jag vill bara krama dig igen jag vill bara hålla dig igen jag vill bara höra dig andas igen
Jag vill inte sova bara för igen att se dig drömma
jag vill "bara"! säger jag
men allt detta är det som driver mitt hjärta
I just want to hug you again I just want to hold you again I just want to hear you breathe again
I do not want to sleep just for again seeing you dream
"just"! I say
but it is all that drives my heart
En gång var jag en En gång var jag två Vi blev en två gånger En gång blev vi hen En gång blev vi mig Sanna jag
En gång var jag två En gång var jag en Vi blev en igen En gång blev hen hen En gång blev jag mig Skadade jag
En gång var jag en En gång var jag två Jag dör en död, varje gång En gång lämnade hen mitt liv Varje gång så känner jag forfarande hen
Once I was one Once I was two We became one two times One time we became them One time we became me True me
Once I was two Once I was one We became one again One time they became them One time I became me Hurt me
Once I was one Once I was two I die, once for each time One time when they left my life Everytime I still feel them
Yesterday one year ago I went to the psychiatric emergency room. Thinking about this is weird because it feels so far away… I think about the condition I was in…
I think about how I stood in our kitchen and had the ultimate urge to stab a knife into my stomach right in front of my flatmates. I think about how intense and transgressive I self-harmed the same night just to cope with hyper-intense and graphical suicidal thoughts.
I remember the depersonalization on my way to the ER and sitting there on the floor, completely dissociated and not knowing what happens around me. I remember how they brought me up to the bedroom and that the feeling of wanting to die did not leave me. I remember the pills they gave me and how I had to sit in front of the nurse room until the medication started to take effect.
I remember the sexual harassment towards me and the staff saying „Don’t mind about it. He is just like that“. I remember me going out and getting drunk for the first time in ages because I had no way to cope with all of that. I remember texting a friend about it, who got so worried that he called the ward, told them and me getting into serious trouble.
I remember two of my flatmates making all the way to the ward with their bikes to visit me and bring me some stuff I needed. Together we were allowed to go out for having a coffee.
I remember texting my love about what happened to me and them, so much in sorrow about my well-being, instantly wanting to come back from their trip to take care of me. I remember the endless chats until late at night in which they showed an incredible amount of love and care and were giving me so much from their energy. And I remember pushing them back, like I always did…
I remember how all that repressed things violently digged their way out of my mind, the dissociations, intrusions and nightmares. I remember the poems I wrote, the pictures I drew and me begging the doctors for help. „You are not capable of therapy, you are ways to unstable“ was their answer.
I remember how I found the survivor community on tumblr and how it felt to speak about my experiences with people who I didn’t had to explain anything to, because they knew what that shit was about. I remember the relief I got out of this and the shock about their stories and how many we are.
I remember getting a new medicine that totally fucked me up for two days and how I then denied any further medication. I remember the last meeting with a lot of doctors who I never meet before but who had strong opinions on my condition. I remember how much I lied to them, just to get out there.
I remember the excitement about following the travel route of my love online, one night before I was released and the constant flow of messages between us while the physical distance was decreasing.
I remember my crying when I came home where they were waiting for me and how I finally fell to sleep, wrapped in their arms.
I remember…
Pictures from memories
The one day You took your hand And put it into mine
The one day You found my eyes And yours got stuck
The one day Down by the river Talking to the ducks
The one day You filled up my heart And never left it again
I was really sad for some days now, because, since I had a surgery 10 days ago, I knew I couldn’t march on IWD. But my craving for being out on the streets protesting on this day was really enormous.
Yesterday I decided to - at least - try to join the start-gathering of the "Frauen* wollen Revolution" march if my body feels better. And I really could make it. Of course I exceeded my self-set time limit of 30min.
After one hour my body demanded to leave. I got so emotional about going home instead of being with all my fellow feminists that I started to cry when I was on the train.
Positive thoughts:
- The sun started to shine right when the gathering started. - I was out there even though I still struggle with body issues. - I saw a lot of nice ppl w nice thoughts written on nice posters, banners and flags. - The whole atmosphere touched my heart deeply and I feel a huge empowerment within myself. - I did a good job with taking care and balancing my physical as well as my mental needs.
I'm walking the streets at night; searching... Searching for something I can't buy at the corner shop... I watch the people passing by. It's like another world is slightly touching me. A short flash of their energy; a smell; a look; and then... it's lost. It's never dark in the city. Traffic lights. Shop lights. Cars signaling... It's an ocean of green, red, yellow, white. An ocean I drown in. Where is my night? My... darkness? Where is my midnight silence? Where are we? What is our world made of? Light? Movement? Voices? Sounds wrong to my ears... Darkness. Stillness. Silence. I'm at the center. Everything and everybody is moving around me while I'm paralyzed. The world won't stop for me. We are not friends at all. It did not welcome me... ...nor did I. Vague schemes, bordered by buildings. I never saw a free landscape. My view is always limited by bars. I take them with me, wherever I go. They are a part of myself. Not even my thoughts can pass. They get thrown back on me and their echos are resounding in my mind. Imprisoned by my self. My own hostage. Do things really get better? Or do they just change? Do I change? Who am I? I can't feel myself. Was I ever able to? My mind is spinning. Uncertainty is all I'm really sure of. Cold. There is no 'cold'. 'Cold' is a word describing the absence of thermal energy. We have words for the absentee but no words for the superabundance of things. The heat of the sun, the emptiness of space, the depth of loneliness... All this remains unworded, drowns in lame descriptions of the indescribable. I'm tired. I'm not here. I neither know where I am nor who, but for sure: I am NOT here. I'm gone. I'm in another dimension. I'm invisible... again. Only the sky can see me, only the air can touch me... I'm freezing... and... it's getting painful. The walls are coming closer and closer and soon they will catch me. And I will lose my breath... and finally... become a part of them.
