots right now and I really don’t feel like getting up.

scam caller: okay. I will call you tomorrow morning, then.

me: I might not answer. My grandma definitely won’t.

scam caller: You answered today.

me: …touché?

scam caller: I will call you tomorrow. Have a good day.

Enemies to lovers, slow burn, 500K

This reads like a bit from a British sketch comedy.

“hand in unlovable hand.”

what the fuck is wrong with this movie

Stu, let me ask you a question: how did you not realize until then that you had too many eggs? Nobody sells eggs in a big cloth-covered basket, so you must have done that yourself. That means you spent god-knows-how-long opening up twelve whole cartons of eggs, carefully placing each egg one-by-one inside a big basket, and then covering it with a big picnic cloth… and at no point- at no point- did you ever stop and think “gee, there might be TOO MANY FUCKING EGGS HERE”

You really have lost control of your life.

I may have gone overboard with this

@koheles

me every day without fail: I'll do [chore] when I get home

me when I get home:

me every single week: I'll do it on the weekend!

me the entire weekend:

this thing looks like you just asked it “how’s it going” and it replied “it’s going”

*lights a cigar with a match and leans back in my plush leather chair, looking out through the blinds at the city. my fuckin city.*

A random old lady walked up to me and asked if I was autistic. I told her I wasn't sure, and she said, "Would you like to be?"

didn’t notice this was from @one-time-i-dreamt and thought this really happened

the payoff of porter being bad the whole time was so satisfying for us but imagine how satisfying it was for emily axford. like girl has been thinking he’s sus from day 1

Invite him to dance. How do I get that scarf off of him? jawbone is ur first thought to seduce him?

All Beardsley speaks to my heart so much. Just when I think I’m done deconstructing they say growing up in the church is like having a faulty alarm system that someone else installed in you and I’m 16 again sobbing in prayer because I wanted to kiss my best friend.

Brennan really said “I’m not fucking making up shit abt rat world. Do the plot.”

SHUT UPPPPPPP

Yknow for not being raised evangelical Brennan kinda really gets it, the Bucky conversation is really getting me, the feeling good meaning temptation is working and therefore good is bad is just so, yeah, yeah,

it's her ex WIFE actually :/