How do you use aux fe and protect yourself from abusive/unhealthy/destructive people at the same time? I’m struggling with trust and vulnerability and it’s making me close myself off from people. I can tell that not connecting with people is hurting them and it makes me feel guilty but I feel like I can’t handle being hurt or betrayed again. Are there incremental steps I can take to open myself up again?

1) Healthy Fe is about trusting your feelings when interacting with the world, being objective in your value judgments, and giving people the benefit of the doubt in order to facilitate relationship development.

When there is evidence that someone doesn't have your best interests at heart and is therefore untrustworthy, aren't you justified to revoke your trust in them, as well as put in place some protections for yourself? That would show good judgment.

How objective is your judgment and decision making? When you don't know someone very well, are you justified to automatically distrust them? Will that facilitate relationship growth?

2) If fear/insecurity from past traumas is hijacking/distorting your decision making process, that's on you and it's your responsibility to be honest about your fears and challenge yourself to overcome them. Oftentimes, you have to assertively push out of your comfort zones in order to grow. It's a good idea to work with a therapist to address past traumas and learn better ways to cope with fear and insecurity (than closing yourself off from the world).

3) Opening up should happen incrementally in the process of healthy relationship formation. I have already covered this topic before. Perhaps you should read up on relationship/communication skills in general, there are book recs on the resources list.

Do you have any advice to accept change more easily for an infj?

Also, could you please give me the link to your study guides? I can't find them...

Align yourself with the bigger picture. That's what Ni is for.

Open my blog in a web browser to access the study guides: https://mbti-notes.tumblr.com/masterposts

Hello, I'm an ENTJ that would like some advice. For years I have always felt as if I am chasing something and once I actually obtain this something I only feel satisfied with this achievement for a small amount of time then the feeling fades very quickly. I often think that whatever I'm going after at the moment is exactly what I want but once I actually get there it turns its the complete opposite of what I want. (1/2)

[con’t: The best example is my recent move to a city. I grew up in a rural area and believed that I hated everything and couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible. I romanticized the idea of living in a big city and thought I would be going on all these amazing adventures just really diving into life (I think this is an Se urge based on Ni idealizations). I’ve been in the city for a few months now and didn’t think about any of the every day living in cities and have startedTo hate staying here. Now I’m trying to find ways to minimize the amount of time here and move back to somewhere familiar. I just feel as if my life is full of miscalculations. I think my college choice is perfect and now I’m trying to cut out the years it takes for me to get a degree. It seems I’m in an endless cycle of going after some perfect realizing it doesn’t give me satisfaction and immediately trying to quickly get out of it. Do you have any ideas on how to fix this loop? Thank you]

This generally happens to ENTJs when their introverted functions are underdeveloped and they misuse Se to selectively gather evidence to support what they want to do, thus making them unrealistic in their expectations. You’ve accomplished many goals, which is great, but this leads to an overindulgence of Te and not enough reflection on whether the goals you’ve set are actually meaningful and leading you towards your true potential. Have you given enough thought to the goals you’ve set, the honest truth of how you came to desire those goals, and how you came to conclude that they were “good” goals to strive for? You can cite logical reasons for why you made those decisions but, if you only make decisions based on simple logic, is it a surprise that you don’t feel much satisfaction upon getting what you want? In other words, your original goal was not to seek emotional fulfillment nor to fulfill your spiritual needs, though you may have fooled yourself into thinking otherwise at the time you made those decisions. If you seek fulfillment in life, Te is not going to get you there because all Te does is inform you about how to be efficient (objective), it does not inform you about what direction you should take in life or how you should go about living your life with the passion you secretly crave (subjective). You ought to work on Ni, to reflect more carefully about what it is you really need, not just desire, in life so that you can understand the moral values you want to live by and then set your goals accordingly (Fi). See the Type Development guide for more detail.