...att jag inte kan vara där för dig.
Pictures from memories
I think of you waking up in your room where we built the high bed in
one side of your face slightly touched by the sunlight
eyes half closed mouth half open nose itching love set
I was tagged by @girlwidth. Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you think of me.
RULES: ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEN TAG OTHER PEOPLE YOU’D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW BETTER.
HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5’8”
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Hazel
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS AND / OR GLASSES?
I should, but I don’t do it (anymore). I was punished with glasses since I was a child and some years ago I just stopped wearing it. And it works :).
DO YOU WEAR BRACES?
No. Think I should have it on the lower jaw but its so expensive.
WHAT IS YOUR FASHION STYLE?
Black. Simple. Punky.
Oversized sweaters, long shirts, leggings, pants with all kinds of holes, shorts. Shoes are Doc Martens or sneakers (fell in love with 5.10 tbh) or when its very hot sometimes sandals. Or barefoot.
And almost always a beanie or cap.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?
Not really.
WHAT KIND OF STUDENT ARE YOU?
I love learning therefor I hated school. I like to learn things but even though I like to go into things theoretically I always have to see the practical application for my life.
I always vary between being hyper focused on something or not being able to focus at all. It depends very much on how my brain is working that day, on the learning situation itself and a lot on the way the knowledge is presented to me.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECTS?
I’m not so sure about that. There some things I deal a lot with in life and that take up most space in my thinking. These are: Psychology/mental illness, politics (feminism, animal rights, anarchism) and art (written words, drawings, paintings, installations).
I somehow like to think through things but I guess I’m not so good talking about them.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES?
Moonrise kingdom, wer früher stirbt ist länger tod, looping (2016 from Leonie Krippendorf).
WHAT ARE YOU FAVORITE PASTIMES?
I don’t know. I write sometimes and draw, but when I do I always have an urge to do so to get something out. I made some music a while ago but I didn’t play for some time now.
Ah, ok. I think what I really like is going out in the nature and taking walks, especially in the woods.
DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?
I regret a lot of things. Things I did to others, things I did to myself. But most times I regret things I haven’t done.
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?
I have no idea.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED?
Yes. But I’m sure my understanding of the word ‘marriage’ is very different from most peoples.
DO YOU WANT KIDS? HOW MANY?
2 years ago you would have earned the fastest “no” as answer to this question. But I meet a very special person some time ago and even though they don’t want to have children (and I also still think how I, who can’t even take responsibility for myself should take care of a kid), the first time in my life I got used to the thought.
HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED?
Norway (visiting somebody), Sweden (visiting somebody), India (working and a little holiday), Poland (visiting somebody). I’m really not a traveling/exploring person and I need a reason to go somewhere.
I think it is a lot because I’m so scared of people and the lack of a dedicated safe space for myself in a foreign place.
WHAT WAS YOUR SCARIEST DREAM?
No comment.
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Not sure. Somehow yes, somehow no. It’s difficult atm.
PUT YOUR PLAYLIST ON SHUFFLE AND WITHOUT SKIPPING LIST THE FIRST 15 SONGS
Weird thing (I guess): I have no playlist.
I’m extremly moody when it comes to listen to music and I tend to listen to one specific artist then. I like a lot of stuff and everything has its time but, Idk, I have absolute no ‘all time favourites’.
I’m tagging @badsurvivor, @becoming—lovely, @batterkind and @kalifragisch.
I will always love you.
Whatever is going to happen, I will never ever even be able to forget you.
I hope you will understand this. I hope you will trust in this.
I hope you can always keep this in mind, no matter what the future will bring.
I don’t know how much is left of me right now. I don’t know how much further I will get.
I came a long way and the majority of it in the very recent past.
Every path will end somewhere, thats for sure.
I don’t know where this will be, but…
…it feels like I already can smell the sea.
I am still searching for the right key. If you have some ideas where to look, please hit me up @lizoma.
It’s nighttime and I can’t stop thinking.
My thoughts take me away to long gone places.
And all of a sudden I get aware what things must have been about, back then, when I just wished to be a part of you again.
I am able to feel now what I couldn’t name then, what I couldn’t even allow myself to admit.
It holds me awake.
From a distance, from an elevated viewpoint, I can see the open land now.
All these situations where you directly showed your disgust and revulsion towards me.
I’m getting hit by the little and big things you said, things you did and most of all the things you haven’t done.
Now I get it.
Years of emotional numbness, demandant self-condemnation and the absolute willingness to understand have past.
Unsolved, unheard, unanswered.
But tonight, sleepless from memories, wandering through my mind, the explanation for all that happened is showing up directly in front of myself:
All you ever felt for me was nothing but hate.