the girls...

Did they ever reveal how Captain America was thawed? Because I’m picturing a bunch of Shield agents with hair dryers and I don’t think that’s quite right.

I don’t think they’d want to microwave him so hair dryer is really the only remaining option. That’s how I’d do it.

badscienceshenanigans

Do you have a sciency way to accomplish this task?

Well, let’s see.  To thaw a 1.5 metric ton colossal squid frozen in a block of ice (the only way the fishermen who trawled the thing in could bring it home before it went bad), scientists put it in a big vat of brine just above 0 Celsius/32F. That allowed the fresh water to melt while still keeping the squid as cold as possible. Essential, since for a giant corpse with tentacles, certain parts are bound to thaw days before others and could become quite rotten before the rest comes out of the ice block if you’re not careful.  HOWEVER Captain America was still alive, which complicates things. On the other hand, even supersoldiers are significantly smaller than this record-setting colossal squid. This helps thaw logistics somewhat. Much like the squid, Captain America would have to be kept at a consistent temperature throughout his body in order to be thawed successfully. If his extremities were to thaw more than a minute or two before his heart and lungs were thawed and reactivated, the tissue wouldn’t have any oxygen and would quickly die. What a shame to bring back Steve Rogers only to have him be the poster boy for gangrene. Brain tissue becoming metabolically active before the cardiovascular system began functioning would be even more disastrous— possible permanent brain damage.  And the GH-325 project was born To keep his temperature as equal as possible across his entire body, something like the squid brine or (more likely) an antifreeze solution would be used. Immerse the Capsicle in brine until the entire unit is within a degree or two of thawing* to begin Phase II. *Note that due to presence of salts, fats, protein, etc, the freezing point of meat is actually 28-29F. Apologies to non-US readers, sadly I only work with American meat and don’t know the freezing point of corpses/beef in Sane Country Units. That being said, Steve Rogers is 100% American meat. Fahrenheit shall be considered the appropriate unit for this project.  At the thawing point, it’s important to consider life support functions. I don’t know how fast human tissue uses up oxygen at refrigerator-range temperatures, but I’m going to assume that the sooner you have oxygen circulating the better. A heart-lung machine would be needed to oxygenate and move the blood around for a while before the heart gets started back up.  Meanwhile, because Captain America’s last un-frozen moments were spent deep underwater, there may be decompression issues at play. Whatever gas bubbles may have been present in his tissue are currently frozen in place, but when he thaws they can move about and create embolisms —> the bends. Better put him in a hyperbaric chamber just in case.  Since Captain America regained consciousness in a recovery room rather than during the thaw process, it may be safe to assume that he was sedated and/or placed in a drug-induced coma during thaw.  So at this point we’ve got a giant bathtub of brine, a heart-lung machine, oxygen canisters, lots of drugs, plus all the necessary monitoring equipment all inside a hyperbaric chamber. After thawing the antifreeze bath could be replaced with gradually warming water or saline solution in order to bring Captain America back up to normal body temperature. So many machines! This is US medicine at its finest. Forced warm air blowers (hairdryers) are needed after Captain America is fully thawed, organ systems are reactivated, and he is brought back to normal body temperature. At this point it becomes necessary to dry and style Captain America and put him in period-appropriate jammies to sleep it off in a vintage hospital room. If you think hearing the wrong baseball game tipped him off fast, you should see him wake up with bad hair. 

THIS IS THE BEST POST IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING.

That being said, Steve Rogers is 100% American meat. Fahrenheit shall be considered the appropriate unit for this project. 

CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

“Much like the squid, Captain America…” - a sentence I never thought I’d read

It’s funny because this is so well thought out and yet Hydra just pulled Bucky out of the freezer and left him to defrost on the counter.

I don't always agree with the decisions of Wikipedia's volunteer editors, but having learned that their decision on how to handle the James Somerton situation was to deem him non-notable and turn his article into a redirect to a brief writeup of Hbomberguy's plagiarism investigation – well, like I said, this may not be a good decision, but in context it's an extremely funny one.

That makes sense though...if he plagiarized all his work, that means he didn't do anything notable, because everything notable was somebody else's...

