Avatar

the lore of my depression

I like to tell myself this story of my depression whenever the blade is calling or the bottle of pills looks just a bit too appetizing. I know it’s not real and it’s just a story, but what are humans if not the stories we tell ourselves to survive? 

The story goes like this: many many years ago (as every good story starts far before the reader could comprehend) a curse fell on my family. For deeds of the past or deals with devils, a demon was sent. This demon focuses on one family member at a time and its sole job is to get that person to kill themselves because, only then, can the demon gain that person’s power and move on to another victim in the bloodline. The only way to break the curse is for one of the demon’s victims to survive its wrath. If the demon fails to cause its chosen victim to kill themselves, then the demon must die with that person. 

I know it is quite a scary story, but it lets me externalize my suicidal urges. For some reason, we as a society externalize almost all illnesses as an enemy to “fight.” We urge people to fight cancer and we battle arthritis and lupus, but for some reason, we blame ourselves for mental illness in a way we don’t tend to apply to more obviously physical illnesses. Now, I don’t always agree with this discourse, but I will never deny myself a coping mechanism if it works. 

So the story allows me two things:

  1. Externalizes blame for my sadness. Allows me to reject the shame of being “too weak” to overcome my depression, as the story states that it is not possible for me to overcome because I am the one of my family to host this demon.

And

  1. Gives me a clear goal. I think in my worst moments, suicide seems so seductive because I feel I will never achieve what I want in life (I will die alone or never have a family of my own or be a burden), but this story simplifies my life’s goal to one thing: as long as I don’t kill myself then I will have kept my family safe and ended the curse, as it can’t be passed down unless the demon succeeds in causing its host to die by their own hand. So even if I am never happy, never not depressed, never amount to much of anything by societal standards, if I just manage to not commit suicide, then I’ll have protected those I love and broken a generational curse for those that come after me. 

The inspiration for this story was a quote I once read that said “Suicide does not end the pain, it just passes it along.” And, while I think there could be some victim-blaming here if applied incorrectly, I think it is also a powerful tool to reset my mind in my worst hours. Because this pain may be inconceivably awful, but that just makes it all the more important that I don’t allow it to pass along. Perhaps my Christian upbringing is what makes martyrdom so appealing, but if it keeps me alive and restores some sense of personal purpose when I want to end it all, then fuck it. I’ll take it. 

Avatar

Hi so in college I English/writing classes were about reading, defining terms, poetry, writing 5 paragraphs essays. Finals were lengthy writing samples. I am going to attend Uni this fall for a bachelors degree. What can I expect the English major to be?

Avatar

I’m getting to this so late, so I sincerely apologize! My experience as an English major is a lot of readings (usually 2 books/month between all of my classes) and at least one 3-5 page essay per book with a midterm and or final of 8-15 pages. Essays in uni are a lot less structured then college, no 5 paragraph model to follow and rarely do they give a prompt. It is mainly you picking an idea or angle to read the assigned book then arguing why this idea/angle exists and is important. Example: 1984, idea: love can be one of the most dangerous tools against an authoritarian government, support this through julia and the dangers the characters take to be together. Does that make sense? Overall, no tests at all, just writing and analyzing. I love it haha. Feel free to PM me for more details.

Love,

Alex

Avatar

Reblog if you would be comfortable living in a dormitory with an openly transgender or intersex individual. We’re working on a campaign for gender neutral housing and we could use your support.

Avatar

Opportunities to Meet People In College

Before Move-In

Admitted Students Days. Your school/uni may have these under a different name, but days where you can go to get to know more about the academic programs and campus activities.

New Student Send-Offs.  Casual gatherings hosted by alumni of your school/uni who live in your region.

People From Your High School.  Maybe you know people from your high school who got into the same college as you. Knowing some familiar faces can make adjusting to a new environment easier.

Class of 202_ Facebook Groups. Student-moderated Facebook groups for prospective students. Be sure to look for the one that is moderated by current students at your school/uni. There are some that are affiliated with businesses and posts a lot of advertisements. Once you join, make a brief post introducing yourself. You’ll get better responses if you’re specific about your interests (talk about your favorite TV shows/movies/books, your major, what you’re looking forward to doing in college, etc).

