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@captionedtiktoks

hi i’m liz and i have no idea what i’m doing ever
send tiktoks as links please
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yekkes

Literally

[video description: A TikTok by @samsched in which he plays a nurse and a patient in a hospital. The video is captioned:

no one:
nurses on tiktok:

The characters' dialogue goes as follows:

nurse: Hi, I'm gonna be your nurse. If what brought you in is embarrassing enough, I'm gonna share it on social media.
patient: I mean, I'd rather you didn't.
nurse: Technically, it isn't a HIPAA violation, so.
patient: But it's almost certainly against your hospital's social media policy.
nurse: Look, it's been a rough year, I need to make fun of my patients- I mean, I need to vent, okay? I'll say it's educational or whatever.
[Pause]
patient: Were you mean in high school?
nurse, smiling: I was, yes. Mhm. I am also in a pyramid scheme.

End description.]

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I am in love with Clara 😭

Transcript:

Clara trusts me enough to show me different parts of her body like her belly. show me her mouth and allow me to touch all of those teeth. —right? can you turn and show them all of your teeth? good job!— So we work really hard on being able to look over their entire bodies, and progress those behaviors to things like voluntary blood draws, ultrasounds, teeth brushing, and radiographing. —right? yeah!— But the biggest thing is we find what they find reenforcing and they show us that. and that includes hugs. —right?— And Clara has shown us that she really seems to enjoy tactile, so I give her this hand signal and she will show me what part of her body she wants rubbed. So, right now she wants a big noogie —right? good.— and sometimes what I will do is I’ll make her head a little pancake. or then I’ll rub her side and then she snuggles right in. —huh? huh! good girl thats very nice, good.— And then like I said, she would climb right on my lap and allow me to continue giving her tactile.

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plumslices

I fucking. love him.

[Video Description: A tiktok of a man replying to a comment by @/heatherblue50, that reads: I love parenting. I hope you consider it at some point in life. It really stretches you to grow as a person. I’m sure I’ll adopt again.

The man says:

I’m absolutely not going to consider parenting for the same reason that you’re talking about. I’m not going to use a child as a way to stretch my ability to grow as a person. What a gross thing to do. What a gross thing to do—what a gross amount of pressure to put on a child. Nope, I am not going to have children because I know that I wouldn’t be a good father, well aware of it. Well aware of it—I barely take care of myself. I’m not patient with myself, how am I gonna be patient with a child? And then when I make mistakes, have the luxury of saying, ‘Well, there’s no way to be a perfect parent, I did the best I could—’I mean you could have done a lot better, you could have not had me. That would of been—*laughs* anyway. I’m not going to consider it, I already considered it and I’ve come to a logical—and the Earth is on fire! But anyway, I’ve come to a logical conclusion to not have children because I’m incapable of doing so ‘cause I don’t have that type of patience. I know that I don’t. And I’m not going to torture a child so that I can learn how to get it.

/End video description]

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[Video Description: a dueted TikTok. The original video shows a person singing part of a song. They sing “It’s me or the ps5, tell me which of us is more your type? Seems like you can’t decide, so if it’s not me, then I’m probably gonna run it over.” The original video is captioned “Open verse challenge !!” The duet shows another person dancing along to the first part of the song. After the first person stops singing, the dueter turns on a lamp and says in a comical voice “It’s me boy I’m the ps5, speaking to you inside your brain. Listen to me boy, leave the girl, we don’t need her! Come with me and play my games! We’ll have cowboy times in space! Doo doo doo doo yeah. You need me boy! Your free will is an illusion!” End Video Description.]

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katy-l-wood

I think he broke a record for the amount of NSFW jokes in this one. 😂

A Valentine’s Cream Pie, from ‘59! Mhm! Now I can’t think of anything better for Valentine’s Day, than a good old fashioned cream pie.

[Holding cherry jar] And this one features the maraschino cherry!

[Holding jar of flour] Pastry!

[Holding dough] Hello!

[Throws flour on counter] Ngyeah!

[Slams dough on counter and begins rolling it] Goodbye!

[Holding glass baking container] For a pie pan, we’re going to want a nine inch! I know I do too!

[Placing pastry in container] If you’ve got one, don’t just force it in. Be gentle.

[Pointing to sides of dough.] Now whether or not to edge is up to you. Some people aren’t that patient.

[Happy noises as he decorates edges of pastry]

[Putting dough in over] Blind bake at 425 for 15 minutes.

[Winces as he checks dough and pulls it out.] This finished a bit early. Happens to the best of us.

[Holding pot] Into the sauce pan goes a cup of sugar! 1/4 cup cornstarch, two egg-ies! Two cups of moojuice!! 1/4 cup of cherry juice? Hopefully it’ll be pink! [Looks regretful of word choice.] Bring this to a boil and stir constantly!

[Lights stove] FIRE!! If your hand gets tired, just keep going. I’m single, so I’m used to it. Once it’s thickened, we remove from heat and add in a half cup of chopped cherries! In you go!

[Putting dish in fridge] To the fridge!

[Holding heavy whipping cream bottle] Next, a cup of cream, whipped! Some people are into that.

[Impersonating blender growling noises.]

[Putting whip cream on pie] Bloop!

[Placing cherries on pie] Now we get to top. And that’s always fun.

[Trying pie, looking quizzical, then pleasantly surprised] Mm! Mm!! I like that... Very sweet... But I like it.

