Derek Shepherd

"sure," kathleen hums. it doesn't take a fellow psychiatrist to tell she is unconvinced. a shooting and a plane crash? for someone with her brother's ego? for a shepherd? they practically lived for digging up the past. but she let it slide to focus on his most recent trauma, making a mental note that, perhaps, they should find a bullet-proof bubble to keep him in. or, at the very least, a different hospital.

"often, it's what lives right in front of us that's hardest for us to see. have you asked your wife? she's the one that lives with you day in and day out. plus, she's never seemed like one to mince words." not that kathleen and meredith were particularly chummy, but her sister-in-law came off as notably less idealistic than derek. "i don't know," kathleen says, tilting her head. "why do you all act insane?"

Derek knew that even trying to tell her that he didn't bring up things that had happened, which he didn't, this conversation would just go around in circles especially when it came to Kathleen. Especially with her job.

"Meredith knows I am ready to go back to work. And she knows that I am getting so wound up not being able to be there." Derek told his sister. He knew that his sister and his wife weren't exactly best friends. Hearing her ask why he and the rest of his siblings were insane, he gave her a look "And who thinks that....besides you, I mean."

The answer was pretty much what George had been expecting, but it didn't make him feel any better really. He knew that they were going to make sure that he was okay before letting him go, they had all been giving him the best care. Most of the time, he appreciated it as much as he found it a little over bearing. "I figured, but I had to ask. I finally begged Callie enough for the clear, and I think you're the last one. Just whenever you get around to it." The brunette nodded, before really thinking about the question. It was loaded, the last few months had been a rollercoaster that he could have never expected, and sometimes wasn't sure how he survived. "Okay. I'm okay for the seventh day in a row. It's the first week that's happened, so I'm taking it as a win."

"I know." Derek said. "It does seem like I am taking my time but I can assure you I am not." He told George. "You know how even the smallest thing on a scan could turn into something more." Derek said to George. "That is why I want to take a more thorough look rather than just a quick look over and end up missing something." Listening to what George was saying to him, he nodded. "That is always a win."

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry to bother you." George glanced around to see if any other Attendings were in the lounge before he stepped in. True it wasn't the first time that he had been in there, but this time he wasn't in scrubs looking for his attending to see if there was anything for him to do. No, this time he was a patient and it felt almost taboo to be in there. "I know you're busy, but I was wondering if you had a chance to look at my new scans? I was hoping to be able to leave sometime this week?" It was a long shot, even as a resident (was he still a resident? He had left to join the army right before the attack, would they still let him join? Months later? Did he want to?) he knew that neuro surgeries were some of the ones that took the longest to heal.

Derek watched as George glanced around. He was the only one in there. That was what he was glad about when he came in here. That he could have some alone time. That was until George had knocked on the door. "I have had a quick glance over them but I will need to have a closer look just to make sure everything is okay. You know that you will be the first to know. How are you feeling anyway?"

It had been weeks. Weeks upon weeks actually and all George wanted to do was leave. He was tired of being seen as a patient, tired of everyone asking him how he was doing. True it had been hard for a while, he was touch and go even after he had woken up. Callie had finally given him the okay for his breaks and Bailey had cleared his general surgeries, but his neuro? That was the only one that had been a hang up. That's why he found himself knocking on the door of the attending's lounge, glancing down the hallway each direction as he did so. "Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek knew that George was wanting to leave, but it wasn't as easy as that. He knew that he had been cleared by Callie and Bailey, but when it came to Neuro, that was more complicated. That as well as Derek being so busy with other surgeries too. He had just sat down in the attending's lounge when he heard a knock at the door. He looked up from his drink and noticed George standing there. "Hey. Are you okay?" He asked, although he knew why he was here.

Her eyes flickered to Derek's fingers, even as she put the car in reverse and started to back out. Wetting her lips, she reached out, tapping on his other leg to get his attention. "Hey, can you talk to me while I drive? Tell me about what you did at work today, any surgeries that were really good?" At that point she would do anything to get him to talk, something that may help with whatever was going on. In the car she couldn't watch him, couldn't try and be the 'doctor' when she couldn't give Derek the attention that he needed for that, but maybe this way? Listening to him, having him talk, it was always possible it would give her something. The drive to Meredith's wasn't too far, her eyes flickering to her phone in the holder a few times to make sure her sister hadn't messaged her back yet.

