Ha ha seriously tho.
I needed to hear this right now. <3
My new favorite post.
As someone who finished her undergrad at 40, I feel this later update. Take your time. Progress made at any speed is progress.
One of the baristas at a nearby Starbucks makes me lose my mind every time I’m working there by saying things that are not outside the spectrum of normal human words but are just slightly off-the-wall.
Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, home of delicious, what deliciousness can I put in motion for you today?
Customer: … Can I get a trenta pink drink please?
Barista: Go big or go home, we here at Starbucks appreciate your commitment, what else can I get started for you?
***
Customer: Nitro cold brew with shots of espresso please.
Barista: Brave of you to commit to staying awake for three days, anything else today?
***
Barista: *slams open drive-thru window* HI HOW ARE YOU?
Customer: …I’m pretty good.
Barista: Are you ready to be even better? Because you’re about to be. *hands them their coffee*
***
Barista, realizing that a drink was made wrong: *slams open window* SO how do you feel about surprises?
Customer: ….they’re okay.
Barista: Great because I’m about to give you one.
***
Barista: You have two drinks so I am going to hand you two straws which means, FANTASTIC news, these straws double as drumsticks. / You have one drink so I am going to hand you one straw and, promise not to tell anyone, this straw doubles as a magic wand.
***
Barista: Here are those cake pops, I plucked them fresh from the tree myself.
***
Barista: *slams open window, holding drink* Amazing, fantastic, delicious, you are a very lucky man/woman!
***
Barista, realizing drink is being delayed or remade: Looks like it’s gonna be just one minute so they have time to put the extra love in.
***
Barista: I’ll be with you in one hot second. *beat* WOW that second sure was hot!
Anyway she has a few dozen catchphrases she rotates appropriately and it’s both distracting and fantastic to listen.
She sounds like a fuckin riot and I want to tell her she’s doing amazing
I threw a dog on the ground today 😭😭😭
I am embarrassed by how hard this made me laugh.
…..does this mean cat people hurl cats at the ground?
you just kind of… open ur arms and they sort themselves out. if you try and place them down they get mad and wiggle and make everything worse
some friends of mine have the most un-cat-ish cat i have ever met
my quintessential example of this:
i was holding him in my arms petting him while we were picking out what games to play that night. when we’d decided on a few, i needed to put the cat down in order to, you know, carry boxes. so i started letting him down, expecting that he’d eventually do the cat hop thing… but he never did.
i ended up lowering him all the way to the floor. and even then he never got his feet under him. i just sort of… plopped him down on his side as he stared up at me like a betrayed sack of flour.
I saw this so clearly in my mind and I’m never going to stop laughing at betrayed sack of flour.
reblogging for betrayed sack of flour.
B e t r a y e d s a c k o f f l o u r
Oh my
Am I annoying? Yes
Do I give a fuck? Also yes I really am sorry about me all the time
You know when people say “I watched this movie because you talked about it” or “I’ve been listening to this artist because I know you like it”, tenderness
“Your water just broke” “I can see that” ”your water just broke” ”yes that is what happened” “YOUR WATER JUST BROKE!” “would you calm down, I’m the one giving birth!”
Enjoy this fluffy little bro-tp! x
“Should we start season three?”
“Is that even a question?”
Cassian chuckled as he pressed start next episode on the screen with the remote, and just as he popped open another can of beer, season three of Gilmore Girls began.
“Dean is so much better than Jess,” Feyre said, shaking her head, sipping on a bottle of water. “I mean, I don’t get why Rory doesn’t see that. Never have, never will.”
Cassian slumped back against the couch cushions as he shot her a look. “Seriously? Fuck that. Jess is a badass, Dean is too….”
Feyre blinked, smirking, waiting patiently.
“Nice,” Cassian finished, at last.
Feyre shook her head, slowly. “You would think that.”
Cassian grinned as he chugged half his beer then set it on Feyre’s giant baby bump.
Feyre stared at the can, then looked back to Cassian. “Cass, it’s not a table.”
“You said that the first ten times,” Cassian muttered, looking at the t.v. as the theme song played, “hasn’t stopped me yet.”
“I have to find new friends,” she murmured, but she was smiling, the can being left where it was until Cassian picked it back up a minute later to finish it off.
“I’m hungry,” he said, picking up his phone. “You hungry? Let’s order in.”