The thing neurotypicals tend not to understand about the ADHD brain is that it really only has two gears

I turn to the chalkboard and carefully write out

WORKIN' HARD

HARDLY WORKIN'

Much like a cars transmission getting stuck between gears the adhd brain can also access a secret mode called HORKLY WARDIN' that feels bad

"i cant watch shows about fantasy kingdoms without thinking about how they should be abolishing the monarchy" that my friend sounds like a skill issue

if im watching the lord of the rings extended edition i am a monarchist for 682 minutes

Realistically, a household the size of Wayne Manor needs more than just a butler, and while Bruce might imagine he can keep his proclivities secret from his own domestic staff, Alfred certainly harbours no such illusions. I've gotta wonder what the orientation lecture he's worked out looks like. Like, of course they're going to be extensively vetted before they ever set foot on the premises, but at some point during the onboarding process the subject of the Batcave has gotta come up – I just wanna know how Alfred broaches that.

serious answer: it’s the sex dungeon, and everyone knows it’s the sex dungeon, and alfred is extremely good at getting across the point, in his Very Proper Butler Accent, that domestic staff don’t get to go anywhere near the sex dungeon EVEN WITH an airtight nda contract because someone at some point tried to leak pics to the gossip mags and alfred had to murder them and it was annoying. alfred takes care of the sex dungeon himself. if you find a secret passage on accident you stop and immediately go tell alfred, so he can close the security hole, because if you follow the secret passage yourself and end up in the sex dungeon, he murders you. also if you ever so much as say the words ‘sex dungeon’ he murders you.

funny answer: everyone knows the batcave is underneath the sex dungeon because everyone knows bruce wayne is batman’s sugar daddy.

Oh my god, though, because if 'it's a sex dungeon' is the implied cover story there is a 100 percent certainty that Bruce 'contingency-awareness' Wayne has built a sex dungeon down there

Like, the clock leads to a tunnel that leads to the sex dungeon and in the back of the sex dungeon behind the leather pommel horse and the rack of whips is a secret door leading to the batcave. Please take a moment to imagine with me the first time Bruce takes Clark down to the cave through the house.

"It's the sex dungeon."

THEN WHY DOES HE KEEP TAKING HIS KIDS DOWN THERE, ALFIE?

Why do they always come out covered in cuts and bruises and the occasional broken bone, Alfie?

he's not taking the teenage boys INTO the sex dungeon he's desperately trying to keep them OUT of the sex dungeon because they're TEENAGE BOYS and they keep treating the place like a jungle gym you can jerk off on which is, technically, what it is, but it's not for rowdy greasy disrespectful teenagers who keep sneaking their friends in to play with the swings and whatnot.

every now and then bruce is overheard complaining on the phone to selina or clark that dick tied EVERYTHING into a bow or jason thought it would be funny to mix up the lubes or that tim somehow managed to bolt the flogging bench to the ceiling, yeah, the twelve foot high ceiling, yeah, the 18th century walnut bench, the kid weighs as much as three apples and comes up to bruce's elbow, how did he do this.

and he's not even doing a bit. these things actually happened. alfred bakes you your favorite cookies if you can wreck the sex room without bruce catching you in the act. it gives him a mystery to solve indoors for a change.

I know that’s kind of the go-to thing to show that a vampire character is “one of the good ones” or whatever but it actually seems a little bit more fucked up for a vampire to steal blood from a blood bank than for a vampire to attack people for blood, at least as long as it’s not the kind of vampire where a bite is instantly lethal like it never stops bleeding. 

People can recover from losing some blood but blood bank blood is constantly in short supply and is reserved for people who imminently need blood transfusion of a specific blood type or else they die.

I also hate the “I can just substitute human blood with animal blood” like the whole idea of vampirism sort of hinges on the fact the only thing you can feed off of are humans.

YOU get it

Once you start having vampires subsist on animals, well, like, so do humans. In fact the average human probably eats more animals per year than most of the animal-blood-drinking vampires I’ve seen depicted.

That’s not a vampire, all you’ve written is an immortal superhuman who subsists on…food, even if it’s a bit undercooked. That’s a fucking elf.

Some of y’all’s ideas of other options for “ethical” vampires is insane.

“Ethical vampires should feed on criminals.” So it is ethical for a person to get death penalty without trial and/or to be literally consumed by other citizens as punishment for a crime? That’s the prison-industrial complex.