Contacting your Roommate(s). You’ll need to contact them anyway to make sure you guys know what you’re bringing for your dorm. Eventually, you can talk to them to get to know them better. Ask about their interest, but also ask about anything you should be aware of (e.g. allergies, sleeping/studying habits, etc).

During/After Move-In

Helping Others Move In. Maybe someone's struggling to move a heavy box or needs some tape to hang their photos on their wall.

Keeping Your Door Open the First Couple Days. Maybe one of your floormates will notice your cool collection of band posters and you two can bond over your similar music taste!

Orientations/Welcome Week. Meeting people through activities or department-specific informational sessions the first couple days after move-in.

Joining Clubs, Sports, Fraternities/Sororities. This one speaks for itself.

Creating/Joining Study Groups. On the first week of class, ask your classmates if they’d be interested in creating an online study group, a place where you can share notes, ask for help, or get information about the classes you’ve missed. You can make a GroupMe (recommended for smaller classes) or a Facebook Group (recommended for bigger classes) or any other social media you see fit.

Good luck next year! Remember that it’s okay to be nervous. There will be lots of people adjusting to a new environment just like you!

Avatar
Avatar
optomstudies

16.05.17 New pencilcase!✏️

How cute is this new pencilcase I got from Typo? I grabbed the very last one in store! Today I’m working on finishing my therapeutics case report before heading off to Melbourne next week! I’ve got two other essays to write this week so it’s honestly taking a toll on me! ><” On a good note, my skin is super smooth after taking good care of it the past week! :D

🎵 桃源境(도원경) Shangri-La - VIXX (this song is my favourite from them yet!)

MY STUDY TIPS

Please see my #optomstudies tag or my study tips directory (web only) for the full list of study tips + see my kpop vocab lists + stationery + bujo spreads! ^_^

WHAT I WISH I’D KNOWN BEFORE UNIVERSITY STUDY TIPS SERIES 0 Choosing a Degree , 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10-1 , 10-2 Saving Money 11 Adapting to Uni Study , 12 Study From Textbooks in Uni

Avatar
Avatar
studyblr

hogwarts houses: study edition

gryffindor:

  • creating study groups with your friends
  • studying to do good in the world
  • flashcards!!
  • coffee at 2 am
  • being obsessed with highlighters
  • finding a secret spot to study
  • the perfect study playlist

hufflepuff

  • sitting in the park, studying
  • texting your friends little motivational quotes
  • beautiful bullet journals
  • Camomile tea
  • scented candles
  • creating the perfect study environment
  • calming yourself before an exam
  • studying to help and create

ravenclaw

  • procrastinating. a. lot
  • “oh look I spent 2 hours on wikipedia again”
  • studying to finally understand everything
  • embellishing notes with cute little drawings
  • ancient libraries
  • helping friends on the night before the exam
  • pretty desktop backgrounds
  • the sound of turning a page in a book
  • finding the perfect word to use in your essay

slytherin

  • to-do lists and vision boards
  • knowing exactly what you have to do to achieve your goal
  • finishing your essay in the middle of the night
  • „intellect without ambition is like a bird without wings“
  • succulents on your desk
  • the feeling of getting that A
  • studying to achieve greatness
Avatar
Avatar
firewxtch

to my younger followers: if u ever have questions u want answering but arent sure who to talk to you can ask me. i am ur honorary big sister now ok

Avatar

07.04.17

All set up ready for my skype meeting with my supervisor!

I was worried it would be really hard with him leaving halfway through my PhD, but thanks to Skype it’s actually been fine 😊

I love sitting at this table when it’s sunny outside! And I want to have daffodils all the time, they really make it feel like spring!

Avatar

How to study when you’re feeling (extra) shitty

If you’re chronically ill and in school, you may have already figured out a system that works for you on most days. Even if that’s the case, sometimes a flare comes out of left field and you’re left scrambling. These are a few things that I’ve found helpful in surviving extra bad days during the school year. A lot of this also applies to acute illness whether you’re chronically ill or not.