“I want chicken,” Feyre said, sighing. “And pizza. And chocolate milk.”
Cassian snorted. “Alright, fine. I wanted tacos, but what the pregnant woman wants, she gets, I suppose.”
“I hope that when you hold this baby for the first time, Cassian, he kicks you in the balls.”
A laugh sputtered out of Cassian’s mouth as he pulled up the food delivery app. Rhysand had to work late, and as Feyre approached her due date, she hated being alone. Cassian, as their neighbor and longest friend, always welcomed her over to binge-watch whatever and eat endless amounts of junk.
All of that ended, though, when Cassian was creating his own pizza online and Feyre gasped. Cassian’s eyes darted her direction and took in the scene. Feyre, looking surprised and slightly confused as she looked down between her crotch, where the couch was now soaked.
Cassian blinked, phone long forgotten. “Did you just piss on my couch?”
“No,” Feyre breathed.
Cassian’s eyes widened. “Shit, is this the water thing? Did your water just break?”
“I think so,” she whispered, then met Cassian’s gaze.
“Your water just broke,” he said, frozen in place.
“I can see that,” she said, trying to stand up.
But Cassian was already on his feet. “Your-Your water just broke.”
“Yes, that is what happened,” she said, laughing, pulling herself to her feet.
“YOUR WATER JUST BROKE!” he yelled, raking his fingers through his hair, starting to panic.
“Would you calm down? I’m the one giving birth!” Feyre scolded, waddling toward the door.
“Wait! Fuck.” Cassian scrolled through his phone as he hurried toward the door where Feyre was already slipping on her flip-flops. He put his phone to his ear as it rang.
Rhysand answered, just before it went to voicemail. “Hey, what’s u-”
“Feyre’s water broke, I’m bringing her to the hospital,” Cassian blurted, words rushing out of his mouth.
Feyre was laughing, quietly, as she opened the door and headed for his truck.
“WHAT!” Rhysand yelled.
“Meet us there, I have to go, I have to drive, I have to puke,” Cassian stumbled.
After Rhysand said he’ll grab the overnight bag and meet them there, Cassian grabbed his wallet and his keys and ran to the truck in the driveway. He helped the eight-month pregnant Feyre into the passenger seat before pulling himself up behind the wheel and hauling ass out of the driveway.
“Let’s go have a baby!” he yelled, banging on the steering wheel like a drum.
Feyre laughed, hands roaming her bump as she stared out the window. “You realize you’re not going to actually be in there when this kid pops out of me, right?”
“Uncle Cassian thinks otherwise,” Cassian stated, winking in her direction as he drove.
Feyre shook her head, but her eyes had softened. “Uncle Cassian,” she repeated, fondly.
Cassian reached over and took her hand, squeezing it tight. His voice was gentler when he repeated, “Let’s go have a baby.”
To be a duck and yeeted into a lake.
“Ma’am.”
Elain spun around to find another male grabbing her hand, pressing his lips to it. She forced a smile and let her hand fall back to her side.
“May I get you a drink?”
Elain sighed. If she accepted every single one of these “May I get you a drink” lines, she’d practically be a river by now. In fact, she could see another male coming towards her from her right, probably preparing to ask to get her a drink.
For a city as enchanting as Velaris, Elain thought that the males would have a little more creativity.
The male shuffled through the crowd, his eyes trained on her. Elain shifted uncomfortably to the side of the room. Gods, where was Azriel—
“My lady,” the male said, approaching her and kissing her hand. “Would you like to dance?”
“I—” Elain started, then stopped. A small whisper of a shadow flickered around her dress. Azriel. She scanned the crowd for him, spotting him in the opposite corner.
Talking to a female with luscious brown locks, smiling.
Since when did the Shadowsinger smile at a female at a ball?
A sharp feeling coursed through her, painful and unwelcome. When had Azriel smiled at her like that?
She hated herself for caring so much.
But she did anyway.
Perhaps that feeling had never been returned.
“My lady?” the male inquired again, fiddling with his hands. Elain turned back to him, jaw clenched and eyes glittering.
“Yes! I’d love to dance,” she replied loudly, and generously beamed at the male. Fine. Let Azriel talk to his female. The male grinned, leading her to the center of the ballroom. She mindlessly stepped to the tune of the lively music, eyes glancing towards Azriel. He and the female were still deep into their conversation, the female nodding and laughing.
