Damascus was a bad man at the vet and was very bitey so he got put in the lizard straight jacket for his x-rays.

#shame spa

I still remember the story my parents tell about me everytime I make a new friend. The wonderful story of the Baby Helmet.

I now realise I should have offered some context.

yes please i would love context thank you

Aight then. Buckle down cause I'm about to tell you the family famous Baby Helmet story.

When I was a kid, learnin to crawl and walk and shit, still a baby, my parents noticed something off about my head shape. So they took me to the doctor.

Turns out I was fucking up my skull formation plates by sleeping on one side of my head constantly which caused the plates to settle in a way they weren't supposed to be settling.

And the doctors baisically were like "On god bro we gonna fix this for you" and low and behold, a solution came.

A helmet. A thick, adjustable helmet that was meant to reshape my skull. I had to wear that bad boy for a while. It was white with purple butterflies on it cause they knew I liked purple and I liked butterflies.

However, there was a cost. And not a money kind. It was my parents sanity going and humor being cranked up.

Because instead of sitting around and being a baby and all that, I found a better use of the helmet.

I realised that it protected my head it gave me the best idea.

To hit my head on every fucking surface there was. It drove my family insane.

They would hear me bonking it on the tv stand, on the floor, on the table, my own high chair. I would even stand up and charge at visitors and my family's legs and just fucking ram into them and full baby speed. It was the most enjoyable pass time that made both me and my parents laugh their asses off.

However, one day at the doctors, they had finally deemed my head fixed and safe. And the helmet was gone (but we still got to keep it).

Now keep in mind that I had been going absolutely ham with this shield on my head for months. I had grown accustomed to it, as though it was a second part of me.

So after we come home from the doctors, we go into the living room and my parents let me and my twin play for a bit.

Soon came the need to bash my head against something.

So I got in position, ready to go. My parents saw it happening. They leapt up, ready to stop me. But they were not fast enough.

It all happened in slow motion. I slammed my head into the floor full force. Silence.

I lift my head. There are no tears or wails. Only confusion. I blinked. Still nothing. I was silent for the rest of the day, coming to terms with the fact that I lost my invincibility.

Never again did I bash my head or ram into people.

And that's one of the many family famous stories about me. And my personal favorite.

fantastic. absolutely wonderful. thank you for this story. reading this has brought me immeasurable joy as i imagine a tiny child ramming into shit with ruthless abandon. 10/10

idk why, but for some reason i find photoshopped pictures of poptart boxes with fake ridiculous, outrageous flavor names to be the funniest freaking thing

like this is hysterical

peter has a lot more spidery habits than he initially lets on, because….no one could possibly relate and he doesn’t want to feel weird. but one day he realizes they pretty much all sound like shitposts so he just starts tweeting them out and gets big popular. 

like, not even on his spider-man twitter. @ peterbparkour tweets out something like “I’ve officially decided chewing is too much of a chore. excited to announce from now on I’ll release venom that melts all my food into a convenient liquid which I’ll then drink from a fun and sexy crazy straw” and it has 40 million replies that all say ‘same’ 

“just stubbed my toe really fucking bad so I’m gonna rip my leg off- hope it doesn’t take to long to grow back!’ ‘yea it be like that’

“to the man who just stole my backpack on the subway- sir please. please. my eggsack is in there. sir please. they’re just babies they’re scared they’ll devour you SIR PLEASE MY EGGSACK” ‘haha this guys wild’

“the temperature has started going down so it’s time for me to hibernate!!!! see you all in 7 months!!! :)” and someone goes ‘worm’ and he replies “spider, actually”

peter’s subscribed to bucky barnes’s accidental shitpost twitter

wait no they’re subscribed to each other and reply to each other completely earnestly and honestly bc that is also indistinguishable from jokes

@welove1stickyboi your tags are the best I’ve seen on this

.

Old men on grindr: “Want to be my piss slave? Daddy wants to teach you a lesson you dirty slut”

Me:

adding video to text posts was an incredible gift

Ahh, it’s back

i have disproportionately strong feelings about this.

every time i say “nah i’m not gonna watch it again.” BUT I STILL DO EVERY TIME.

YEAUGH

Ratatoiue 2

i am.. .CRYING G

I have so many questions..

“Our kitten discovered the best toy in the house”

(Source)

yeah so apparently the upcoming spongebob episode has a reference to that corny squidward suicide creepypasta from way back in 2011

what timeline are we living in

catcher chin scratch

We often talk about "ludonarrative dissonance" in terms of morality and situations like "the story says violence is bad, but the gameplay enables and encourages you to kill things" but my actual fave version of it is "the story says you have a very serious plot-relevant time-sensitive thing to do, but the gameplay enables and encourages you to buzz off into the world and search for collectibles for five weeks"

the switch from ‘a girl worth fighting for’ to coming upon the decimated village in mulan is THE MOST kick-in-the-teeth mood change IN ALL OF CINEMA

That scene shift did more for our generation’s understanding of the horror of war in ten seconds than Game of Thrones did in eight seasons, and it did it without showing us a single dead body. 

Remember when they subtly but clearly told us a little girl had been murdered?

It’s almost like you actually don’t need to depict graphic murder, rape, and torture to elicit a serious and emotional response from your audience. 

September