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Matthew Crawley, Esquire

@thefreshprinceofdownton / thefreshprinceofdownton.tumblr.com

"I have to be myself, Mother. I'll be no use to anyone if I can't be myself." An Indie Matthew Crawley ( Downton Abbey ) RP Blog. Theme by @motherdcarest!
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as a young woman christmas’ main appeal centered around the grand parties, and excuses to wear new chiffron dresses adorned with beads and lace. as an adult, married, it’s appeal became far more humble. meerely spending time with her family, and most importantly matthew, seemed perfectly suitable. a smirk, builds over the corner of mary’s lips, it’s nice that after a year of marriage she can still make him nervous. she looks at him over her tea, “if the others bring their wives, then i must attend.”
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A smile broke out on Matthew’s face at Mary’s answer, gratified that she had agreed. “Thank you.” It was something so simple, so normal, and yet it excited him to no end. He was hardly a fan of society parties, or half of the events he now regularly took part in since he had first been discovered to be Robert’s heir. But even though they weren’t his favorite, any excuse to be with Mary in public was welcome. After the eight years they had spent dancing around the fact that they were meant to be together, as Tom had so aptly put it, they had finally settled into a happy marriage. While their biggest disagreement had been the issue of using the late Reggie Swire’s fortune to save Downton, Matthew could still say that this year had been the happiest of his life. “I think you’ll like it. There’s music and dancing...kind of like a ball, but for we common folk.” he teased.
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@ofnxbility​ liked for a starter

“The office is having a Christmas party this year. Well, they’ve had it every year since I’ve been there, except for the war.” Matthew explained, rubbing the back of his neck. He didn’t know why he was so nervous; they had been married nearly a year. “And all the others bring their wives so I was…wondering if you’d like to go? It’s not very fancy; it’s just at a restaurant in Ripon.”

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@noiraffection​ liked for a starter

Matthew nursed his glass of wine as he observed the rest of the party. It had been an old friend’s idea for him to go, insisting that he was spending too much time in the office and too little time meeting people since he had moved to London, which was in one sense true. He wasn’t really a social butterfly but ever since he had taken this job, he had seemed to bury himself in his work more than he had before. Part of it was an attempt to escape the title of his late cousin—Earl of Grantham. It didn’t even sound right. He had never wanted to be an earl, and this was one of the reasons why. A party full of rich socialites who would have thought nothing of him but for an accident of birth, and then a boating accident that had killed the two previous heirs to the title. Restlessly, he checked his watch, suspecting he had been ditched.

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Is there something you’d like to ask, Mr. Bradford? Look at you, you’re so gorgeous. Vince was right, I can’t believe I’m actually living with you. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I’m about to see you. You do? Even now we live together? Do you like your new home? I’m home anywhere, I can fall into you. I just want to feel like this forever.

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Matters of the heart

“She did. She told me when she was bedridden, shortly before she died.” Matthew explained, his jaw setting at the memory. “She wanted me to break things off with her and be with Mary. But how could I when—when she was willing to give up everything for me, when I was wounded?” he questioned, fixing his gaze on his mother. “It would have been wrong. I told her as much. Then when she passed she told me, ‘Isn’t this better?’ and to be happy for her sake.” His voice shook as he relayed her last words, feeling again sickened by his own infidelity as the memory flooded back.
“I don’t deserve to be happy. We can’t be happy.” he added simply.

Now that explained things. She didn’t answer his question, instead she remained quiet while he spoke. Tears welled up in her eyes when she heard the raw emotion in his voice. He had been through so much..

“Oh, my boy.. My dear boy..”

She murmured softly to him as she let go of his hand, but only so she could embrace him instead, holding him close to her. Sensing that this was something he needed. And so did she. She didn’t speak while she embraced him. She was thinking of several things that could help him.. But where to start..

Matthew wordlessly returned his mother’s embrace, feeling once again like the homesick small boy who would rush into her arms during the first day of summer holiday, and felt the hot tears burning his cheeks without having realized they had fallen. It was his own fault, really, and he knew it. Lavinia had given him an out, an out which he had refused to take, before she had fallen ill. Had he simply come clean with her, then perhaps she would still be here. But that was ridiculous--he was wrong in the first place to have kissed Mary. Still, he couldn’t have helped it...

“I don’t know what to do, Mother.” he whispered after a moment. “Mary and I are cursed--I couldn’t possibly...” Love her again? He loved her so much it ached, but what could he do? 

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