Could you advice on how to properly receive love? I am entj and rarely be in relationship. I notice that whenever someone likes me,I'd always push them away so they'd leave me alone. I am afraid I have intimacy problem. To be noted, I have always been loved for what I have done (accomplishment) so I never show my vulnerability side. There is a person who likes me and being so kind and I blame myself everyday for not being able to be nice back to him. I might like him too,it hurts when I hurt him

To love someone involves accepting someone for who they are and appreciating the whole of them, good and bad. Therefore, to receive someone’s love involves allowing them in, making yourself emotionally available and fully visible to them. It follows then that the underside of love is that you open yourself up to the risk of being judged, rejected, or hurt by the person you most want affirmation from. You can’t have only the good side of anything; gaining something important always involves risking something important. The question is whether you fully understand the risk and the gain. Are you going to live your life never taking any risks? If you would rather spend your life alone with your work, then I am in no position to judge you for your personal choice. However, it sounds like you like this person and want this new experience? You risk something by opening up to love, but what could you gain? Right now, it seems you only focus on what you can lose when the potential for gain is enormous.

The capacity to receive love hinges on self-acceptance. If there are aspects of yourself that you dislike, hate, or avoid (out of fear or shame), then how could you let someone in to see those things when you’re trying so desperately to hide them even from yourself? Before you can receive love from someone, you first need to understand how to love yourself, warts and all. This requires type development, i.e., not only seeing your strengths but also acknowledging the weaknesses of your personality (see the Type Development guide). Until you can confront and accept the aspects of yourself that produce fear or shame, you will live your life completely controlled and locked in by that fear or shame. Even if this situation doesn’t work out in the end, you will still grow and learn important things about yourself because of stretching beyond your comfort zone, whereas staying in your comfort zone only nets you momentary comfort. If you say ‘no’ to this opportunity to grow, you severely limit yourself only to the few aspects of life where you feel most competent. Eventually, you’ll get bored there and regret not being more courageous, but by then the opportunity will have passed you by. Life is short, how many great opportunities for love do you think will knock on your door?

Hi. Since you're an infj, can you suggest books that can help me as an nfj build my Ni and my emotional intelligence. My emotions control my behaviour. How do I overcome this?

Book suggestions about EI are already in the site index. Ni is a subjective function. To develop it, take time to learn as much as you can about the things you find important and meaningful. Ni is nothing special without a deep well of factual information to draw upon.

INFJs tend to have Ti loops by rationalizing shortcomings, but they could dwell on the past at some points as well due to Ni-Se imbalance and those behaviors would seem like Si loops. Don't you think using loops and grips as a parameter to type yourself or someone else can be limiting or misleading? There are so many ways to deal with stress...

You sound confused. Who are you typing, yourself? 

1) You can’t hope to type accurately by using only 1-2 details. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you need to accumulate as much evidence as you can of how you use ALL FOUR cognitive processes and where each one falls within the functional stack. If you think that one loop/grip detail is enough to type someone, you’re using a method that’s not going to get you far, and it’s certainly not my method. 

2) If you think that loop and grip only tell you about the tertiary and inferior functions respectively, you haven’t understood enough about type dynamics and only see a sliver of the picture. 

3) It is precisely the loop and grip information that would help you distinguish those two types with greater accuracy. Regret is universal, anyone can feel it (I’ve already written an article about ruminating on the past). If all you know is that someone is capable of dwelling in the past, it only tells you that they’re human. However, Si and Ni deal very differently with feelings of regret because they have opposing attitudes about the past. If you haven’t grasped this point, then the problem is that you still haven’t understood the difference between cognition and behavior. It is not the fact of dwelling in the past that is important, it is the reason why as revealed by the manner in which they do it that tells you the correct function. 

4) General typing advice: If you have to twist the details of a type to fit, those shoes aren’t yours. You can try to ram your size 10 feet into size 8 shoes and maybe you can still walk, but I strongly advise against it because I’ve seen the pain it can cause people over time. 

