It sucks not being able to see without aid. I tend to forget that it’s a disability, even though it very much is. Just one that’s normalised and generally have very well-developed tools from glasses to contacts to surgery. Still, I’ll never not get jealous of someone able to just wake up, open their eyes and see unaided. The freedom it must be.
Though I shouldn’t complain, most of the time I don’t even pay attention to needing my contacts. Only the monthly payments or the check-ups twice a year. The rest is routine, picking up the contacts in the morning, putting them in with practiced ease and removing them again when I lie down to sleep. I used to be bad about that last part but that’s been years ago.
I’ve considered the surgery. I qualify for it to be done for free in my country because my vision is that bad. But surgery, no matter how minor is still a bit of a scary thing. I’m worried about the healing afterwards rather than the actual surgery. Because I can rationalise myself out of that one the same way I go on a scary roller coaster. Millions of people go on them without being hurt, so of course I will be fine too.
But healing in general is a bit scary. It’s messy. It hurts. It burns. Though I suppose healing broken eyes might feel easier than a brain that’s… not great. I’ve been trying to heal that one for a while. And I do, in bits and spurts, but new things also props up. Guess that’s the way of the world.
I’m currently writing without my glasses, just directly on tumblr with the small font. I can’t read the letters, just vaguely see that little blobs of black appear on a white background. It’s disorienting, just a little. I know how to write by touch typing, so mostly I never look at my hands, just my screen as I see the words appear. It is making the voice in my head appear, which it doesn’t normally, at least this strong. I can still see the red underlines and go back and try again if I make a typo. But there’s also some red lines that are there on purpose as I refuse to use American spelling.
Bad mental health, illness and the line almost always means glasses days. Like now. All three are currently happening. ‘cause on days were I function and I’m well, it’s contacts and then I wear them the whole day, until it’s time to sleep. Nightly sleep at the end of the day that is. I don’t take them out for naps. I should that’s the recommended thing, but I guess I never quite shook all of that old habit, as I claimed, huh?
It’s an odd sensation to navigate the keyboard or navigate the house without proper vision. Like, I can still see. Everything is just blurry around the edges. Something has to be very close to me to be able to see it clearly. Like now, I’m zoomed in. Physically, not with the zoom function. I leaned forward. Eyes scanning to see if everything is alright. It is. On the page. I’ll be alright too.
A shower, A hot cup of tea. And most of all my glasses back on my nose where they belong, so I can’t just exist in a blurry world that matches my emotions or my health. I’ll go do that now.