When he felt Lexie tapping his other leg, he looked towards her. "Talk? About what?" He asked. At the mention about work, he nodded. "It was okay. Like it always is. You know what it is like doing what we do." Derek told her. When it came to how he ended up like this, he would be no help. He couldn't remember. Maybe if he was his usual self. But as he was right now, there was nothing. He noticed her looking towards the phone. "You should be concentrating." He said. There was clearly some Derek there, even in this state.

"like you didn't just bring up the shooting or the plane crash?" kathleen points out, the same way she would for any patient that sat across from her, trying to gain points for the things they wouldn't bring up.

perhaps this was, objectively, a flaw baked into kathleen's very being. the practitioner in her had no off switch. her siblings saw as much of the psychiatrist in her as her patients. but how else was she supposed to operate? her literal job was dealing with human behavior, and her siblings were absolutely, undoubtedly insane.

"fine, you're fit to be back at work," she says, though unconvinced. "so, you've been seeing a licensed therapist, then? and you've met with this person, talked — actually talked — about what you went through? and they feel, in their professional opinion, that you've done the work to process the trauma you experienced, to the point where you're ready to go back to cutting people open for a living. right?"

Derek stared at his sister. "I mentioned it to get my point across." He told her. "It is the only time I have mentioned either of those things." He added.

He couldn't believe she was doing this. He was her sibling. Not her patient. It did make him wonder if she was like this with their sisters. Their mother. Derek was going to say something but he wasn't sure if he should say what he was thinking.

Derek kept his eyes on his sister. "Yes. I have. I wouldn't be saying I was ready to go back if I hadn't been going to see someone. And if they hadn't thought I was ready to go back." He said. "That is why I can't see why I am not back at work yet." Derek decided he would say what he was thinking to her. "Why do you treat me and our sisters like your patients?" He asked.

A soft sigh left Lexie's lips as Derek got up deadly silent, her entire body starting to tingle from anxiety. It wasn't often she experienced the feeling anymore, but it got worse. She also really wanted to stop and grab a snack before they left, but she knew that was also the anxiety speaking. Keeping hold of her brother's hand, Lexie led the way down to the parking garage of the apartment complex and to where she had left her car. "There ya go, go ahead and slide into the passenger seat, alright?" Making sure the car was unlocked, she waited until he had got to the door before she went over to slide in to the driver seat. "Alright, it won't take long, alright?"

Derek wasn't usually this quiet. Yes, he could be quiet, but not like this. He looked at her and then at their hands as she held it. Without saying a word, he walked with her down to when Lexie's car was. Derek listened to her and then went to get into the passenger seat in the car. Once she was in, he looked at her and nodded. As he looked away and out the window, he was tapping his fingers on his leg, anxiously.

"I'm going to drive you home, that's where. This is Mark's apartment, Derek, not home. That's why Meredith isn't here." The smile on her face was soft and smile, gentle in a way that she had acquired from working with patients. She was trying as hard as she could to not freak out, not wanting to do that to her brother. As soon as her shoes were on and her keys in her hand, she moved to hold her hand out towards him. "Come on, let's go find your wife, yeah? I bet she'll clear this all up." As soon as he was on his feet, she was taking out her cellphone to shoot a quick text to her sister, waiting to see if she'd answer by the time they got down to the parking garage.

Derek stared at her as she told him this. He glanced around. It could have been because he didn't recognize it as his own house. It could have been because he didn't see Meredith or Mark around. Derek watched as she held her hand out for him. He could have just sat there, but instead he got to his feet and let her take a hold of his hand. He had no idea where he was going. He just let her lead him to wherever they were going. He stayed quiet.

