why is “olde vampires in high school” the big thing and not “olde vampires in college”

the girl in pyjamas is the vampire

Also:

two roommates. one is a victorian goth who knows thousands of edwardian poems about death and carries a vintage umbrella and only goes out at night

the other wears sweetpants and is a vampire

I want a story about an Italian vampire.

No romance, no action.

Just 200 pages of “What do you mean, I can’t have garlic? Do you know where I’m from?”

TBH I think the main issue would be the mirror thing

have you ever met an Italian man

the amount of time they spend looking in the mirror jfc

#the more you think about it the more all vampire rules are just anti-italian rules#can’t go out in sunlight?? IN ITALY???#Can’t go near crucifixes? IN ITALY???

a bunch of pissed off vampires stuck in Venice because they can’t go over moving water

Not to victim blame, but you’d have to be a pretty bad Italian to even get turned into a vampire in the first place.

the only two places practically immune to vampires are texas and italy

Let me tell you of A Thing.

Lithuania has no vampires, I guarantee it.

Fun Vampire Fact; the reason that Vampires traditionally cannot see their reflections in a mirror is because mirrors used to be backed with a reflective layer of silver — which, as the metal of purity, would not ‘interact’ with Vampires, who are the Devil’s work.

However, modern mirrors have used aluminum as their reflective backing for many years now — and aluminum is not a ‘picky’ metal at all. So Vampires are able to see their reflections in modern mirrors.

All I can think about is a vampire used to not seeing their reflection in mirrors for centuries, and one day they are just walking along and unknowingly pass a mirror backed with aluminum and THEY NEARLY SHIT THEMSELVES.

Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping and now they’re trying to catch up as best they can so they’re in a library looking through years of old magazines and overhear some middle-schooler discussing her project about the moon-landing and they’re like “WHAT!!!”

“You have to tell me everything about this!!!”

A confused but enthusiastic sixth-grader unfolds her trifold poster board and tells an absolutely captivated 3000 year old man-eater about the space race.

More like “I LITERALLY HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN THROUGH THE RECONSTRUCTION ERA PLEASE TAG SPOILERS”

I’M!!

“Have you gotten to Franz Ferdinand being shot yet?” An Austrian Vampire, angrily looking up from a ninth-grade history book: “are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??”

“yeah you know…lincoln doesnt get reelected” Vampire: “well why NOT he seems perfectly capable and oooh…oh…”

FRICK

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

“So, you know pluto isn’t a planet, right?”

*Vampire chucks astronomy book written in 1994 at the person*

Imagine the vampire asking people who killed JFK and they’re all like ‘no one knows’ and the vampire just sighs and says ‘ok I know I said no spoilers but this is just getting ridiculous. someone tell me.”

imagine a vampire who’s absolutely mad about having missed a very specific moment and not really caring about the big picture searching for the one history nerd who might know when that outrageous lipstick they loved was put out of commerce, what happened to that minor theatre company debut, a forgetten artist’s they loved fate, if their friends ever did marry, what happened to that family lineage/where are the heirs now, /what happened to that one small hungarian village who was basically only some houses and mud where the heck did my village go/

this is my favorite vampire post

I love this on so many levels. Also @yetanotherramblingfangirl you need it.

What she says: I’m fine

What she means: Can vampires enter rented spaces? I don’t own my apartment, so do I have the rights to invite a vampire into my house, or does the landlord? Or does anyone have the power to invite a vampire into any residence? Vampires can enter public spaces without invitation, but what about hotels? What about small businesses where the owners live in back or on the floor above? What public spaces even remain in the hellacape of late capitalism?

You fools. You absolute idiots

a welcome mat only invites a vampire in if the word welcome is facing away from the door

If you face the word welcome towards the door then the implied invitation is removed you dingles

You can have a welcome mat without letting blood thirsty sanguivores into ur fucking place of residence

Common sense, people!

Wrong. Incorrect. Opens your home to potential unwanted supernatural insurgents.

Correct, much safer. Human guests will not care about the discrepancy and it still gives them a place to wipe their feet

“But wait! What if I’m expecting my vampire boyfriend over later, and I won’t be able to open the door”

Leave an invitation under the doormat like a reasonable person u idiot

…..??????????????