Ok so I have thought about this extensively. I have come up with a solution to the ethical vampire dilemma that covers pretty much all the bases.

How do you get blood from a human source consensually, without attracting negative attention?

Trendy high end spa.

Advertise a revitalizing blood detox facial. Spas are always doing these kinds of wacky treatments. It’s gimmicky and attention grabbing enough to draw in the upper class. Vampire gets daily blood, and the “victims” pay large amounts of money to give it to them. Spa is highly praised for its luxurious and unique services and draws in more customers

I am certain this would work

“i have come up with an ethical solution: a healthcare scam that steals people’s blood”

So for 20 plus years my mother worked for a blood bank. It wasn’t the Red Cross but it was a volunteer donation whole blood place not a plasma donation place. At the same time she was working there, I was a teenager and deeply into a bunch of vampire RPGs and larping. I did a couple of my science fair projects with the people in her lab. While doing that, we talked extensively about how it would work to get blood out of this place without tripping any regulatory stuff for the lab or in general being detected by the staff.

While I assume that some of the laboratory technology has improved over the years, if you are in an environment where drinking from blood bags is sufficient for the vampires to survive, this presumes a couple of things:

One, blood does not have to be fresh from the human in order to be nutritious for the vampire

Two, the anticoagulation and other processes and chemicals inherent to the blood bags are not harmful to vampires

Three, the spinning down and splitting of blood into its component parts does not strip the blood of its nutrition, and in general bags of whole red blood cells are probably sufficient. There could be an argument that you also need to steal the platelets and plasma, but in any case a donation of whole blood is a sufficient meal for a vampire one way or another.

Four, given that we don’t see vampires checking the date on these blood bags, and especially in the RPGs you can steal whatever you want right out of the refrigerator and it doesn’t matter, we can presume that the blood continues to be good for the vampire as long as it is also good for transfusion into a human.

Given these presumptions, there are reasonably ethical ways to get your blood from a volunteer donation blood bank.

There are a number of ways that units can be spoiled right out of the gate. If you don’t donate enough blood, if it’s a bad stick or you just clot too fast, your blood bags can be too light (we measure blood by weight when you are drawing it) to qualify for human transfusion. Combining multiple of these bags that would otherwise be thrown away into a single unit could be a meal for a vampire without taking any blood out of the system that is intended for medical use.

Expired blood is dated well within the margin of error for the blood actually going bad in any real sense of the word. Obviously you want to make sure that anything set for human transfusion will be 100% ready 100% of the time. For a unit that expires in 30 days, it will likely be sort of past the sell-by date but still edible and likely still consumable by vampires. While many of those expired units are autoclaved, packaged, and sent off to pharmaceutical research facilities for use in testing and the like, there are other ways for those companies to get that blood, so pulling from the pipeline just after expiration date would almost certainly be an ethical thing to do and not harm anyone. This was the place in the process where the tracking of the blood goes from specifically tracking the serial number on each individual unit to simply counting the total number of units in a box. If you had someone on the inside who could fudge a few numbers for you and make sure the QC folks didn’t triple check your work, you could sneak blood out this way without causing any alarm.

Lots of people bag their own blood and do directed donations. Sometimes they want it for specific Medical procedures, sometimes they want it just in case, like if they have a particularly rare blood type and want to make sure if they’re ever in an accident they have a perfect match for their own blood. This blood is often kept Frozen and with a much longer expiration date than your average unit. If you had some individuals who you trusted to regularly donate blood for you specifically, you could likely get away with that and create a fake private Clinic that would purchase those specific directed donation units which were never in the main stream of blood donation. You could also pay someone on the inside to let you know when someone with banked blood has died, and you could get a bunch of Frozen blood in one go.

If you’ve ever got questions about blood donation, the transfusion pipeline, blood typing, or anything else similar, feel free to drop me a line.

Most vampires in folklore don’t kill their victim on the first feeding so the only ethical solution for a vampire is to find people who have a vampire fetish and just pretend you’re like really into it and do aftercare

Admittedly it would limit the available meals I a given area so you’d have a move cities a lot

I wrote an urban fantasy play in which the vampire characters own an entire neighborhood (thanks to investing on the ground floor hundreds of years ago) and because they only need to pay for property tax/maintenance, they run tons of apartment buildings where the rent is either a very affordable cash rate OR blood.