Perhaps you doubt the Function Theory guide? I didn’t dream it up. It was written and is continuously revised to incorporate the knowledge of many books as well as my experience accumulated from typing hundreds of people.

This isn't necessarily mbti question (if you don't mind) but for the record I am an INFJ with severe trust and intimacy issues. I've recently been talking to this man whom I've come to like a lot. We've known each other over a year (I cannot remember how long specifically, but it has been over a year). I've asked him several times how feels about me, etc. and it's generally been positive. I, however, cannot shake the feeling of mistrust. Is there any way I can be positive to invest my feelings?

This is an mbti question because you seem to have underdeveloped Fe and are possibly prone to looping. What you probably haven’t understood is that trust issues lie predominantly within not without. It is very difficult to develop any kind of healthy relationship (and thus grow) if you do not work out your trust issues. You seem to be seeking the impossible in that you expect the outside world to make you feel secure - a world that is in constant flux and is by nature insecure - which means that you could be perpetually stuck because that sense of security is never going to come from the outside except in fleeting or superficial forms, rather, you can only find true peace by looking within and building strength of character. Self-reflection is necessary:

If you can answer these questions with brutal self-honesty, then you have a chance to move forward. Life is short. If you can’t take risks, anything worth striving for will always be out of your reach.If you can’t confront and solve your problems, you’ll be wasting your life away in running away. You should develop your judging functions, study the learning guides.

How do you think Borderline Personality Disorder would manifest in an ISFJ?

Generally speaking, mental disorders tend to increase the likelihood of loop and grip behavior. Unhealthy Fe-Ti: dysfunctional relationships, codependence, trust issues, overcritical, indecisive. Unhealthy Ne: erratic and inconsistent behavior.

Hi. I'm ISFJ trying to break a loop state. How can I trust people again?

By developing your Fe function, which requires that you open up. I’ve already written about trust issues, check the site index. Every person you meet is a new person, with new possibilities, potentially positive or negative. Trust issues are ruled by fear. Build awareness of your fears, what you fear and why, what exactly triggers that fear, how that fear creates a distorted view of new people, how that fear causes you to treat people unfairly instead of maintaining an open mind in giving them the benefit of the doubt, keep reminding yourself of the positive potential for the relationship instead of only focusing on the negative possibilities. This requires that you build emotional awareness.

I have deep Ni-Ti loop and Ni-Se grip tendencies. I started learning to integrate healthy boundaries, but when expressed through a loop, their success dissolves when met with extreme external pressure--they were never fully integrated into my core. The pressure resurfaced repressed self-loathing. I hate myself because I want independence for Ni values, Fe secondary, but remain trapped despite new approaches. I don't know how to accept feeling incapable, since it's the foundation of my problems.

Do you have a question to ask? What you wrote is quite confused and misguided, which is basically what Ti loop sounds like. The “funny” thing about Ti loop is that infjs convince themselves that they’re trying to “stay true to myself” when, actually, what they’re trying to stay true to is their fake self-image. Imagine that you felt more safe and comfortable wearing a pretty mask in public, then you became so dependent on it that you wore it in private too, and you wore it so long that you eventually came to believe it was your true face. Then imagine how hard your life would be when every single encounter in the world threatened to unmask you and reveal to you the awful ugliness underneath. That is Ti loop, and fear keeps infjs highly motivated to guard themselves from perceived threats. You can’t accept feeling incapable because you are addicted to wearing the “mask of capability” despite the fact that it leads you toward self-destruction; the mask brings you an immediate but false sense of safety and esteem that you aren’t willing to relinquish.