It was the answer this time that really confirmed everything that Lexie had already been realizing about the moment. Something was wrong with Derek and she didn't know what. Even he didn't seem to know; at least he didn't even know where he was, which made her worry for how he got here. "Then maybe she's waiting for you at home, why don't I shoot her a text, and then I'll drive you there, okay? I'll get you to Meredith." That was the best she could promise at that moment. With another squeeze of his shoulder, she stood up and moved to get her jacket and shoes. This? This she could do.

Derek had been looking around at where he was before hearing what she said and then looked back at her as if he was wandering what she was talking about. "Drive me where?" He asked. It was like he couldn't even remember where home was. Derek looked back down at his drink and took a sip of it. He watched as she went to get her jacket and her shoes. Derek clearly was anxious, and it was obvious he was kind of lost too.

The fact that he couldn't tell her what time he had left had Lexie worried. She knew that it wasn't like Derek, he always knew. She didn't understand what was going on, but she knew that she was glad he had decided to stop here instead of somewhere else. "No, Derek, Meredith isn't here. Was she at work with you tonight? I can call the hospital and see if she's there?" It was what Lexie wanted to do in the first place, she knew that if Meredith just answered she'd be able to tell the doctor about what was going on. Maybe he had fallen or hit his head on a cabinet. She was starting to find that as best case.

Something had clearly happened between him leaving work and him ending up here. It wasn't something that Derek could tell her though because right now, he couldn't even remember. When Lexie told him that Meredith wasn't here, he frowned. "Yes...but she usually meets me at home." He told her. Derek didn't even answer her question about calling the hospital. He stared down at his drink as he held it.

She stayed seated, happy when Derek was at least still talking to her. Lexie could tell that something was off, but it was hard to figure out what. As he answered her question, which brought a frown to her lips, she tried to lean in just a little, smell if there was alcohol on his breath. It didn't seem like that there was, which was good, but it made this all that much more confusing. "At work, alright. That's good at least. Do you remember what time it was when you left?" Maybe something would trigger his memory, some little thing.

Derek hadn't noticed the way she had leaned in a bit. If he had, he probably would have asked what she was doing. Hearing Lexie ask him what time it was that he left, he shook his head. "I didn't look at the time, but it was about an hour or so ago." He told her. It wasn't as if it would have taken him that long to get to where he was now from work. "Is Meredith here?" He asked, when clearly she wouldn't be there as she was still at work.

Already in Lexie's head she was combing through ever medical book she had read, seeing what she might need to be on the look out for. It helped that she could see everything she had read, it always helped to make a quick diagnosis. It only took her a few moments to get two cups of coffee poured, hers sweetened almost past the point of it still being considered coffee. It was only when she was sitting back down on the couch, Lexie's own coffee setting down on the table, before she held the other one out towards Derek. "Here, take a few sips. I'm curious, where were you before you came here?" She had to see, or even see if he knew.

Derek had no idea that Lexie was trying to work out what was going on with him. As far as he was concerned, he was okay. Although that was far from it. Hearing her come back over to the couch, he looked at her and took the drink from her. "Thank you." He said. He may have been not himself, but he still had his manners. Derek took a couple of sips before looking back at her. "I...I can't remember." He said. "Work, I think."

Lexie kept her gaze on Derek as he spoke, frowning just a little. It wasn't like him to just stop by, especially at that time, and really not to see her. It wasn't that they didn't get along, she loved the surgeon, but it just wasn't something that they did a lot. "Alright. Why don't you stay sitting here, and I'll get us some coffee? The pot was already brewed since Mark left, it won't take long." She was almost hesitant to leave, her hand wanting to reach out and rest on his knee, to get him to stop. The brunette got up instead though, giving his shoulder a small squeeze, and made her way to the kitchen.

Derek was looking around as she watched him. So he hadn't noticed that se was frowning. It hadn't crossed his mind that this wasn't something he usually did and especially at the time it actually was. Hearing her, Derek looked back at Lexie. "Mmm, okay." He said, smiling at her before looking back around again. The leg bouncing stopped for a moment as she squeezed his shoulder a bit before it started again once she headed towards the kitchen.

