anyone here a fool?? anyone here stupid??

How resourceful

It doesn’t matter what you do it still looks like a cock.

That’s it for this week, goodnight.

If anyone’s needing a laugh, have a look at all these dick shaped cakes 😂

How can I reblog this a million times?  The 1% are master manipulators.

The existence of another poor person is not why you’re poor.

please watch brooklyn nine nine

Optimistic nihilism only lads

The universe is an open ended sandbox rpg. There’s no end goal. You can only get achievements. Some of them include making other people happy

I will reblog this until you’re all sick of me

I will never grow sick of this

Just hope they go out and vote

i’m laughing so hard because they really put pennywise on the stairs in this promo image, making this movie look like some political drama that also just happens to star a clown

The law and order sound but the second beat is a clown honk

This is why baby boomers think we can pay for school while having a part time job

If you were curious, that’s $714.33 in 2018 numbers.

It’s also approximately what I make for two weeks’ Labor.

me: *starts eating healthy and drinking water* oh wow this is actually really nice and fun. 

me: 

me:

me: I SAID THIS IS REALLY NICE

brain: oh right. heres some dopamine for the bare minimum u basic ass bitch

me: thank u 

a video compilation of me attempting to do anything

I have tears literally everywhere I haven’t laughed this hard in so long. Who thought of this, I want to marry them and shake their hands 

It has come to my attention that Aquaman (2018) is just a shameless ripoff of the Mattel classic, Barbie: A Mermaid Tale.

We have the child of a mermaid queen and a regular human guy 

who was brought up in the human world as a free spirit,

who talks to sea creatures,

who is fated to take over the throne of an underwater kingdom (where all the buildings are round and mushroom-y)

which is currently being occupied by an evil, power-hungry relative

with an army of sharks

And their unique position, straddling the human world and the underwater world, is at first a burden but ends up being their greatest strength

… I’m just saying

So what you’re saying is, basically, Aquaman is a Barbie Princess. Fair enough.

Oh I’m an asshole.

So today pulling into Stop and Shop, this lady cut me off and nearly drove into me, and then, when I tried to pass her, she swung to the right and nearly hit me again, and then flipped me off.

So somebody is having a bad day and taking it out on me. That’s fine. It’s harmless, and I don’t know what’s going on in this woman’s life. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt she’s not just a piece of shit and is just having a bad day.

But then I park and she follows me, and gets out of the car and starts swearing at me and getting in my face.

Now I go from “indifferent” to “I’m gonna fuck with this woman’s head.” Now I would say I’m a gentleman of size, and in all black and bemohawked I probably look spookier than I actually am, so props to this lady for getting in my face. Now of course I’m not going to hit her, or even threaten violence. That’s shitty. Nobody should get threatened with violence.

Instead, I take a step back, narrowing my eyes like I’m studying her face really closely, and then I touch one of the several piece of “occulty” jewelry I’m wearing (none of which, by the way, are magicked in any way at all). Then I mumble some nonsense under my breath, and then make the fig gesture and the horns at her.

She stops, wide-eyed.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?”

I chuckled, and shake my head. “Nothing at all.” I say in a not-terrible convincing voice. “But every time something bad happens to you today, you’re gonna be thinking of me.”

Then I winked at her, and walked away.

Ok but I wanna play 😭☹️

Me too 😭

This needs to be on ESPN

Why this shit look fun as fuck?

This looks awesome oh shit!!!!

I was on the EDGE of my seat

But it sep-

SPOOKY SEASON IS HERE

SPOOKS

SPOOKY SPOOKS

The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horror movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it’s honestly a waste that my entire life isn’t constantly recorded on film because it would be HILARIOUS

1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the trail, so instead I just turned around and went home.

2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log, but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we just put it back and didn’t talk about it again.

3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized “wait it’s dark as fuck” so I just held still until the guy gave up and left.

4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up, but then he got caught stealing girl’s underwear a day later and I never saw him again

5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver’s side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out

6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he’d locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so I told him “you know that sounds super suspicious right” and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead

7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the guy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn’t follow me onboard

8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until I put him back outside and never saw him again.

9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me ‘piñata’ and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie cause he finally got caught torturing animals

10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks

11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped

12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home

13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play ‘bloody mary’ in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said “no thanks” and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead.

14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of… locked up forever and never go near

15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360º spin with nobody touching it, so I said ‘that was neat’ and never ate there again

16. The time I took a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing I’d ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn’t even leave a bruise so idk be nice to birds

the day that tumblr removed the ability to edit posts because Mr Tumblypoos complained about the taste of cock edit is the day this website took a permanent turn for the worst

but god fucking damn what a way to go out

I’m at a wealthy middle-aged christmas party with my best friend a woman came up to me and said “you have to try the gouda” and I said “is it firm?” and she said “yes I wouldn’t have anything less” and we both threw our heads back and laughed and I’m still not sure why

wheres that pic from parks and rec. you all know the one

yES