My crazy head space

how to feel like i belong and fit in?

how to be confident enough that it doesn’t matter if people like me or not?

why do i care so much about others’ approval?

why do i want to be like others?

why am i not more normal like others?

why am i so childish?

why don’t i behave more mature?

what the fuck is wrong with me?

Just really down since knowing yesterday that an ex friend has found love and is attached. how it was so easy for her to just move on and live her life. yes i made mistakes, yes i am not the most mature person around, yes i’m also not the a person people want around their life. but the fact that you just dropped me like i didn’t matter when you said friendships are important to you and how you’d always clear the air of misunderstandings asap (yet did not “have the time” to do so with me) it just spoke volumes.

yes i am a terribly sensitive person. i held on to our friendship too tightly because i was so afraid of being abandoned again. because i don’t have many friends. when shit happens i don’t know who i can turn to. there’s no one that’s free for me to call if i want to head out for meal. everyone’s too busy living their lives that doesn’t include me.

i always wanted to belong somewhere. i always feel like i’m an outsider. didn’t help that i joined your “we are best friends and twins” duo. my insecurities are off the charts. i envy your intelligence, wit, humour, style, fashion, friendships, charisma. everything i don’t have. things that people want in another human. i have none of those things.

i am introverted. lack humour. anti social. awkward in conversations. unable to hold any form of prolonged conversation. a fashion terrorist at times.

my biggest fear in life is being left behind and abandoned. and you did just that. and your reason is because you couldn’t understand my reasoning and you just think i’m too childish for you. and you insisted you didn’t abandon me. but that’s exactly what you did. because you have a great life, you don’t need me. without me, you life is still as colourful and fun and cool and lively. it is me who needed you. too much.

i hate myself for being the way i am. for being someone who has an inferiority complex. for always overthinking. for being someone who doesn’t know how to work relationships with other humans. i don’t know how to buy people gifts. don’t know what’s a social norm. how to behave in certain social context.

days like today, i’m tired of me. i want love and friendship. but i know i’m not worthy of them. and will never have them. i am trying. but i’m always too late. too slow in learning. too childish and stupid for those around me.

It’s amazing how I’m so old but still get so affected when people ghost or leave me. Even when it is a student half my age. And realising I really don’t have many friends.

I know logically that as adults it’s normal to have fewer friends because quality over quantity. But I don’t even have acquaintances or networks that I can reach out to if ever I need help.

I don’t even know why those who are still around bother to stay because there isn’t much I can bring to the table. I’m not smart. I’m not funny. I’m not resourceful. I’m not normal. I’m a pessimist. Even I wouldn’t want to be around me.

Sigh, such a failure with social relationships.