It took a moment for Lexie to fully take in the fact that, yes, Derek was in fact knocking on their door at a god awful time, but it didn't stop her from taking a step back. "Come in." The younger Grey waited until her brother was fully in the apartment before closing the door behind him. Her hand reached out, resting on his back as she led him towards Mark's living room. "Are you okay? Mark's not here, he had a surgery that had to start at like three in the morning. I'm sure I can text him, or Meredith if you need?"

Of course, Derek hadn't even known what the time was in this state. When Lexie stepped back and told him to come in, Derek stepped inside and watched as she closed the door. Feeling her hand on his back, he let her lead him towards the living room. Sitting down, he glanced around, as if he was taking in the surroundings before he looked back at Lexie again. "No. I'm totally fine. No need to call anyone." He said, even though he was far from it. His leg bouncing up and down as if he was anxious. Derek wasn't the kind of person that got anxious that often.

kathleen pursed her lips. it was difficult to argue with the semi-truck. she didn't tend to give people a lot of slack, but the major, life-threatening collision was a hard opponent to go up against. even for a seasoned sparrer like kathleen. "fine. you get that one. one," she emphasized, holding up her finger. "but don't think every time you're losing a conversation you get to bring up the semi."

her eyes narrowed on derek. with enough focus, hopefully, she could burrow into his skull and yank out about half of the overabundance of pride that resided there. maybe then he could start thinking like a normal person instead of a scalpel-happy god complex on legs.

"no, derek, because they're hiding it from you. it's all a big conspiracy!" she responded, dryly. "clearly it's because of you. god, were you always this dense, or did the eighteen wheeler really scramble things up in there." she nodded to his head. "if someone who wasn't just in a major accident is saying you're not ready, what do you think that means?" did she need to spell it out? "yeah. exactly, derek. it's what you know. which means it's comfortable. and i've known you long enough to know you can't stand discomfort. maybe it's good that they won't clear you. maybe, for once, you have to sit with these feelings instead of checking them at the hospital doors."

Derek couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when he heard her say to him about not even thinking about bringing up the semi every time he was losing a conversation. "Wow. You really think I want to be bringing that up. I don't keep bringing up the shooting or the plane crash, yet you think I will bring up this every time." He said.

He watched her as she looked at him. He wasn't going to let her get to him too much. That was the last thing he needed. Derek looked away, taking in his surroundings for a moment before looking back towards his sister.

Derek shook his head as she got sarcastic towards him. "Hey, don't get all sarcastic with me." He said. "Look, I get that they are doing their job. But I am physically fit to be back at work. And I know that I am emotionally ready to be there as well. That is what is getting to me."

kathleen nodded her head, entirely unconvinced. "uh-huh. keep hollering like that, that'll make it more believable." another poke at those all-too sensitive buttons. "i've had multiple children come out of my body, derek. they make you take time off for that. the difference is, i haven't constructed my entire life around my profession."

kathleen was a grade-a psychiatrist. she loved what she did, but tried her best to connect with her job in a healthy way. boundaries. nothing more important when diving into a patient's history, especially when emotions were involved. she had to leave her work at the door, at a certain point, and recognize the life she had outside of it. why her surgeon-siblings seemed to have an aversion to that idea only contributed to her outlook on their chosen fields.

"well, that's good to know, considering all of this is based around what you want," kathleen noted, sarcastically. "have you considered that if you aren't back at work, there might be a reason?" assuming they didn't want to keep one of their best surgeons out of the game, unnecessarily. "tell me, are you scared of forgetting—which, if you suddenly have forgotten ten-plus years of education, i'd be the first to report you to the medical board—or are you more afraid of finding out you're replaceable?"

Derek was going to say something back to that but he decided not to. He listened to what his sister was telling him. "I understand that. But you had a choice in having children and you knew that you were going to be having that time off." He said. "I didn't have the choice of having a semi hot my car with me in it." He pointed out. "My whole life isn't constructed around my job."

He knew it was different for her. She wasn't a surgeon like he was. Like their siblings were. Maybe that was why she was able to set boundaries.

"Well, if there is a reason, I wish someone would tell me what that reason is." Derek said. "And don't say it is because of me....because there has been times before and I get told, and I listen. I want to know what is so different now." He gave her a look. "No. I just....I need to do something with my hands. And surgery is what I know."