pipe dream

• he hates andrew
• he hates that he took away the chance to reconcile with tilda
• he hates he never got to confront her like he dreamed of doing
• he hates that he couldnt save himself
• he hates that andrew so often turns to violence. it takes him back to days he wants to forget.
• he doesn’t hate andrew. he’s just so angry. all the time. andrew changed his life so he’s the easiest to hate
• its complicated, though, because half of the hate is for himself. because he wasn’t there. he doesn’t understand. he feels like andrew is light years away, at times. 
• sometimes he catches himself thinking of Tilda again. these are the worst days, when he tries to rationalize what she did to him. he can’t help it. she was his mother.
• he knows his remarks hurt nicky and remind him of the unwelcoming home he grew up in
• he doesn’t mean it. he only means to hurt nicky enough to push him away. family has been a source of pain for him as long as he can remember.
• nicky is just so bright and persistent and he can’t stand it. he feels hollow and broken and he wants nicky to just leave him be, he wants his entire family to disappear and leave him be, but he made a deal. 
• he loves katelyn because it seems like none of his impurity can touch her
• she smiles and he feels he can too, and it won’t feel fake this time
• when she holds his hand he doesnt see scars on his knuckles or the racquet that killed drake, he sees the ring he wants to give her on graduation
• he wants to be a doctor because he spent so much time patching himself up, covering up bruises from home by telling people that exy is just a rough sport
• he knows the signs of hiding hurt and he wants to help people so they don’t have to do that
• him and katelyn’s first child is adopted. a little girl came in with a broken arm and fear in her eyes and a father who didnt let her speak.
• aaron thought he knew anger before, but that day? he felt like he would gladly kill a man. again. 
• that little girl smiles so much now and looks at aaron like he hung the moon and stars. he makes blueberry pancakes for her every saturday.
• he works in the ER/trauma ward as a surgeon. he deals with some of the worst injuries but he loves what he does because he gives people another chance
• he volunteers in the attached rehab center. he attends addicts anonymous meetings there as a guest speaker. 
• there’s a boy there who mustve been the same age aaron was when he started, the lonely dead look in his eyes haunted aaron after the first meeting he saw him in
• he’s in recovery and babysits aaron’s daughter now and loves her like a little sister
• at nicky’s wedding he doesn’t make a speech, no huge fancy present. he walks up to nicky, he says “i’m sorry, and i’m glad you’re happy”
• nicky cries
• its the first time erik smiles at him
• he doesnt give andrew presents, but he knows the cats birthdays and sends really obnoxious toys for them
• him and katelyn have two boys with bright blond hair. they smile so much, and them with their daughter is always his phone background.
• they go on play dates with matt and dan’s kids. their daughters are connected at the hip (aaron’s daughter gets the guts to ask her out in high school. they’re married when they graduate college).
• the boy from the AA meetings comes over for holidays, is the kids honorary big brother, and goes to palmetto state university not to be a fox, but just to get his degree.
• aaron and katelyn grow old together
• he never  bothered hoping for any of this. he thought he deserved every hit his mother dished out, everything life threw it at him. but he grew up, he fell in love, he found a family in the foxes and made one of his own soon after.

• Kevin and Neil HATE lacrosse more than life itself
• Once, Andrew calls Exy ‘stickball’ and lacrosse ‘stickball on grass’
• Kevin isn’t sure what he’s angrier at: the fact that Andrew called it stickball, or the fact that Andrew insinuated that lacrosse was the same as Exy when it obviously isn’t
• Kevin criticizes the new Foxes by telling them they would be B-list lacrosse players. One boy bursts into tears.
• In one memorable interview, Neil calls Riko the lead attacker of Edgar Allen’s lax team
• Wymack is furious. Nicky is ecstatic
• A lacrosse player: “I hope making fun of us makes you freaks feel better about your shitty lives and shitty team”
• Neil: “I am sorry that you are stuck playing for a less exciting, less popular wannabe version of Exy. I am also sorry that your daddy wasted lots of money on Exy tutors trying to make you less horrible. It obviously failed, because you’re stuck with this pathetic excuse for a sport, and could never hope to be even a quarter the players we were. Clearly you’re projecting your bitterness on your own lack of talent, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to bad-mouth my team. You can kiss my ass and my championship trophy.”
• Neil, on twitter, keeps liking and retweeting articles about why Exy is better than lacrosse. His PR team has given up trying to get him to stop
• One brave reporter asks Kevin what will happen if his daughter doesn’t like Exy. Unfortunately, Kevin has had several stressful games and a couple of nightmares about the Nest; he’s too tired to control himself, so he says, “As long as she isn’t a lacrosse fan, we’ll figure something out.”
• On some late-night practices, the lacrosse team swears they see a figure watching from the top of the bleachers, a black trench coat fluttering in the wind and a chess piece tattoo on his left cheekbone.
• He watches scornfully for a few minutes before turning away.
• “Sometimes, when I feel bad about myself as a striker, I like to watch them practice. Then I realize that I could be much, much worse,” he tells Jean in one video call.

‘if i am breathing, i can play,” kevin said. “this is my game too.”