You always have a choice to be your real self and present your real self to the world, but you fear your true face, because you’ve internalized the wrong value judgments and have thereby become your own worst critic. Would you say that people who are sick, disabled, or handicapped by circumstances beyond their control are totally worthless due to their incompetence? Your value system leads you to this conclusion. You have conflated your self-worth with mere competence. You have a misguided IDEA that you want to be a “capable” and “independent” person who never has to experience any negativity nor succumb to any influence. Why? Because all you see in yourself is someone who’s weak, stupid, and pathetic, and you don’t want to be that. You cling to the illusion that it’s possible for you to be perfect because you can’t face the painful truth that you aren’t. The more you cling to the false image, the more suffering you cause yourself.

The truth is that you are indeed weak, stupid, and pathetic. Hurtful? Not at all. All humans have frailty that makes them weak at times. All humans have ignorance that makes them stupid at times. All humans have suffering that makes them pathetic at times. Existence contains multitudes. When I look upon a weak, stupid, and pathetic person, I feel compassion because I know how it feels to be there, and I hope that people feel compassion for me whenever I’m there. You, however, can’t accept the reality of your humanity, so you hate yourself; then the more you hate yourself, the more weak, stupid, and pathetic you feel; then the more weak, stupid, and pathetic you feel, the more you hate yourself. Endless cycle of negativity. The more you try to run from negativity, the more you trap yourself in it and lose yourself to darkness. The more you sink into darkness, the more your self-hate bleeds into hatred of others or the world at large.

Until you understand that being a good and worthy person is not equivalent to one-dimensional “perfection”, the cycle of self-loathing continues on. You can’t have healthy Ni when you are unable/unwilling to change the false images that you are desperate to believe in and aim for. You can’t have healthy Fe when your moral values are twisted such that you are unable/unwilling to look upon humanity with empathy and compassion. You can’t have healthy Ti when low self-worth twists your every judgment into irrationally negative criticism. You can’t have healthy Se when you can’t face the reality of what you are.

You keep believing that turning yourself into your fake image of perfection is going to exempt you from pain and criticism. It won’t, even if perfection were possible. You will never be free of pain as long as you are alive because life necessarily includes loss and failure. You will never be exempt from criticism because there is always something new to learn in order to do better and be better throughout life. But you can choose to face up to reality bravely, you can learn to handle the painful side of life with grace and compassion, and you can take criticism constructively and make progress. Care facilitates growth, hatred facilitates violence. Growing has its pains but also its rewards, whereas violence is constant suffering. You always have a choice to care for yourself or hate yourself; one promotes well-being, the other self-destruction, so choose wisely. 

I'm an isfj. I know someone with serious mental illness and I don't feel very compassionate when I hear about his life. I feel pity, I feel very helpless/powerless and angry, I feel guilty, or I feel uncomfortable and want to turn away coz it's scary that people's lives can go really badly. I feel really selfish being like that and I don't want to be this kind of person. How can I nurture more compassion?

Hi! You often say unhealthy Ni ends up unhinged from Se reality, and needs to check back in with concrete facts so it's not in fairy land. My question is - isn't that encouraging NJs to use weak Se? How is an NJ meant to know if their Ni is unhealthy when sensors often think they're crazy (even after it turns out the NJ has been right)? Does one instance of being right over others indicate your Ni is possibly healthy? I don't want to be arrogant and off the planet... shouldn't Ni kinda let an NJ know deep down if they're unhinged from reality? - infj torn between Ni and Fe opinions, especially regarding big decisions.

Hi MBTI-notes! I'm a 30F INFJ and have a question for you. I'm at the age where most of my peers are settling down, marrying and some even have children of their own. Yet, as much as I'd like this too, I am unable to work up the courage and take the plunge as emotions grow quite intense for me. Last year, I left a toxic relationship with an INFP (from love letters to abuse, in therapy) and I'm happy being single. But I have in recent months silently grown a crush on a 31M INFP who I know from before and to whom I've confessed my feelings, although I currently prefer to keep it platonic, and he seems to like me and accepts this. Issuing boundaries, however, seem to have reinforced my infatuation of him. Given our career choices, we live and work in different countries and cannot travel leisurely during the pandemic, as well. The point I wish to raise is how do I go about to deciding he is/not for me and in the event where he were for me, how would I lower the walls to let him in? I have never fallen in love, only had crushes as this makes me feel very delicate and tend to tuck these feelings into a dark corner, mainly due to past disappointments and the intensity of my feelings which occasionally get in the way of my job (which is important to me too). Thank you kindly!

