2009 - 2019
All year i have been trying to get back to posting on here because it so useful to my mental health to write out my stream of consciousness regularly.
So reflecting on the last decade it seems only right to post here. The woman in the top 4 photos was insecure, sad inside, searching endlessly for external validation, trying to fit in, and the most abusive person in her life was her. She constantly put herself down for not being enough, not being like everyone else, not meeting societal expectations and for not being where she should be in life.
In 2009 i had spent 5 years working in educatio and I had qualified as a teacher. I had just become head of department, I had a baby aged 1, i was about to get married, and I was on yet another diet. My self worth, identitity and confidence were all pinned to 2 things; being a teacher and being in a relationship (i thought being loved).
Both of these things changed in this decade and when they did I fell apart and hit rock bottom. (@bestis-yet-tocome and @dominatingfitness Thank you x)
The decade started with marriage and another child, I became assitant head if sixth form and a celebrated and successful teacher juggling my family. Then in 2011 I faced adultery whilst 6mths pregnant and realised I was not just falling out of love with my husband but also my job (and with the benefit of hindsight, my lifestyle too.)
The next 3 years were spenting fighting, working, hanging onto what I could salvage of it all. Until I gave up the fight because I realised I didnt want to fight, I was working on my own and that wasn't enough for me and it wasn't the woman I wanted to be as a role model to my children.
Years of heart break, single parenting, changing school, fighting depression and the crazy symptoms; self sabbotage, lack of self respect, risky behaviours, ridiculously irresponsible with my physical and emotional availability and no self esteem or self worth.
I fell in love, re learned how to love, learned how to begin to value (and to some extent love) myself as I am. Started a powerful journey of self discovery; changed career, got engaged, had another baby, self reflection, self discovery and lots of hard work.
So the woman in the bottom 4 pictures is by no means perfect but she is the woman I want to be. She challenges herself to better, to do better and wants the best for herself as well as those around her. Shes not afraid to start again, make mistakes and feel her emotions and she will NEVER go on another diet or fitness fad driven by hate for her body.
This decade has been, quiet simply, transformative. Heart breaking, painful and hard to bear: yes, but worth every second to be the woman I am today and to have created the life I choose to live everyday.
Thank you 2009-2019, we lived, loved, cried and grew together and I am grateful.
