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I literally can’t get myself to sit through movies that don’t have women. I’m like where the fuck are the women? Why are there so many men? This is boring as fuck goodbye

Even if it’s historically accurate?

as everyone knows, women were invented in 1990

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foulserpent

gay sex doesnt just “accidentally” happen billions of times ! wake up and face the truth scientists! bugs are gay! bugs are having all kinds of gay bug sex right under your feet and there is NOTHING you can do about it!

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magicbb8ball

the other night I had this dream where I decided that I wanted to get a restraining order against Jared Leto just to limit my chances of ever accidentally meeting Jared Leto. but then the courts were all like have you ever met Jared Leto and I was like no and they were like you can’t get a restraining order against someone you’ve never interacted with and I was like but he creeps me the fuck out and they were like ahhh yes he creeps her the fuck out maybe we should consider this. so it became a huge deal and the news started reporting on it and other people saw it and were like hello yes Jared Leto also creeps me out can I have a restraining order. so eventually like everyone in the world got a restraining order. but the restraining orders like stacked for some reason so eventually the distance of how far he had to be from most people was so large we had no choice but to launch him into outer space to live out the rest of his life alone. the day we launched him into space was celebrated as a international holiday and I was considered a hero for sparking the revolution. the end.

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So my neighbor was out camping and met Keanu Reeves who was also camping (I guess he likes dogs because he came up and said “I love these dogs!” about her rottweiler) and she said she thought she was crazy for a minute because no one else knew he was there and it turns out Keanu was just there chilling with a one-man tent and a cooler and his little Dodge car and every time someone looked at him he’d just turn his face away and it’s kind of just solidified in my mind that Keanu Reeves is a cryptid.

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moelskerdeg

Hey what’s up how do you tell someone you’re obsessed with them but like in a cool chill way

I told them I appreciated them greatly after they kept me entertained while I had to wait for an hour at the pharmacy and they said likewise and that I’m a “home run of a pal” that means we’re in love right

Update: I think this might actually be happening??? maybe???? lmao

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