Dancing has always been your option to escape this cruel world that we live in.
You've always danced your heart out everytime you perform.
And it has always been there whenever you can't express your feelings to others.
"Okay! We're done now!" Your choreographer yelled right after your newest title track ended.
Your group dropped onto the floor right after you got the okay signal from him. Pants and gasps of your members were the only sound that surrounds the dance practice room.
"You did great y/n, I'm relieved that you're a fast learner" your choreographer said as he patted your shoulder, you shot him a tired smile then mumbled a "thank you", "You guys are good to go right after cleaning up the dance practice room, the room is needed for later" your members immediately took their bags and started cleaning the room.
"Hey y/n! Are you coming with us? We'll head to the dorm right after cleaning" one of your members said, Chaeryoung to be exact, as she picked up the pieces of the group's snacks earlier. "Nah, you guys get going, I still have rap lessons later", Chaeryoung nodded and went straight to the door with the other members following behind her.
"Take care y/n, we don't want our newest member to not feel well before our comeback, alright?" Your leader, Yeji said as she sling her bag on her shoulder and head towards the door. "Will do, Unnie, you guys take care too!" They waved for the last time before shutting the door behind you.
You still can't believe that you had been added as 6th member of ITZY right after you auditioned from a year ago. You've worked hard to become an idol and now you're here, you know that you needed to work harder than you did. That's why you wanted to left behind, because you wanted to improve more.
You move towards the speaker to play your title track from it's beginning and ran towards the mirror, posing your position and danced all your heart out.
When the music ended, the door suddenly slammed open leaving a squeak from your lips and watched the door with your brows meeting together.
"Oh, Hey y/n! Didn't know you'd still be here!" You smiled at the people as they start to come inside the room one by one, making the room filled with voices again.
"Hey Jisung Oppa, sorry, I totally forgot that you were using the room after us".
"It's fine! You can still continue practicing, we just came here to eat our dinner, our practice has been cancelled" Jeongin said as he skipped towards the sofa then dropped his bag.
"Is that why Chan Oppa is not with you?" You walked towards them, Minho nodded at you then started to ramble about how the oldest is not taking care of himself again.
Chan was your secret lover, he helped you ever since you moved to Seoul year ago. You both got close and even letting you hide in his studio whenever you don't feel like going back to your dorms. It was that time where you got insecure because of how people see you as a person who doesn't have any emotions.
You aren't actually the kind of person who hides their emotions in front of other people, instead you let out all of your emotions a lot that they often found you as a prey. But as you realized their intentions, you started to become numb, putting walls around you as you meet the old and new faces you've seen in your life.
Only Chan, his members, also known as Stray Kids and your own members, ITZY are the only people who have seen your crazy side, and with you debuting on ITZY, means that the public needs to see your crazy side too, and that what made you overthink about you being an idol.
Chan was the one who came into your mind, and when you told him your worries, he accidentally confessed to you while he comforted you which made you stop crying, he got worried and apologized over and over until he felt your lips against his.
And after that, you never doubted yourself again.
"Can you check on him, y/n? Tell him that the food's on it's way"
"Sure thing, be right back" you walk towards the door then went inside the floor's elevator to your boyfriend's studio.
The boys knew your relationship with their leader, and they're very happy to welcome you in their circle of friends. Since they now have known the oldest weakness, which is you, they don't mind abusing it knowing that it's also for their leader's health.
You and Chan knew that when you enter in a relationship as an idol, it would mean that you two need to be more careful since you haven't even debuted yet and dating one of the well known leader in 4th generation of kpop history. So it means, less time being and seeing each other, but whenever you got the chance to go and visit him in the studio, you would. Even if you need to sacrifice hours of your sleep toย see him.
Because that's what made you both stronger and desired each other more.
Right?
As the elevator dinged, you step outside and walk towards the all known studio that your CEO gave your boyfriend to work on their music.
You opened the door knowing that he'll be wearing headphones, his back facing you with the sounds of keypads tapping filled the studio.
But instead you were welcomed with Chan's back facing you and a girl sitting on his lap, her moans and Chan's groans filled the studio along with their skin slapping.
The door you opened slammed on the wall, making your boyfriend and the girl stopped what they're doing, their closed eyes before are now wide open as they looked at you standing in the studio's door.
You ran outside the studio heading towards the elevator before your vision becomes blurry by the mixed emotions you're feeling at the moment. You hear Chan calling your name behind you but you have no plans on talking to him right now.
Good thing that a staff of the company stepped outside the elevator, you went inside and pushed the dance practice floor quickly. Chan chased after you but the elevator doors closed right in front of him.
As the door closed, you lean back against the elevator wall, stared at the door then tilted your head while looking at your blurred reflection in front of you.
You've been through this already, having your heart shattered by guys before Chan came into your life. He knew about those experiences you had which is why it is hard for you to pinpoint your emotions at him.
Are you mad at him because he knows you like the back of his hand?
Are you mad at him because of what you've seen in his studio?