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Customer: *Squilliam voice* On your lunch break, Squiddy? Employee: *Squidward voice* Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! Customer: Still playing the cash register, are we? *Squilliam laugh*

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IM NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING SHUT THE FUCK UP

[transcription:

Have you ever wondered about like cave paintings?  Like, “What were they doing?  These don’t…  look very good,” -chuckles- In fact, almost every cave painting has Spaghetti Lines, which are webs of lines drawn over-top images, which you can see here.

-picture changes to a grayscale image of a deer standing in tall grass-

And here’s an example of natural Spaghetti Lines in nature, but we’ll get to that in a second.

-picture changes to a photo paleolithic drawing of a mammoth.  Alongside the photo is a tracing of the drawing, to clarify the lines-

The second weird thing is like sometimes animals are given extra body parts, like here the mammoth has two trunks.  And here, there’s a drawing of an antelope or a deer, it looks like, that seems to have two heads.

For a long time, people would assume like maybe the Spaghetti Lines were just some kind of paleolithic graffiti, and maybe the animals were these kind of religious creatures that they had mythologized.  But then, in 1993, a German scholar went into this cave in southern France, and it changed everything.

Unlike the other caves he had been to, this one was very poorly funded, so it had no artificial lights, and he had to be guided in by a local farmer, with nothing but a flickering lantern to guide his way.  Here is how he described the experience. 

He said, “M. Lapeyre finished his story and wanted to move on.  I encouraged him to remain and to slowly swing his lantern back and forth a few feet from the cave wall.  As he moved the light, I saw the colors of the tectiform begin to shift.  When the lamp arced to the left, the blacks faded, the browns became red and the red intensified.  When the light moved to the right, the pattern reversed, creating a shifting color scheme. Moreover, the engraved lines under and around the tectiform became animated.  Suddenly, the head of one creature stood out clearly.  It lived for a second, then faded as another appeared.  The spaghetti lines were no longer a confused two-dimensional pattern.  Rather, they became a forest or a bramble patch that concealed and then revealed the animals within. By firelight, a secret of the cave painters was exposed.  In the space of a few moments, I saw cuts and dissolves, change and movement.  Form appeared and disappeared.  Colors shifted and changed.  In short, I was watching a movie.”

Understood this way, the antelope with two heads, under the dance of the firelight, is an antelope going from grazing to checking for predators.  And the mammoth with two or three trunks becomes a mammoth in motion, swinging his trunk.

There’s something beautiful to me about knowing that hundreds of thousands of years ago, ancient humans descended into the depths to watch movies.

/end transcription]

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pantstomatch

Take all my money

[Transcription:

I remember a few months ago, there was some talk about potentially remaking The Princess Bride and everyone was all up in arms about it, "Why would you remake this movie?", "It's the perfect movie", blah blah-blah blah-blah. I actually go another way. I think that The Princess Bride is maybe the most remake-able movie in history. Don't hate me, don't hate me, remember the TARDIS, let me explain. At the end of the day, The Princess Bride is not about Wesley, it's not about Buttercup, it's not about any of the characters, it's not even really about true love. The Princess Bride is a story about storytelling. The main characters of that story are not Fezzik, not Inigo, but the grandfather and the boy. My proposal for a kinda sequel, but really remake of The Princess Bride: We would start with Fred Savage, the boy from the first take of the movie, showing up to work. He then runs into his coworker, played by Queen Latifah, and asks, "Hey, is your granddaughter still sick?" and she says, "Yeah, I'm actually going home early today so I can watch her tonight." Savage's character then smiles, hands her a book and says, "Hey, when you go, read this to her. My grandpa used to read it to me and I loved it." And every other directorial decision you make through the whole movie process is how that little girl imagines the story as being told by her grandmother. It would be awesome and you know it.

/end transcription]

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Apparently this tiktok was deleted hours after I saved it.

[Video ID: A Tiktok that several users have added onto, each making a different joke about gender.

Person 1: They say “No pronouns? Damn… another victim of gender identity theft.” They start cracking up on the last word.

Person 2: They start off smirking while they appear to think about what to say. Then, they look at the camera imitate a spam call voice, saying, “We have been trying to contact you about your gender’s extended warranty.”

Person 3: They come in through a doorway and yell, “It’s my gender identity, and I need it now!” The camera angle shifts to indicate they’re a different person, and they say, “Tired of not having a gender identity? J.G. Wentworth can help. Call J. G. Wentworth; 877-pro-nouns. They’re your pronouns, use them when you need em’!”

Person 4: They imitate the kind of voice you hear on legal ads and say, “Attention: If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Gender, you may be entitled to financial compensation.”

Person 5: Starting off strong and dissolving into fits of laughter as they speak, they say, “-and now a word from our sponsor: Raid Shadow Genders; conquer all of the genders" End ID]

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thetimba

[Video transcript Image Id - split screen between black person with glasses with dreads and a white person with long rainbow dyed hair. Rainbow hair: "Who is going to tell Veggie Tales that their main character is a FRUIT??" Rainbow hair is replaced with a white person with shoulder length brown hair. The black person slowly goes from smiling to confusion to what appears to be an existential crisis. Botanist?: "I hate to break this to you, but. Nothing is a vegetable. Vegetable is just a term that means you can eat it. In botany, nothing is a vegetable. So, like, yeah, tomato is a berry, but. A carrot is just a root. And-and potato's just a tuber. And like, a cucumber just a melon. Melons are fruits in other ways. You're not gonna put a cucumber in your fruit salad though. Not gonna put a tomato in your fruit salad. Broccoli? Broccoli's a fuckin' flower. We're eating a flower when we eat broccoli. All like, lettuce, kale? That's just a leaf. Just a leaf. Nothing's a vegetable. Vegetable's don't exist."

second image is a wide eyed emoji with hands edited in to grasp its head.

end id]

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