I always seem to attract men who end up cheating or not emotionally available. I'm an infj in my late twenties. What do you believe are red flags in a relationship and what are you supposed to look for in a healthy relationship? I'm asking because most of my life I've had very few close relationships with even family and have no idea what healthy relationships look like.

I don’t like to speak in generalizations but rather prefer to examine the specifics of each relationship to understand what went wrong. If forced to go with “generally speaking”, you unconsciously attract the people that you believe will meet your psychological needs. However, if you’re not in touch with your psychological needs (and many people aren’t), then, instead, you’ll end up attracting the people that you unconsciously believe will help you protect/boost your ego and its accompanying worldview. 

Generic example: People who suffer serious trust issues often end up attracting liars/cheaters. Why? As an insecure or “distrustful” person, their worldview is all about suspicion and FEARING the worst in people. By getting betrayed over and over again, they can keep confirming and reinforcing their fearful worldview over and over again, and thus feel justified in keeping emotional distance (”see, I already knew that people are liars”). In other words, the liars/cheaters serve an ego purpose because they are easily used as an excuse to keep oneself hidden behind distrust; the relationships provide justification for keeping the walls up and even making them ever higher. Even if the S.O. isn’t a cheat/liar but only emotionally unavailable, the same principle applies. Since THEY aren’t emotionally available, they won’t challenge YOU to be more emotionally available than is comfortable for you, thus keeping you safely tucked in your comfort zone.

Another generic example: If you are inexperienced in relationships or perhaps TOO trusting, you might also attract liars/cheats because they easily take advantage of your naivete. It’s easy for manipulators to sweet talk you and present their most charming face, only to reveal their dark side later on. If someone is intent on acting the part, you might not be able to detect the lie at first, and that’s not your issue - you must enter a relationship in good faith, willing to trust. But, if it keeps happening again and again, then you have to reflect on why you are so easily “charmed” by them and what that says about you and your level of self-esteem. Naivete often correlates with the tendency to fantasize. If you often fantasize about being “swept off your feet” and that’s how you naively conceptualize love, then you’re out of touch with reality and easily fooled by anyone who can utter just the right words to ease your insecurities.  

It’s not “your fault” for attracting problematic people; it’s not useful to lay blame like that and beat yourself up for “failing”. However, if you don’t want to repeat negative patterns, it’s important to examine the ways in which your relationship problems reflect your personal psychological development problems. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you too naive or too trusting? Are your ideas about love pure fantasy? Do you have reasonable expectations? Are you looking for “mom” or “dad” because you believe yourself an orphan? Are you merely looking for someone to validate you (because you dislike yourself), take care of you (because you’re lazy/incompetent), praise your beauty (because you feel ugly), affirm you (because you’re insecure), and so on?

What to look for in a healthy relationship? Well, for starters, a healthy relationship should have a moral basis, which means that people should not be doing immoral things to each other. Do you have strong moral values that serve as relationship boundaries with regard to what kind of treatment/behavior you’re willing to tolerate? I’ve already written about red flags before, do a search. These topics are huge when you really “have no idea”, I suggest you read about relationship skills, check the resources page for title recommendations. If you are inexperienced in the relationship department, you should study the subject just as you would any other. Are relationships not as important as math or science, subjects that you devote years to studying? Do you expect to be good at something as complicated as relationships without any earnest learning and practice?

When meeting a person for the first time, what does each function look for to decide if they like the person?

Keep in mind that 1) people do not only use one function, and 2) not everyone knows how to use their four functions in a healthy way.