Maybe don’t study

Are you going to make yourself feel worse if you study now? Is pushing through going to jeopardize your health? Are you just feeling too awful? If so, it’s okay to let things go for an hour, a day, a week, or longer.
You come first. Always.

Medicate

Do you have PRN or OTC medications that can help with symptom management? Have you taken your daily meds? Do that before you try to do anything else. You’re going to be able to get a lot more done (not to mention the fact that you just plain won’t feel as miserable) if you take whatever medication you have available to you rather than trying to tough it out.

Check in with yourself

Have you gotten some sort of nutrition? Are you sufficiently hydrated? Do you need to close your eyes for a few? Do whatever is accessible to you in the moment to take care of yourself.

Prioritize

What absolutely has to be done now and what can wait until you’re closer to your baseline?  Are there things that you can get an extension on? Professors that are more lenient with grading? Classes you have opportunities for extra credit in? Does it make sense to skip class and use those spoons to get work done? On the assignments that you have to get done now, is there anything that you feel comfortable doing a mediocre job on just to get it done?  Figure out what’s the most important and go from there.

Communicate

If you’re going to turn things in late, miss class, need an extension, or just want to give your professor a heads up that you’re not feeling great and X may happen as a result, shoot them an email. The sooner the better, but it’s infinitely preferable to send a last second email asking for an extension (or to send one after the fact) than not to send one at all. If you can, I’d also really recommend talking with your professor before there’s a problem, but if that’s not a possibility, don’t stress it.
If you feel like this is going to be a longer term issue, it’s a good idea to communicate with disability services and/or your advisor to see what your options are.

Get comfy (ish)

Find a study spot that you can work in effectively and make yourself as comfortable as possible. When my pain levels are high, I don’t like to work it public spaces where I have to sit upright and deal with the extra sensory input, so I usually get set up on my couch with a heating pad, my maternity pillow (these things are the best), and a lap desk. 
Maybe for you it makes sense to set yourself up in the bathroom so you don’t have to run back and forth every two seconds. Or maybe you need to work somewhere dark and quiet. There’s really no way to do this wrong, so play around and figure out what works for you.

Take breaks

A 10-2 system often works well for me, but this is another one where you really can’t do it wrong. Take as many breaks as you need for as long as you need them. Play around to find something that feels comfortable for you.

Be gentle with yourself

Didn’t get everything you wanted to done? That’s okay. Didn’t get anything at all done? That’s okay too. It’s okay to rest. Your well being is always the most important thing.

Happy studying!

Avatar

Important things for student Spoonies to know

1. Your limits may be met much earlier than planned, and that’s ok. 2. Your limits might vary from day to day, and that’s ok. 3. You might run out of spoons way too early and not finish everything, and that’s ok. 4. One or two or twenty bad grades aren’t the end of the world. 5. Your limits are set by you and you alone. Don’t let others pressure you into surpassing them. 6. Your illness is never, never, never your fault.

Avatar

4•18•17 // Biology Notes! I’ve been working so hard on this class because it’s been giving me trouble. But I improved on my last exam grade!! So that means it’s working 💕

Avatar

23/4/2017// my bullet journal (inspired by @baby-gloom ) and some tea with soy milk. Hopefully today will be productive

Avatar
Avatar
spooniestudy

tips from a mentally ill college student

an ongoing list of things i’m learning that i wish i’d known sooner. feel free to add on to the list or ask me to make edits! if some of this seems obvious, i apologize, but a lot of it never occurred to me or took two and a half years for me to start doing. 