Or are you mad at yourself because you trusted him with taking care of you heart?
You couldn't care less anymore now. He broke his promise that he will take care of you. It's not new to you anymore, but the pain that Chan had cause you to feel it again, and made your numb self worse than you are before.
So when the elevator dinged to know that you've arrived on the dance practice floor, you shook your head to clear your head with thoughts and went to the boys who are inside the room before.
As you opened the door, heads were turned and you immediately noticed that your members are with the boys. When Yeji saw you she ran towards you and gave you your in-ear monitors.
"Y/N! Manager oppa said that JYP needed to see your performance with us now since their practice are cancelled" Yeji pointed at the Stray Kids members who are sitting on the floor quietly eating their dinner.
"Y/n-ya, where's Chan hyung? Did you told him that the food's here?" Hyunjin asked you as Lia helped you with your in ear monitor and handing your mic.
Before you even got the chance to answer, the dance room's door opened again to reveal JYP, along with your choreographer and your boyfriend, who's head is hanging low while following the two older men inside the room.
Your members and Chan's stood up to greet the three as JYP told the Stray Kids to continue eating as your group start to prepare for your performance in front of him.
"I want to see the dance performance that you prepared, Y/n-ssi. Sorry for the sudden announcement of your evaluation, you needed to be verified that you're qualified to become the part of ITZY," JYP explained your situation while Ryujin went to the computer to prepare your music.
You saw Chan at the corner of your eye as you assured the CEO that it was okay and asked you about your performance in your lessons. You couldn't bring yourself to smile at the man who was talking to you, so you just nod and answered his questions before he asked you to move towards the mirror to look at your performance.
You walked towards in front of the mirror and looked at your friends who was cheering you silently, smiling at you as your eyes landed on Chan, which you shrugged and close your eyes to yourself focus on your performance.
This is what you've been waiting for, now those emotions that you can't express, you can finally show it to them. You should be nervous performing in front of the owner of the company, but you let your emotions take over you, letting everything go and make sure that Chan is listening.
Do you remember you remember (Said)
Remember what you said (Said)
You started talking to me
As if you would give anything to me
Donโt you remember you remember
Remember what you said (Said)
Then you changed
As if you took special pills
Cast blue, my blurred vision
Is this true? You wonโt regret this?
My yesterday, my boo boo boo
Lonely life, I like it
I swallowed the water, I got cold
I want you to be ruined, I wonโt hold you
You were my yesterday, my boo boo boo
Lonely life, good bye
You look at me with cold eyes
You see me and turn as if you didnโt know me
I just stand here vacantly
I see you who I didnโt know
I canโt help laughing
Now I donโt know you anymore
Iโll forget you woo woo woo
Go away, donโt even look back
Iโll erase you woo woo woo
Go away, donโt even look back
The mixed emotions that you've been bottling in from the events hours ago has suddenly came over to you. You suddenly felt like a new person, you feel like you were the only one watching yourself dance into the rhythm.
When the music stops, you hear applause from your right side, realizing that they've been watching all along. After you give your bow, JYP confirmed that you will be debuting as the 6th member of ITZY and will prepare immediate comeback for your group. You give your thank you's and bowed at your choreographer and the CEO, who is now exiting the room, leaving you with your members, Stray Kids and Chan.
Oh, right. Bang Chan was watching you.
You were pulled into a hug by your members, squealing and congratulating you for being able to debut and join alongside with them. Stray Kids joined in congratulating you for your hard work, but you weren't responding, you weren't happy, you finally became an idol, but why does it feel like nothing?
"Y/n, I'm so sorry please let me explaโ"
You turn your back on him and went towards where your backpack is, you took off your in ear monitor and put it inside your bag before you sling it on your shoulder and looked at your friends.
"I'll be going now, enjoy your dinner", you said in a cold tone and walk towards the door.
"Y/n, please talk to me," Chan grabs your wrist tightly with his two hands, you heard his voice shaking, realizing his mistake.
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Yes, there is! Please! Don't leave me, I won't do it again!" You heard Chan starting to cry, your wrist now wet because of his tears falling.
"I only asked you a promise Chan", you said, your back facing him.
"I know, and I am sorry, I wasn't thinking straight, I should've never done it." He pulled you into him, hugging you from behind.
"But please, don't leave me, I can't live without you" he continued as he put his head at the crook of your neck. You hold his arms to let yourself go from him and turn around to look at him.
His black curly locks that you used to play with are messy, his eyes and nose are red because of crying, cheeks that are stained of with his tears, shaking lips as he continue to cry in front of you. Chan wasn't looking at you, he was hanging his head low but enough for you to see his state.
You would've forgive him. But the image of him and the girl earlier keeps flashing back into your head, giving yourself more reason to shut yourself from everyone else.
Now you can't feel anything, you're just there standing in front of him; blank face, your eyes that always holds stars are now just brown orbs filled with darkness and your lips pressed on a line that used to smile back then.
"Then good luck finding a way to live then, Bang Chan Sunbaenim," you bowed and walked away from him.
