Farewell.
Well well, odd to see me writing again, isn't it?
I will admit, it almost feels strange to write a post on this account, considering its dormancy for so long. How long has it even been? A year?
Oh god, does anyone remember me? I'm the person that wrote weird "Figment Darkiplier" posts. Ring any bells? Hehe.
I write this post, as a way to simply ramble out my thoughts and feelings. There is no script, no plot, it's simply me. I apologize if it is nonsensical.
So .... everyone, it has been one hell of a year. I believe that we've all experienced something difficult in 2020, whether it be loss, loneliness, self reflection, or any number of challenges.
From the month of February until August, I was one of the multitudes of millions of people who had to quarantine within our homes. Over that period of time, stuck with myself, I had a very long time to think, and to grow. I realized that many things in my life were not unfolding the way that I wanted them to. That the things I had surrounded myself with did not properly encapsulate who I was, and am, as a person.
When I started this account, I was a lonely highschooler desperate for some sort of creative release. I used the character of Darkiplier as an escape, playing a role of power and charisma. It was intended to be my own personal journal, a place to practice writing, as it was my passion. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate that I would amass a community of this size. Over four thousand of you enjoyed my work enough to stick around, and that was just beyond crazy to me.
I think the rapid climb to "fame", to put it selfishly, was both scary and addictive. Receiving the adoration and compliments from online peers gave me a euphoria I didn't even know I needed. I rode that high for a long time, and I made very many friends from it.
But I also made many mistakes. I will not come before you and tell you that I am a "good" person. I have a selfish personality. I overachieve. I'm an attention hog. I want to excel so badly that sometimes I use the expense of others in order to progress. But I can say with utmost certainty that I poured my heart and soul into this account, into the lore I have created, into the story I have made, into everything that is important to me. I cherish my friends. I accept my losses. I never stop attempting to grow and learn as a human being.
Through that growth, I have come to realize that I surrounded myself with the wrong people. I gave my trust, and my care to individuals who took my patience as weakness. It is unfortunate that many times, those who I thought cared for me, only cared for the "popularity" I might offer them. What I could do for them, and their image, completely overshadowed me as an individual. As time continued, it became more apparent that even my closest friends were beginning to use my world and my story, to fetishize, clique, discriminate, and bully. There was even a period of time where I joined in that "mean girls" behavior. I laughed behind the backs of people I loved. I criticized people cruelly. I became the very person I had been shoving out of my life for years. It disgusted me.
During the quarantine, trapped alone with myself, I realized that I had become a monstrosity, and that I needed to change. I did what I could to persuade others to join in my efforts, but I am only one person. I have since removed all bad influences out of my life. Those influences would happily call me two-faced and manipulative, because I stopped giving them exactly what they wanted: my attention.
Still, I am never free of sin. Just within the last few years, I have been childish, or too eager. I have rubbed my nose in places I shouldn't have. But I would hope it is clear to everyone, that I only ever wanted the best outcome for the people I cared about.
I suppose this has become a ramble, but I wish to share all my feelings, all my last messages, because of this: this will be my last post. There are too many faces on this website, and too many memories, that mean too little to me. I have continued to return to the account, doing simple reposts just to... I'm not sure. Continue being relevant? But it feels hollow now. There is no reason for me to continue holding on things here. The things that I hold dear remain elsewhere, and that is where I will focus my attention.
I met the love of my life, who has offered me nothing but total support, care, compassion, patience, and most importantly, unconditional love during even the most difficult phases of my journey. I am so grateful to them and everything they have done to me. I have achieved what I set out for in college, and have a steady job in a forensics lab. But once I get past my own anxiety and self-doubt, I want to join my partner and co-author books with him, as a true career.
My horizon branches far beyond this tumblr now, as I'm sure is the case for many many many other people. But for some reason, I felt it necessary to just write a goodbye.
So I suppose, what I will finally say is this.
Thank you. Thank you for the fantastic memories. Thank you for the nights I spent scrolling through fanart, nearly in tears because my work had meaning. Thank you for the companionship, with so much interaction and support. Thank you for the laughter, the jokes and the memes. Thank you for the lessons, for reminding me of my values. Thank you for teaching me about self respect, standing up for what I believe in, and never taking shit from anyone.
I will not delete the account, just in case any random post in here sparks joy. But it will be only an archive from now on. I hope that in some way I have had a place in some of your lives, hopefully for the better. Perhaps in the future I will edit this post and add a discord link to the figment manor. We will see.
But, to all of you reading this, thank you for sticking around.
So, for the last time.