Here, let them tell you about it:

Tell me you wouldn’t pay blood rent in order to get an affordable apartment and free healthcare.

(Anyway the real enemy in the end was capitalism!)

The Unapologetic Self as the Truest form of Self

[source]

THIS IS THE EXACT COMIC I WAS THINKING OF WHEN I MADE THIS BUT I COULDNT FIND IT! BLESS YOU!

Think I'll do a bloodborbe burger king king cosplay build

I will simply make a bloodborne character that looks like the iconic character of the burger king and I will dress him in the most burger king outfits available to me in the videogame bloodborne

Thus begins my delicious journey... now on to the Fashion (speeding my way to cainhurst by any means neccessary)

Success!!!

OMW to deliver delicious whoppers to all the beasts of yharnam

Write a horror story in the format of an Internet search history

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I think the funniest dynamic for arranged-marriage royalty would be a queen who came here 100% prepared to murder her future husband and rule as a widow queen in her own right, only to discover that the king is autistic as hell and responds to her wish to rule with "oh thank god please do, I don't want to be bothered by these people. I can just tell them to go bother you instead, if you really want that. I've got beetles I wanted to study."

"I'm really not good at it," the king admits with horrible, aching grief. The country is in disarray. Peasants go hungry. Nobles trade power amongst themselves with impunity.

So the queen takes over and ruthlessly sets things to rights. Fires several generals, hangs nobles, redirects wealth to the peasantry. It isn't long before the first assassination attempt, which she expected.

She did not expect her docile, beetle-obsessed husband to go absolutely feral and fling himself at the assassins wielding a pair of sharp knives.

Also, the beetles are intended to attack and kill a certain type of invasive worm that has been killing off the gourd and potato crops for decades. He’s been trying since he was a child to crossbreed several native species to be hardier and better diggers. When he finally gets it right it’s all over for you bitches (“you bitches” being mass starvation of subsistence farmers).

The Queen says she’ll negotiate a trade deal with a neighboring country that has also suffered from the worm blight and her husband stares at her for a long moment.

“No,” he finally says. “We’re going to give them the beetles for free.”

The Queen pauses.

“All right,” she says.

"We call it vff," said the alien. "It's - it's hard to describe to a species without vffsense. Imagine trying to describe light to a species that never evolved eyes. But there are forms of life that are only perceptible with vffsense, and they've visited Earth and fed on life as long as it's existed here."

There was a pause.

Then the human said, "That's the worst thing you've ever said."

"Don't worry about it."

"I think I have to, now."

"No, because - well - you have a species of spider which pretends to be an ant, correct? It's not capable of understanding the fact that it's mimicking an ant, but it instinctually mimics an ant in order to deter predators."

"Sure?"

"Humans produce a vff to mimic varths, predators only perceptible through vffsense. The organisms that would like to feed on you are terrified of varths, and so they leave you alone. You aren't aware you do it, you don't have the capacity to understand you're doing it, but you evolved to instinctually do it to deter predators you can't see."

There was a pause.

Then the human said in a very soft and thoughtful voice, "And are there varths on Earth?"

"Yes," said the alien. "Everywhere. But don't worry about it."

"I think I have to, now."

"Well, varths can also sense vff, of course, but to a varth you putting off varth like vff isn't particularly frightening."

"Not frightening, ok. So do they feed on us?"

"No."

"So if not feeding then something... else?"

"Yes. Quite a lot of something else actually."

"What do you mean a lot of something else?"

"Well, you know ostriches?"

"Yeah?"

"When you humans keep ostriches, sometimes you accidentally exhibit features and behaviors that... appeal to an ostrich more than a member of their own species."

"So you're saying varth find us-"

"Incconsivably sexy, desirable to the point they abandon their own home planet and species with some regularity. It's actually quite fascinating, humans are to varth as cats are to catnip."

"Wow that's a lot to take in... you sure know a lot of animal metaphors. You could be a zoologist."

"I am a zoologist"

"Oh?"

"That's why I'm here, talking to you."

"Ah."

is this what you guys are following me for