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Fluorescent Adolescent

@defiantfuck / defiantfuck.tumblr.com

Name's Damian. 20, he/him, bi. Scorpio. I actually care a lot. { Indie oc rp blog } { Pages }
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@muttdays 

I understand I've made a lot of shitty mistakes. I have not drawn Damian respectfully or properly, I have not represented his culture (at all), and I've done and said a lot of things that were racist (the thing with garo on deciding npc names makes me cringe, I should have listened to him when he said i didnt have to have a stereotypical name. That was stupidly racist.). Even when it was brought up, I did not take the actions necessary to change or fix my mistakes. I know I should have realized this a lot sooner and changed a lot faster, and for that, I am so so sorry. But I am dedicated to doing that now. I want to treat Damian right. I want to give him the respect and dedication it requires for me to write and draw him.

I want to improve and that's WHY I'm stopping. I completely agree with you, I need to listen and learn and collaborate with actual mexican-americans who deal with issues similar to his. I apologize for not directly mentioning that in any of my posts so far, but that's what I meant by improving. I'm not trying to leave tumblr so that I can continue being racist elsewhere, I actually want to stop and learn how to draw and write people of color better. And this isn't about being woke, this is about improving as a human being who wants to unlearn their racism and do better.

I know I haven't given you any reason to believe me. I haven't listened to you guys before. But I want to stress that I am listening to you now and I am actively, seriously changing myself and Damian. I know that the only real apology is changed behavior, so that is what I am going to do.

However, regarding the creepy/sexual harassment behavior: 

  1. For Damian, thoughts about cheating are intrusive thoughts. It's not funny or "lol" worthy, it's a serious issue, and not one to be taken lightly. If I ever have, that was never my intent, and I never, ever planned on having Damian cheat. Cheating is wrong, end of subject, he will not do it. He has been attracted to different people, but being initially attracted to people and actually pursuing them outside of a friendly platonic relationship are two very different things.
  2. I don't know where these allegations of sexual harassment are coming from. I am genuinely wracking my brain trying to think of anything I've done that could constitute harassment, but the only thing I can think of is the situation where miragem*ge made up an entire story of how I only wanted them for sex, which was never true and I have our entire chat logs to prove it. Beyond that, I know I did some really shitty and gross stuff a few years ago when I was 17, but I was dealing with my own hypersexuality in a very distasteful and horrible way, and if I had the chance to do it again, I would not have done any of it. I wholeheartedly regret and am disgusted and sorry for the way I acted back then. But, other than that, I really don't know where this is coming from and I do not want lies being spread about me.
  3. I have never, EVER tried to buy anyone off so that they don't say anything. I have offered people money, and have given people donations and tips, but NONE of those were to bribe someone into not talking. Were some of them made in poor taste? Probably! I know I offered you money to help with your dog after the shit that happened back in... last november I think? And that probably came off as super gross, but my goal was never to get you to stop talking or unblock me or anything. All I wanted to do was help. And that's the ONLY reason why I have given people money. Anyone that I've donated to will tell you that I have always been lax with my money. I don't want people to pay me back, I don't want anything in return, I just want them to be happy.
#ooc#muttdays
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Permanent Hiatus

I’ve been thinking a lot these past few weeks, and. I’m considering the fact that i can no longer do—and have not done—Damian justice through this blog. I absolutely love and adore Damian more than any other character I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to stop writing him and drawing him (and i'm not gonna stop improving upon both of those skills, so that i can do him justice in those regards), but there’s a big difference in writing a character and having an ic blog for that character. 

u can write diverse n inclusive media with enough time and research n dedication put into it, but in the case of writing diverse ic rp blogs, you kind of get into that gray area between writing stories with diverse characters, and writing stories about the lives of those characters, of which you may or may not have any jurisdiction over. I can write a book with Damian as a character in the story, but when the story is about Damian’s life and how he navigates his race and sexuality and gender and culture and etc etc, that’s when things get messier and that’s when I should step back and ask if i have the personal experience necessary to write about these subjects (the answer is usually No). 

and that’s kind of what this blog has been for quite some time now. Even if its not a book, its still a blog where Damian lives his day-to-day life, of which I just... don’t have the personal experience necessary for. Because of that, I don’t make original posts about things i have no experience with, but in doing so, I am ignoring an extremely large and important part of him. The only thing I can kind of write about is his bisexuality and his gender-nonconformity, because i'm also bi and gnc, but I can’t even do THAT justice bc I don’t know how those things intersect with him being a person of color, or being amab, or how it intersects with his culture and his family and etc etc. 

What I’m getting at is, Damian is a beautiful character and I love him so so much, but I am not the right person to play him, and I haven’t been for a long time. That’s why I’m putting this blog on a permanent hiatus. I’m not going to delete—i want to keep everything that’s been on this blog, like the messages, posts, etc—but I will no longer be active here anymore.

If you would like, you can find me over on my personal, @bitransbf. 

#ooc#thank you for reading#i hope someday i can come back as a better/more educated person#with a character i can fully represent and speak for
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reblogged
drachen-futter
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c3rvida3

I love how when someone blocks you on Tumblr, it just pretends it can't load their page instead of telling you to get fucked. It's so funny. Like, why is this website trying not to hurt my feelings?

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pingo1387
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reblogged
mexicancherry
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seraphasia

love + vulnerability:

1. "I don't want your love unless you know I am repulsive, and love me even as you know it." (georges bataille, from 'my mother')

2. "Finally, in a low whisper, he said, "I think I might be a terrible person." For a split second I believe him - I thought he was about to confess to a crime, maybe murder. Then I realized that we all think we might be terrible people. But we only reveal this before asking someone to love us. It is a kind of undressing." (miranda july, from 'the first bad man')

3. "I also learned the word dendrochronology—analyzing the patterns of tree rings to know everything that has ever happened to a tree. This is how I love you. I am peeling back my skin, layer by layer, so you will finally know everything inside me." (roxanne gay, from 'strange gods')

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Anonymous asked:

okay they won’t @ you but garo and red are calling you racist again

yeah.

They’re right, i need to be better at both drawing damian, and at managing damians account as a white person. Red already warned me some time ago about the nose thing, and i deleted the drawing in question (and redrew it, but didnt re-upload it), but now i realize it’s the way I draw noses in general thats shitty and needs to change. 

I’m going to start taking even more care in how I draw damian now, and also, as i’ve already mentioned in the other post Red made about this, I’m going to be more cautious in posts i make/reblog regarding issues that white people don’t have a say in. 

I’ve already made other changes to his character, but if there’s more things people would like to see change that I haven’t already done/addressed, I want to hear them! And if Garo or Red want to talk to me directly, all of my contacts are open. I am not here to fight, I want to listen and make better choices. 

#ooc#and obviously as I've said before#you dont need to hold my hand and teach me exactly what is and isn't racist#but I make mistakes and im not all-knowing and I would appreciate messages here and there telling me if I've done something wrong#Anonymous
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wait i can do both purple AND orange

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oh yeah i downloaded that colonel sanders dating game

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