tfw based on this cause why not

i oscillate constantly between these two streams of consciousness at the rate of five thousand thoughts per second

how to hold your hunter

After mistakenly transfering to a high school for monsters, you try to tell them that you’re just a regular human. However, because of bizarre coincidences creating apparently inexplicable situations, the school population and teachers come to believe you’re actually an Eldritch Abomination

You’re a retired S-tier supervillain. After you retired, you married a B-tier hero. You are forced back onto the stage when an A-tier villain attempts to kill your spouse.

You’re an oath-keeper, your god will whisper you the names of those paladins who have broken their oaths, and you slay them. But you awoke at night to an incomprehensibly long list of names, after an hour it said “ fuck it, all the paladins have broken their oath, slay them all”

“You can’t fire me you don’t have the rank or clearance to do so.” “I am the boss of the entire organisation while you are just the janitor!” “Exactly neither the rank nor clearance to fire me.”

Your workers always ask “Why do you put a self destruct button on your inventions?” Tired of their questioning, you decide to explain why it’s perfectly rational.

The Dangers of Tattoos

Out of the nine guys at Dillan’s bachelor party, I’m the only one left alive. And I don’t know how much more time I have.

Dillan was a friend from my highschool days. We weren’t close, but we hung out when all our other friends were busy. I was happy to hear he was getting hitched to his girl Heather, they were good for each other. When he asked me to join him and a few of the other guys for drinks, I happily accepted. One last crazy night before he said I Do.

We’d all gotten pretty buzzed when Mickey threw out this brilliant idea:

‘We should all get tattoos!’

Teacher's Pet

TW: Statutory Rape

I think every straight guy in my school had a thing for Miss Bell.

I’m the last dude you want to come to when it comes to judging ‘female beauty’, but even I could admit she was pretty. Blonde hair usually drawn back in that messy bun style, a bod that would make Venus jealous, and a round face that was always smiling or laughing.

She was our English II teacher, she’d just transferred in that year from California. During our first class, she told about going to college and how she used to surf on the weekends. My friend Sean elbowed me and whispered about how she’d look in a bikini. My practical ass said that she probably was wearing a wetsuit when she surfed. This got the back of my head punched and Sean whispering ‘Gaaaaaaaaaay’ into my ear. I mean, really not inaccurate, but the punch wasn’t necessary.

There was a McDonald’s commercial where the camera slowly panned to follow footprints in the sand to then show Jesus Christ walking on the beach eating a McRib. Words on the screen said, “It’s back.”