Why don’t people talk about Freddie Mercury more like

this man

was fucking

incredible

and couldn’t have given 

less of a shit

of peoples opinion on him

in conclusion

Freddie Mercury

is one of the most amazing people

to walk this earth.

for some reason in my (cursed? blessed?) sims game i am able to invite the grim reaper to parties, and now he regularly shows up even if i don’t invite him. he often brings ceviche. normal quality. he’s a decent party guest except for the fact that the only interaction you can have with him is to slow dance. naturally i made one of my sims slow dance with him, which gave him the notification ‘we have a lot in common! id love to get to know you better’. so anyway, a couple of days and parties later, it’s 6 am and my sim gets a phone call. it’s death. he wants to know if i want to go on a date. 

naturally my sim accepts. death takes him to the school stadium in the rain and stands outside, unable to be interacted with, while a thought bubble containing my sim’s face pops up over his head for a simlish hour, over and over again, carrying a rainbow umbrella while my sim sits on the ground and considers the hollowness of life. 

remembering that all i can do is slow dance with him, i drive him to moonlight point, where there’s a couch and a record player, and i slow dance with him for about 5 hours. every 2 seconds he steps on my sims’ foot, to the point where it was hard to get decent pictures of them actually slow dancing. 

after a while my sim got hungry so i let him go drink some juice, and death went and started reading a book on a couch. i went and sat next to him, wondering if there would be any new interactions since you get different ones when you sit on a couch or bench, and lo and behold i discovered, not only can you slow dance with death, you can also cuddle with him. naturally i did so because the quality of dates is determined by the number of positive social interactions you have with someone, and slow dancing unfortunately doesn’t give you any of those, but cuddling does. anyway, once you start the cuddling animation, you get fancy new options like kiss and make out, so my sim spent the next six hours making out with death on a shitty couch at the beach in a thunderstorm while listening to sim!bastille. 

after a couple dozen make out sessions, a single option appeared under the Romantic… heading: ‘take a romantic photo together’. this only shows up once you’re a romantic interest of someone. i have now successfully wooed death. knowing that selecting this option would make death stand up from the couch and i likely wouldn’t be able to get him to sit again, i decided to end the date at the tender hour of 3 am (i guess death doesn’t sleep) with a kiss. it takes a while- death can’t seem to figure out where to stand or how to walk around a foosball table- but eventually i get my picture.

but apparently death doesnt like having his picture taken. 

i try to slow dance again with him, but the option has disappeared. i have committed an irreparable social faux pas. i sit on the couch again in the hopes that death will resume reading his book and i can cuddle with him again, but instead he stands in front of the bookshelf for an hour. i take a break, leaving my sim to his own devices for a while while i check in on my other sims, since one of them just went into labour. i deal with that. when i return, i find my sim drinking juice in silence with death still standing in front of the bookshelf, but he’s changed into this sick new outfit in the interim. 

beekeeper chic. finally, at 6 am, death decides he’s had enough. he will never forgive me for my social blunder of taking a selfie while lipping at his shadowy veil. he opens up his rainbow umbrella and leaves. 

the date doesn’t end until i get home. i receive no date notification. death doesn’t even deign to let me know how badly i fucked up. all i have to remember my 24 hour gay liaison with one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse is a single selfie. i hang it over my sims bed, a constant reminder to him that he has achieved ultimate goth status, and a warning to the others he dates: i have kissed death, and he never called me back.

This is how you win the sims

what an epic story

Okay but why is the sim purple with white hair

Reblog if you want a terrible, 3 sentence fan fiction in your ask, based on your url

THIS HAS OVER 40,000 NOTES AND WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES I FOUND THIS IN MY MESSAGES:

“and then i saw him walk across the room. he got very close to me and whispered “back that sass up”“

yes.

like to charge reblog to cast

2018 sucked ass but we’re not giving up y’all

Made my day.

Fun fact: This scene is from an art project called Shrek Retold, in which the movie Shrek was re-created, scene by scene, by over 200 artists of all varying levels of talent, and it’s freely available on youtube.

Have fun wasting 1,5 hours of your life.

i’ve been waiting for this my whole life

need to listen to this high, or higher i should say

Henry Mancini tries If I Fell

Dedicated to John and John

UHM.... SO....

IF YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO POST YOUR NSFW ART….

….yeah.

This is real.

I need a word that encompasses ‘maybe touched’, ‘profoundly weirded out’ and ‘…oh’.

And gleeful as fuck.  For truly, the internet is for porn.

WAIT

…….fuck it. I wonder what the pornhub pay out is like compared to patreon.

Who knew writing erotica on pornhub could be a legitimate career 😂😂😂

Pornhub is there when life gets hard and when you get fucked (by tumblr).

Awwwe pornhubs so nice

i am:

⚪️ a man

⚪️ a woman

🔘 just a poor boy

looking for:

⚪️ a man

⚪️ a woman

🔘 no sympathy

bish wtf

i’m confused

Slavic Cossack dancing known as Hopak 

Warning: Do not try this at home unless you were born with super Slavic knee strength 

THE GUY AT THE END

Ahahah it’s not just knee strength you need, friend. It’s thighs, ass, ankles, calves, you need everything from your waist down to be horrifyingly fit and toned for this.

Also core strength. So include the waist. Everything from the nipples down. 

Don’t forget absurd back flexibility

And years of work lmao