Yeah

Well

Still here

Unfortunately

Was hoping I’d just die in my sleep

But no

Of course I didn’t

Of course I’m still alive

Of course I’m still lonely and broken

With nothing and no one

Why the fuck am I still here?

Just got out of the hospital today…

I feel a bit better

I don’t really know

But I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in three days

So I guess we’ll see

Maybe I’ll stop trying to kill myself

Or maybe it’ll unlock unknown trauma

I don’t know

I don’t even really care right now, to be honest

One day at a time I guess

I didn’t think I’d lose her

I didn’t think it was an unforgivable mistake

I didn’t think I’d lose everything

But I did

And I’ve never been so lonely and isolated

I’ve never wanted to die like this before

This kind of pain came out of nowhere

And somehow losing someone who’s still alive feels worse than when my mom died

I feel so intensely and deeply throughout each day

I’m so exhausted

I just want a break from feeling

I just want to

Disappear

Because I don’t belong here

She’s made it clear that I don’t belong with her either

I’m just here

Meaningless

I’m trying to find the good, or a sign to point me in some kind of direction

And I even tried creating my own kind of sign

Yeah…

Somehow even that one turned into ‘kill your self’

I am actively searching and trying to move on

But…

For what?

What’s the point?

She’s not coming back

She’s gone

My family is fucked up and i am absolutely miserable

And no one even wants me here

I don’t want me here

Please

Just let me die already

There literally is no point in keeping me alive

It’s not going to ‘hurt’ anyone

Or ‘traumatize’ them

It’s not going to make anyone have ‘sudden regret’ or ‘feelings’ for me

Please just let me die already

Please

I’m stupid and weak

There’s nothing left for me

I’ve got no one, nothing

So why do I still wake from my sleep?

$10,000,000 but you wouldn’t wake up the next day

I would take it in a second and simply give it away

Like I said I’m stupid and weak

And that would be perfect for me

I wouldn’t have another failed attempt, it would actually happen

And everyone wouldn’t even care, they wouldn’t even notice

And I think that’s special, a special kind of shitty

That I wouldn’t be missed and no one would care about me

Like I get it, I’m nothing which is why she left

So why fucking try to survive and prolong my inevitable death?

I finally had someone who cared, who loved me - or so I would think

But the fact after five years, she would just up and leave is amazing to me

Five years means nothing to her, probably just a blip

In a year or two, our memories will fade from her mind, she’ll forget

Which is fine because I don’t matter even now

I’m just a fuck up who lets everyone down

I don’t get a second chance, never did get one so why’d I hope for one with her?

Because it was five years married and i had planned to finally get better

But she didn’t care about my words, didn’t want to see me again

Now she says she’d only check her phone on Tuesdays, hell we aren’t even friends

I lost everything and everyone I ever cared about

I hope they hear me when I can no longer say words out loud

When my heart stops and my body fades to gray

I hope that someone better is born into my place