Pairing: M!Hawke/Anders

Word Count: 2889

Tags: Implied/Referenced Self-harm, Arguments, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon (Fugitive Ending/Supportive Hawke), Depression, Purple/Blue Mage Hawke

Summary: Hawke had noticed signs that Anders may be self-harming in secret and aimed to get to the bottom of it... but he could have gone about it better. When tensions settle, the two navigate Anders's insecurities and past hurts and reaffirm their love for each other.

• Bethany: So, you were in the Circle and ran away. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to do that.
• Anders: You’ve been an apostate your whole life.
• Bethany: Exactly. It was never anything I had to work for.
• Bethany: Other people always took the risks, to keep me free.

• Anders: Where did you learn your magic? I mean, you know my feelings on the Circle, but usually it’s the only decent training a mage can get.
• Bethany: My father taught me. He was in the Circle once, trained there. But he got away.
• Anders: You don’t know how lucky you were, to have someone who loved you and could help you. Most mages would kill for that.
• Bethany: You remind me of him.

• Anders: The Rite of Tranquility is the whole problem. If they didn’t have that to hold over us, we’d have so many more options.
• Bethany: Right! If we want to fight back… or just engage in intelligent debate… they make sure we can’t do it.
• Anders: They’re forcing our hands. There’s no way to change things peacefully.
• Bethany: There must be something.
• Anders: If it’s Tranquility or death, we have no choice but to make every confrontation a life-or-death struggle.
• Bethany: I know, but… there are good people in the Circle, the Chantry. There has to be a way to reason with them.
• Anders: Not if they take away your ability to reason.

• Bethany: I know it didn’t work the way you wanted, but… it was brave, what you did with Justice.
• Anders: It was meant well. I don’t know if that’s enough to forgive me.
• Bethany: It must have been hard for him, being trapped outside the Fade. In a place where no one’s like him. I bet he appreciated having a friend.
• Anders: He did.

No matter their power, their triumphs, [They] were men And doomed to die.

"Occasionally he cries. Weeps, actually, which is just, Jesus Christ, what the fuck. Not with a single manly tear either but lots of them large, pearly-clear droplets running down his cheeks, like rain in summer. Doesn't sob or heave with broken breaths the way Maggie did. No, he cries quietly. It's fucking terrifying."