Moments of Stillness || Maria & Zoe
Zoe could see how broken Maria was. Her purpose was unclear, the world was falling apart around her, and there was no way that Zoe could ever understand how she felt. Except, in some ways, she could. She may not have a divine purpose, but she certainly had a weight on her shoulders and this was the only life she was ever going to get. If she screwed this up, if the world ended on her watch, that was a whole other story.
Watching as Maria put distance between them, her insecurities rushing to the surface and spilling out into the room, Zoe sighed and put her hands on her hips. “I know you’re scared. I know better than anyone that you’re scared and exhausted and overwhelmed. I know everything is messed up and nothing is okay. I know that. What you don’t seem to know is that failure is a part of life. You may be half angel, but you’re half human too. Welcome to the planet, we suck at this.”
Rubbing her hand over the non-injured side of her face, she took the cream Maria gave her and automatically began applying it over her stitches continuing, “Just because things have been hard and we’ve been wrong about things does not mean that it’s over. It doesn’t even mean that you’ve failed. Until we reach actual, world is completely over, there-is-no-going-back Armageddon, you haven’t failed. As far as I can tell, we’re still alive. Plus one in the Maria column for that. Do you even think about how many people you’ve saved? How many times you’ve saved me?”
Zoe put the cream down for a moment and grasped Maria’s shoulders gently, forcing her to look at her. “I know this is what you were made for. I know you have the answers somewhere inside that beautiful brain and absolutely no map as to how to get to them. I also know that if you want to be done? If you really want this to be over? Then… okay. Let it go, let it be over. If we do nothing, it’s definitely over.”
Letting her eyes harden a little, determination flickering in them, she finished, “This is the only life I have. This is the only life I am ever going to have and I will be damned if it ends with me not doing the stupidest possible thing to save it. I am always going to do the stupid thing. That’s who I am. And saving the world? Solving the puzzle? That’s who you are. You wouldn’t be here if it was impossible. The universe would not put you in a situation where you could not win. If we don’t? Okay. At least we tried. But there is a way. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t. And you don’t need me to tell you that.”
Maria sniffed, letting Zoe talk while she continued to pace and try not to be crushed beneath the weight of her guilt and exhaustion. The words were nothing new, she knew that Zoe wouldn’t agree with her self-flagellation and deep down she even knew that Zoe was right, but she couldn’t accept it yet. She was too tired to be logical.
She stopped pacing when Zoe took hold of her, not quite able to meet her girlfriend’s gaze. The longer she spoke, the more Maria wilted. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed, moving forward to rest her head on the shorter gir’s shoulder. “I’m so tired, Zoe,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. “I can’t quit, I can’t give up...I know that but I’m so tired. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you, especially now.”
It was so frustrating to know that she’d been placed here by the universe or God or some force beyond her control to influence things, to change the world, but that was it. No instructions, no assistance from on high. Maria sighed, lifting her head rubbing her face.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she said softly. “And I know that we only get a short time together and...after I die, if I get another life, it’ll be human. And I won’t remember this one or any of the nephilim ones. And in some ways that’s a good thing. So much has happened this year that I’m eager to put behind me, but you’re not one of those things. I’ll have my journals, when I go get them. And I’ve got photographs. But I won’t...” Her eyes welled with tears again and she shook her head, cutting off and trying to stop them, but she couldn’t. They streamed down her cheeks and made her shoulders shake. Arms crossed tightly around her ribs, she asked, “Does it make me sound too much like a petulant twelve year old to say it’s not fair?”