Transcript:

I’m about to expose the men. Whenever you ask a man’s height, he’ll add an inch. So if he’s 6 foot, he’ll say he’s 6’1 and if he’s 6’2, he’ll say he’s 6’3.

Not me though. I subtract 4. I say I’m 5’9. Especially when there’s other men in the room. And then I just watch them panic. Not only have you exposed his lie, but now he thinks he’s 5’3.

What I do is not a crime, but it should be.

as always l The Oatmeal l ⬇txt-edited

the best part of this post is undeniably that it was made by toby fox

This is just drip.

I'm pretty sure what they mean is the people walking around in Puppy Play masks and the like. Nice try though.

Being scandalised by pup play masks is so embarrassing it never fails to crack me up

It’s a shirtless dude in a ickle little goofy leather doggy-woggy mask ooooooh terrifying how threatening how terrifying I am traumatised from even imagining it please help me Jesus!!! 😭

What can these people claim to be threatened by, exactly? That they’ll get bitten and turn into a pup play enthusiast, like some kind of kink werewolf?

You saw someone with a puppy mask in public??? Ohhhh my godddd should we call the news??? Should we call you an ambulance???

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Dm if interested with references!!

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I can do full body for an extra $50 ^^

Payment is through pay pal please dm with references!

For the couple commissions I only have 10 spots available!! Dm to claim a spot 💕

I have 8 spots left for the couple commissions 💖

I have 7 spots left for the couple commissions!! 💖💕

SAY THAT

I just heard a sad little huff so I peered over my tablet and

Not to be old on main but people being surprised that Macklemore being “based” with his new song is why we we need more comprehensive history lessons that include the last decade. This man dropped Same Love in 2012. Same sex marriage wasn’t federally legalized until 3 years later. Like man’s been on the right side of history for a while musically

Y’all being pregnant while moving into a new house is BUCKWILD

My husband is an intelligent man, but he has gotten in his head that if I lift one box I will PERISH

Here is the problem in a nutshell

Would I love to let my husband do everything? Of course?

But this absolute GIANT of a man after TEN YEARS together still has no spatial awareness and NO AWARENESS that his a A FOOT AND A HALF taller than me. If he is left to put thing away, he will do so diligently but he PUTS EVERYTHING ON THE TOP SHELF and my TINY TREX ARMS CAN NOT MAKE THAT TRIP

I threw out my back and he’s now convinced that it’s his fault for letting me carry paper plates in the house my self and that he’s going to be a terrible father

This man has a LAW DEGREE and is a PRACTICING ATTORNEY

“You have two skeletons inside you right now that is double the amount I have. You are my sweet special Eldritch Horror” - My Husband

Thanks I think?

“It’s insane that we just made a person! I’ve never even met a baby before what do I say?!”

Not worried about diapers here folks, just first impressions

“I’m going be be a dad which is just buckwild. I have your pregnancy checklist but here is my fatherhood check list

1. I need a riding lawn mower

2. I need a white tank top

3. I need a beer, particularly an amber colored one

4. I need a book of puns

5. I need a baby back pack to carry said baby

6. I want my own diaper bag, and I want it to be STYLISH

Kait are you writing this down this is important?”

Me: a lot of people on the internet are calling you a himbo, would you like to respond?

Husband: I am often very dumb, and I do drink the respect women juice like fine wine, however I am not very strong, and I just don’t know if I can accept this title if I do not meet all the qualifications

Me: I don’t know, you lifted all those boxes on your own

Husband: this was simply DAD ENERGY

I can not with this fool

literally marry him

I have great news my friend

marry him again

I’ve read him some of these replies and he got very upset and yelled (which if you know my husband is barely over a whisper) “I CANT MARRY YOU ANY HARDER I KNOW IVE GOOGLED IT MANY TIMES”

Y’all I’m obsessed with this idiot

this is my priestsona Father Dad

Father Dad says youre sins are forgiven. go forth and ball my sons

if u spot me, Father Dad, a $20 and let me bum a cigarette ill give u an indulgence

father dad i am about to nail 95 theses to your door

good lord, mx. pegger, your username! it seems theses arent the only thing youre nailing to me!

FUUUUUCK I MISSED MY OPPORTUNITY TO SAY I AM GOING TO NAIL 96 THINGS TO YOUR DOOR

youll never miss an opportunity to nail something to me bc the opportunity is always there, dad pegger! my door is always open ♡

hi father dad i heard your door is always open can i come in i have a gift for you

haha yes my child of course! just as the lords doors are always open to his children, so too are mine! be welcome!

i got you a new robe father dad!! do you like it?

im pretty sure rainbow sparkle isnt one of the canon liturgical chasuble colors but its fucking banging my beloved child so ill wear it every day anyway!

woah… did you guys hear about father dad? he started wearing a new robe and…it turns out…. he’s gay?

the rainbow is a symbol of gods covenant to man after he flooded the earth

and pegged :)

and pegged