A cunning vampire door-to-door salesperson who stands in people’s doorways and talks until they can find a convenient moment to drop their pen and the person picks it up and the vampire says oh “Thank you” and the person says “you’re welcome” and the vampire smiles a big fangy grin and steps inside And that’s this vampire’s modus operandi for decades And then the language starts to change and suddenly millenials have homes and the vampire thanks them and they say “oh, no problem” and the vampire is like ???????????????? this was not the plan

Millineals Are Killing the Vampire Industry

honestly the most unbelievable part of this is where millenials can afford to own homes

the second most unbelievable part of this is millenials answering their front doors for people they didnt know were coming over

vampires getting the urge to be intimate w/ their partners while feeding is so fucking funny to me… like imagine you’re just sitting there eating soup but getting REALLY into it? you just. want to fuck, b/c of the soup. want to fuck the soup

kinkshaming vampires

Otp Prompt

Person A: “For once, just once, I would love to see you come home without any blood on you.”

Person B: “Don’t worry, this isn’t mine.”

honestly, being a vampire who is also a goth kid is the best possible cover

nobody’s gonna think the kid in all black, with an umbrella and sunglasses and a shirt that says ‘bite me’ is ACTUALLY a vampire, they’ll just think you’re a goth kid pretending to be a vampire

“I drink blood to sustain myself and to heal mortal wounds”

“heh yeah sure ya do kyle”

you know i love coffee shop aus and the like but can we just consider:

ridiculous fluff fantasy aus okay don’t hold back go for gold

a movie like my fair lady but where a frat boy is turned into a feminist

omg

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY

Starring Channing Tatum. It’s still a musical and he dances. 

Viola Davis as Henrietta Higgins

She’s his gender studies professor. This was the last GE that he could take; if he doesn’t pass this class he loses his lacrosse scholarship.

after the Big Academic Conference (where he presents his term paper and discusses feminist issues with a bunch of academics and everyone is amazed at him), they argue. he’s become what she wanted him to be but his life is ruined, he can never fully enjoy the things he used to or talk to his friends in the same way. he’s become a feminist but he can never really be a frat boy again.

OMG it totally works…

He ends up as her grad student.

Why do Tumblr and Twitter have better movie ideas than 99% of Hollywood. /rhetorical

lets make a new trope: gay characters who are actually seemingly impossible to kill to the point that all of their enemies are comically frustrated. functionally immortal gay characters. being gay making you immortal. unkillable gay trope.

my favorite underappreciated au idea is “everyone is affected by some sort of love spell and falls in love with person A but person B’s behavior curiously doesn’t change at all”

I want villains who go against the stereotypical bullshit that “evil cannot love” or whatever.

I want villains who spend months in their creepy dark lab building the death ray with their best buddy and hug each other when the superweapon is finally complete.

I want villains who fall madly in love with the other evil prince or princess they married to consolidate their power.

I want villains who tell bedtime stories to the little clone they created to be the successor to their throne and order their minions to get the clone a cup of warm milk because she can’t sleep.

I want villains hanging out with their best friends and acting like dorks while they bowl with their enemies’ skulls.

I want villains who are both evil and real, and real people have friends and families and loved ones.

Do you mean heroes?

No.

How do you get heroes from this!? What hero goes bowling with the skulls of their enemies?

I want villains with families.

I want mad scientists helping their children with their science homework.

I want villains leaving halfway though a battle because it’s their anniversary and they are not going to leave their spouse waiting.

I want villains who don’t work on Wednesdays because that’s the day they visit their mum and take her out for tea.

I want villains who hypnotise teachers to give their children good grades.

This reminds me of a series of recordings I made once as a joke…

Child: Daddy, Mrs Brown was talking about careers in class, and she asked me what you do.

Villain (in a deep, growling voice): I watch the world burn.

Child: Yeah, but I think she meant as a job?

Child: Daddy, Mrs Brown gave me detention again.

Villain: Let me fetch my gasoline.

Child: Um, Daddy, I’m not sure that…

Villain: Fire is the only way.

Villain: Ella, what is wrong? Are you crying?

Child: Josh said I’m ugly.

Villain: Ella, you are more beautiful than the screams of agony of a thousand enemies as I set them aflame.

Minion: Master, the elementary school has breached our security control and broken into our intercom system. They wish to negotiate with you regarding your daughter’s grades.

Villain: Negotiate? There is no negotiation. There is only repentance, or death.

Minion: Very well, master. Also, your daughter requests a bedtime story.

Villain: Tell her I am coming at once.

Minion: Master, why are your cape and robes… pink?

Villain: It is my daughter’s birthday today.

Minion: But what about darkness and evil, master?

Villain: The covenant of darkness is lesser than the covenant of fatherhood, Gerald.

!!!!!

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