Elain knew it wasn’t any of her business, but she couldn’t help but wonder what had made Azriel smile.
She couldn’t help the jolt of envy and hot anger that took over her thoughts.
As the song finished, the male go her of her, bowing low. Elain barely finished curtsying back before turning to make her way to the door.
And bumped into a black-clad mass with wings.
Azriel.
She huffed in frustration and stared up at him, finding an amused smile spreading its way across his face. Elain tried to dodge to his right, but he blocked her with an arm. She gave a resigned grunt and sat back on her heels.
She didn’t need to deal with this right now.
Azriel looked down at Elain, nostrils flaring. Elain knew he could scent every single male who had kissed her hand and asked to get her a drink tonight. She savored the growl that ripped out of Azriel.
Did he truly care? Or had that door closed long before she had ever opened hers?
“Are you alright?” he asked, looking in conflict with himself. Battling something. Elain raised her eyebrows.
“Yes! I’m absolutely fine! Wonderful!” Elain blurted, the lightness of her reply forced and high-pitched.
Azriel took her hand, his eyes swirling with some unplaced emotion. Elain cocked her head at him.
“Elain, may I have the honor of dancing with you?” Azriel asked, his voice low. His eyes never left hers.
Elain laughed disbelievingly. “Why don’t you ask her instead?”
Azriel’s eyebrows furrowed, his hands slacking. He looked stunned. “Who?”
Elain gestured wildly, her hands flinging into the air. “The female you were just talking to! I bet she’d love to trip all over your polished boots.”
The Shadowsinger blinked at her, shaking his head. He placed a finger under her chin and softly turned Elain’s head towards him. “Elain, that was Ary. She was asking me about you.”
“Right, because she totally couldn’t just ask me herself,” Elain remarked, rolling her eyes. She turned her head sharply away from Azriel’s touch.
“She runs the jewelry shop three blocks down from Feyre’s studio,” Azriel explained. His cheeks turned slightly pink. “I was doing some shopping there before this, and she wanted to know about who I was buying everything for.”
Elain blinked at Azriel. The angry fire in her flickered away, replaced by soft shadows. “I—you-you don’t need to buy—”
“Please,” Azriel said softly. Please don’t tell me you don’t want it. Please let me do something for you. Please dance with me tonight. “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding.”
She stared down at Azriel’s beautiful, scarred hands, one of them still extended to her in invitation.
Az said roughly, “I promise, I won’t ask if I can get you a drink.”
Elain laughed, a bright, tinkling sound, and took Azriel’s hand. She pulled him close and gazed up at him as they swayed to the music, now more melodious than before.
And that smile he gave her as he watched her in his embrace, shy but loving...she knew that that smile was only for her. His Seer and his light.
Hands
by Helena Goddard
this is social anxiety summed up in two gifs
This is an actual, legit problem in Russia.
Kronotsky Nature Reserve, like most nature reserves, is pretty remote and relies on gas generators for electricity, and keeps jet fuel around in case a rescue copter is needed.
Thing is, these gas drums are just out in the open. And then the bears found them, and discovered that huffing the fumes got them high to the point of passing out. So now there are all these bears addicted to huffing jet fuel, and they’re teaching it to each other.
One one hand, nobody wants bears addicted to huffing highly flammable, toxic crap. It’s not healthy or safe for the bears to just pass out.
On the other, remove the jet fuel… and you have a population of bears going through drug withdrawal, and a bunch of nature reserve workers stuck with them in the middle of nowhere. Additionally, bears have started seeking alternate sources, like trailing behind a helicopter in hopes of fuel leaks, so taking away their source might be… ill advised.
This one of the most Russian things I’ve ever read.
warnings: drinking, mentions of drugs, sex
~~~
Tonight was the last night of Aelin’s life.
Perhaps that was a tad dramatic.
Tonight was the last night of Aelin’s life as a single woman.
It was a strange and unnerving thought. That by this time tomorrow she would be engaged to a man she had never met, and then, in a few months, would be married to him. Forever. For-godsdamned-ever. It took everything Aelin had in her to not make herself sick at the thought.
wow i wonder if that 300 year gap could be explained by any outside factors…….whoa! for some reason it lines up with the timeline of britain’s invasion and subsequent colonization of ireland! wild, huh? i wonder if the two are connected in some way? i guess the world will never know….
This was in place till 1973.
Seeing non irish people reblogging this makes me happy