  • environment: where you study matters. don’t do it where you sleep, if possible. i block out time to go to the library or coffee shop, but you can also try a park, empty classroom, study room, etc. 
  • pomodoro timer: as an ADHD student, using a pomodoro timer app has helped tremendously. other options include Forest and similar apps, but my brain tends to just go “okay, let the tree die then.” even this timer doesn’t always work for me, but it works often enough that i use it to study. 
  • cook on sunday: or whenever you have a free chunk of time. cooking takes a lot out of me so i usually do it twice a week, sunday and wednesday night. i’ll chop up a lemon, de-frost frozen chicken, rub it in spices and olive oil, and put parchment paper over it, then put that in the oven. + i make rice with chicken broth instead of water. together it’s a solid meal. simple recipes using as few ingredients as possible are a lifesaver for me. search “easy recipes,” “simple recipes,” and the like for tons of options. 
  • forgive yourself: it’s so hard for me to do and has taken time. you are going to have days where you simply can’t get anything done. it doesn’t mean you’re lazy. it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. even if you missed an assignment, you can still get a good grade in the class. furthermore, you NEED the recovery time. it is NOT time wasted. 
  • counseling: if you have on-campus counseling, take advantage of it. even if they aren’t your main therapist, or you don’t usually go to therapy, or you don’t get along with the first person you see. try going a few times and find someone to click with. having access to someone who can write a doctor’s note is vital. 
  • disability resources: if you need them, get in their program! do it! i don’t care if it makes you feel weird, if you don’t feel like you deserve it, etc. do it! do it! it’s one of the best things i did for myself on campus, and it’s the reason i can still go to school. 
  • tell professors early on: i have adhd, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. there are going to be days when, even with counseling and medication, i will absolutely not be able to go to class or pay attention or what have you. if a professor knows i’m dealing with this stuff, they’re more likely to give me a break than they would otherwise. 
  • plants are the bomb. name them. look up care sheets for them. talk to the people at plant shops, if you have any in your area. take them for walks. read about them. watch tv with them. sing to them. plants have saved my life many times over and they don’t ask much in return. 
  • stockpile your happiness. i keep a list of things that bring positive emotions to me, and come back to it when my mood starts to swing down: things to do, video links, music, vines of cute animals, whatever. conversely, keeping a playlist of songs that help you get through pain can be exceptionally important when it’s three in the morning and no one is texting back. 
  • there’s more than the national suicide prevention hotline. they get a lot of calls and are most concerned with whether you’re in immediate danger, and aren’t the best people to call in every situation. i say this because people reblog suicide prevention hotlines all the time, but don’t consider what the general purpose of each one is for. it can feel really shitty to be brushed off by someone who doesn’t think you’re “in crisis enough” for their services, so makes sure to have options saved beforehand. local crisis hotlines, text crisis hotlines, & online messaging crisis centers are important to keep on hand. 
  • look for off-campus resources, too. see if there are any organizations in the area that could help you that aren’t tied to the school. again, it is good to have as many options for help as possible. 
  • sometimes a rubber band on the wrist is the best option. or throwing ice cubes in the tub, or wrapping yourself in a blanket because it’s the only thing keeping you together right now. if i’m having the urge to self-harm, snapping a rubber band against my wrist is a safer option for me, even if it’s not THE safest option. like, ideally i would draw on my arm with marker, but if i’m in a bad enough state that won’t be enough for me, you feel? the safe coping mechanism that you’ll actually use is FAR more helpful than the safest option you never will. 
  • online community. i frequent the #actuallybpd and #actuallyadhd tags on tumblr because these are people that understand what it’s like, and can help me vent my frustrations when i have no one to turn to. just remember not to over-engage in discourse if it’s bad for your mental state, like it is for me.
  • look up pictures of the diaphragm and how it works. i literally didn’t know what my diaphragm looked like, so breathing was even harder than it would’ve been otherwise. looking up animations of it helped me learn how to breathe slowly and deeply, which was not actually something i knew how to do. 
  • white noise is the only way i can focus on studying. really. 
  • asmr, binaural stuff, etc. if it helps you and it’s safe, there’s nothing wrong with it. i know the jury’s still out on whether it “actually works,” but even if it’s placebo, it helps me calm down quickly. 
  • remember why you’re here: to learn, apply that knowledge, meet people, and make the world a better place. or to make cash money, whatever. 
You are using an unsupported browser and things might not work as intended. Please make sure you're using the latest version of Chrome, Firefox, Safari, or Edge.